The Fourth Wall
by RisingTwilight
Summary: Our less than lovable protagonists have surmounted the evil of an utterly bland hunter, the Vatican-er, Volturi, and an army of fangirls. But when the world itself starts collapsing around them, can they save themselves? The fourth and final EPIC parody.
1. Prologue

So it looked like I was going to die. After a while, a girl gets tired of thinking that. I've faced my fair share of threats over the years. I mean, first there was a childhood with Renee and occasionally Charlie, and it was really a wonder that I survived that. Then there was everything that happened since I'd met Edward. We'd faced rapists (which Edward killed), the utterly uninteresting James (That kill probably belonged to Alice, she started the fire that got him), the Volturi (who weren't dead, but we all wished they were) and most recently, a strange coalition of Edward's sister, the other boy I loved, some psycho girl (in addition to Rosalie), a horde of fangirls, and a talking toaster. They were defeated more by their own incompetence than anything. But all that we'd already stood up to paled in comparison to this latest danger. And _no_, I'm not just talking about my baby. The greatest danger to me is... myself.

I mean, I really hope there aren't any people out there who want to be me, because I really have this knack for making "responsible" choices that end up causing tremendous pain for me and everyone around me. But even though most people probably won't even trust me to watch their plant for a few days, I_ really_ am responsible. I mean, I did the responsible thing and went and got married before getting pregnant at eighteen. And I'm even faking going to college! Look at how responsible I am.

And if you don't believe me, just ask my mother. Shell tell you just how responsible I am. Of course, I suppose anyone would be responsible compared to her. That doesn't change the fact, though, that I'm going to do the responsible thing and have this baby that is essentially killing me from the inside.

And look at how responsible my actions have been towards Jacob. No matter how much pain I cause to him through my actions, we're only doing what _destiny _has told us. He totally is supposed to be a part of my life. _I can feel it. _And he can too, hah! Ah, the fun of being a main character. I don't have to make any difficult choices. Everything I do is right and perfect and works out so well.

Even my thought bubbles are sparkly now. Weird.

But yes, after the bloodiest birth scene ever, everything's going to be perfect and wonderful and nothing will ever go wrong and Edward and I will ride off to our beautiful cottage at sunset with our perfect daughter and then we'll have some awesome sex.

_It'll be just perfect._

* * *

><p><em>So hello there, everyone! In case it wasn't clear from the description, this is the fourth and final installment of my arduous and epic quest to parody the <em>twilight _saga, meaning that there are three lovely complete parodies for you to read before this, which I certainly hope you do. _Insert Fail Symbolism Here _is the first. You can find it on my profile! This parody covers _breaking dawn_, with each chapter of _The Fourth Wall _corresponding to one from _breaking dawn. _  
><em>

_ For my familiar faces, have some pixel pie! Because you've gotten enough cookies already. I am so terrible excited that we've finally come to this point, and thanks to those who've been with me this whole time as well as those who are new. _

_ Typically, I would post the next chapter next week, but because fanfiction had a little tiff with me and wouldn't let me post for the last two weeks, the next chapter will be out in a few hours. After that I'll go back to a weekly schedule.  
><em>


	2. Family

ACT ONE: SEX SCENES AND OTHER THINGS

* * *

><p>They weren't staring at her, but Sue felt their eyes on her. <em>Judging her. <em>

Outside of Sue's special little bubble of reality, however, most of the patron of the Spork's Starbucks were just thinking _It's the jerk in front of me who is slowing this line down with his stupid super long coffee order. _Sue was correct, however, that they had indeed judged her. Of course, anyone who actually was marrying Edward Cullen would be subject to their judgment, so it was nothing personal.

As Sue sat there waiting for her double-quadruple-might-as-well-just-eat-a-cookie chocolate chip frappachino to be ready, she anxiously twisted the ring on her finger. Such a little thing for all the trouble it caused. Well, it had some help in the form of the extremely shiny and flashy and expensive car that was apparently missile proof that Edward had gotten her. No one knew how to be _stealthy and inconspicuous _quite like her sparkly, bronze haired boyfriend. Fiancé. Ugh.

It really was missile proof, too. Edward and Liaf had tested. Sue vaguely wondered who would be attacking her with missiles. Maybe the Volturi. Sue supposed if Edward and Liaf had managed to get their hands on a missile, the Volturi could too. But Sue somehow doubted that the car would really make that much of a difference in the circumstances. So maybe Edward was overreacting just a little, and maybe he was just the teensiest bit of a dramatic fellow. It was _sweet. _Really. It was just as sweet as handcuffing your girlfriend to a headboard so she can't go hang out with her best friend. Which Edward had indeed done before.

Though, considering her best friend was Jacob Black, that last thing might be a little more justified than the missile proof car. Jacob had been rather insufferable lately, Sue almost wished he had run of into he forests to live like a wolf for a few months, thus conveniently keeping him out of the way of the plot until Sue was ready to angst over him a little more. Angsting was exhausting business, after all. Sue sighed and stood up. She walked over to the Starbucks exit and tossed her cup in the trashcan as she passed it. Unfortunately, she just wasn't that lucky. Jacob had stayed right here in Sporks, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't avoid him.

* * *

><p>Sue parked her car in the driveway and then headed into the house. She was met with the sound of laughter before she'd even closed the door. Gruff laughter.<p>

"…so then I went up to that Pretty-Boy, and I was like 'I'm going to punch you in the face,' and he was like, 'let me put down this corpse first!' and then I punched him in the face!" Jacob's voice came floating down the hall. It was followed by another hearty round of laughter. Sue winced. Jacob was telling about the events of last weekend. Apparently Edward had been hunting a little too close to wolf territory, and Jacob had taken it upon himself to deal out punishment. Although Sue suspected that Jacob might have been stretching the terms of the treaty somewhat, considering that Edward had been in Canada at the time.

Sue wasn't quite sure how Jacob got away with telling Charlie these stories. Charlie probably just thought that Jacob was a liar or a little special, but he liked stories where Edward got hurt, so he let Jacob get away with it.

Sue walked into the living room, and Charlie and Jacob stopped their conversation in order to stare up at her.

"I'm going to kill your boyfriend," Charlie said without preamble.

"Fiancé," Sue said with an air of resignation.

"I'm going to mount his head on a pike, and then attach it to the Sporks High flagpole," Jacob added eagerly.

"That's a new one," Sue said. "Now would you go home already?"

"Naw," Jacob said. "If I'm going to have to be your brother because you're too weak to tell me to screw off, then I'm going to be your overprotective brother who hates your boyfriend."

"And I'm going to help him," Leah added, reaching over to take some popcorn out of the bowl resting on Jacob's lap.

Sue cringed a little. "And why are you here?" Sue attempted to demand of Leah, but it came out timidly. From what she had seen of Leah lately, she was pretty sure the whole Leah's-father-was-wolf theory was true. Or Leah simply had a personality disorder. One of the two.

Perhaps fortunately, it was Jacob who answered her. "Leah is here because her contract says she is a main character now, and she needs to get her screen time.

"And the best way to do that is to hang around with this slab of abs," Leah added, poking Jacob's shirtless chest. "He has a way of making the plot revolve around him."

"That's cause the plot is so tiny. It just gets caught in the gravity of my chest," Jacob said, casually, turning his attention back to the football game on TV.

"That sounds suspiciously like banter. I don't like it," Leah said, confiscating the popcorn bowl as punishment. She would have stabbed him, but even she realized that bring knives around Charlie was a bad idea.

Sue shook her head in dismay, and walked into the kitchen. She wasn't going to be winning any points with that crowd.

From the living room, Jacob sighed. "You know, you sound like Rosalie," he told Leah.

"Is that an insult, wolf?" Rosalie said. Sue nearly dropped the spoon she was holding. She stuck her head out into the living room only to see that yes, Rosalie really was standing in the middle of her living room, giving Jacob a contemptuous look.

"Are you stalking me now?" Jacob demanded, looking from Leah to Rosalie. Rosalie scoffed.

"Hardly. Don't flatter yourself, wolf. I only came to drop off this." And then Rosalie stepped aside, revealing the one thing that could possibly make the situation—Charlie, Jacob, Rosalie, and Leah altogether in the same room—worse. Alice.

Sue slapped a hand to her face as Alice beamed first at Charlie, then her. "Who's ready to try on wedding clooooothes!" she sang.

"Carlisle was worried she wouldn't make it here without something dying, so he sent me along," Rosalie said with a shrug. "Have fun." She left, and Sue suspected she might have even been smiling.

"You know what? I think that's our cue to leave, too," Leah said. She grabbed Jacob's arm—rather forcefully, it seemed, though Jacob had seen what Alice could do—and then they sprinted out of Sue's house. Alice continued smiling, and was now holding two garment bags in her outstretched hands.

"Let's get this over with," said Charlie, even more gruffly than normal, as he painfully turned away from the TV. However, it seemed he too had succumbed to Alice's charm—or the fear that Alice created in most people. Something about those dark, bubbly eyes just promised that the torture that their owner could inflict was beyond anything imaginable.

"Here, put this on," Alice said, setting one garment bag down for Charlie. And then she turned those eyes on Sue, and Sue cringed inwardly. And maybe a little outwardly. Sue needed to find girlfriends that were a little less intimidating. "You, follow me!" Alice chirped, running up the stairs to Sue's room.

"Do we really have to do this, Alice?" Sue groaned as she stripped off her clothes behind the closed door. "I mean, it really wouldn't be so bad to go to Vegas and just take care of things there, would it? I mean, we went to Vegas before, and it was fun, wasn't it?"

"Nope!" Alice said, giving Sue as smile as she began to help her into the big poofy wedding dress. At least it was white. There had been a lime green one that Alice was eying. "You're not getting out of this!"

True enough. Sue knew that if she tried, first she'd have to deal with Edward—who would point out to her, again, that no wedding meant no sex. And neither of them wanted to deal with that. And then Sue would have to deal with Alice, who was already exhausting to deal with as a general rule. And finally, she'd have to deal with Jacob's gloating. And that little part of her that just loved crushing all of Jacob's hopes and dreams one by one couldn't stand to see that. It was a very small part, but occasionally very persuasive.

Plus, Sue wasn't even sure she wanted to anymore. Not after all she had had to go through already to make this wedding work. Like telling _Charlie. _As Alice stabbed Sue with a pin, she thought back to that day…

* * *

><p><strong>FLASHBACK TIME!<strong>

"Edward," Sue said, voice slightly panicky, "Edward, I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Relax, Heroin, I got this," Edward said. They sat on the couch in Sue's living room. Or rather, Edward sat, and Sue half-stood up, only Edward's hand keeping her from bolting out the door and running somewhere, anywhere, just as long as it wasn't _here_.

"You're not even supposed to be in the house!" Sue wailed. "Or within two miles of me! How can we tell Charlie that we're getting _married!"_ Sue shook her head frantically, squeezing her eyes shut. It was only after several beats of silence passed that she opened them, to find herself looking into Edward's horror-struck face.

She turned around slowly, very slowly, to see Charlie standing there in the door to the living room.

"Well, hell," Edward said. "Cat's out of the bag now, isn't it?"

Charlie shot him in the face, narrowly missing Sue in the process. Necessary sacrifices, and all that.

"God!" Edward said, raising his hands to his face. "Do you always have to do that? You punctured my eye-patch!"

"Thief! Scum! Devil!" Charlie shouted, eyes bugging out of his face, spittle flying from his lips. He brandished his loaded and safety-less gun in the air wildly. "I'll kill you! I'll kill your whole family!"

"Dad!" Sue said loudly, half in anger, half in embrassment for being related to him.

"And you!" Charlie rounded on her, angrily shaking a finger. "I should have let Jacob rape you when he had the chance!"

"_Dad!" _Sue said, shocked.

"I'd be happy to still, just so you know," Jacob said, wandering out of the kitchen holding a bag of chips.

"Not helping, Jacob!" Sue said.

"It's too late old man!" Edward said, grabbing Sue's left hand and showing the ring on it to Charlie. "I'm taking your daughter and you can't stop me!" He then tucked Sue under his arm, through the remote control through the window, and then jumped out. Sue only got a few cuts from the broken glass, and only one need stitches.

* * *

><p>Luckily, Charlie's rage was quickly forgotten once he began watching football (after retrieving the remote, of course. It needed new batteries), and as Edward was rather careful not to have contact with him since. And then Alice had shown up with all her wedding planning supplies, and not even Charlie could argue with Alice. Sue thought if she got him drunk enough, they might even manage to get through the wedding without Charlie creating too much of a scene.<p>

Sue sighed—lightly, given the dress—as Alice pricked her again. Weddings were just a bundle of joy.

* * *

><p><em>Yay, first chapter! Yay, it's on time!<em>

_That's my way of expressing anger. Angrily pointing._

_Oh, and yeah, I'm breaking this into several acts-cause "acts" sounds cooler than "parts." Chapter wise, this act is the longest.  
><em>


	3. The Proper Way

The wedding was two days away now. Sue wasn't sure how she felt about that. On one hand, there was the _wedding_, but on the other hand, there was the _sex_, and Sue wasn't sure if her dread for the first overwhelmed the desire for the second, or vice versa.

Edward was excited for both, of course, because there was going to be an open bar at the reception, and that meant he got to watch a lot of drunk humans doing stupid things. Sue had made him—and the rest of his family— promise they wouldn't try and drink anyone's blood when they passed out, though Edward complained that ruined the fun. But Sue would rather avoid any incidents, considering that the whole town of Sporks had decided to come once they heard about the open bar thing. There was going to be enough for her to worry about, between Jacob coming, having to keep an eye on Jasper, and making sure her mom didn't fall into the river in the Cullen's backyard. And Charlie. Sue didn't really want to think about that.

Unfortunately, her distraction would be taken away shortly. And by distraction, she meant Edward, who was making out with her. Tonight was his bachelor party, and that meant that soon someone would show up to kidnap him. Sue didn't want to know what he would be doing. Knowing his family, it would be bad. Beyond bad. But she trusted Edward. He would never do anything to betray her…

A rock flew through Sue's window, shattering the glass. Edward had his back to the window, and luckily he protected her from the flying splinters of glass. Of course, that meant he got some in his neck, but at this point he was no stranger to pain. He still was swearing like the high-schooler he pretended to be, though.

Edward unceremoniously dropped her and stomped over to the window, pulling shards of glass out of his back. "Do you know how many times that window has gotten broken?" He shouted into the night.

"Then maybe you should stop sneaking into your girlfriend's room at night, Pretty-boy!" Liaf shouted back.

"Do you really think you should be shouting that?" Jacob asked. Sue raised an eyebrow. He had joined the bachelor party crew? That was an interesting development, to say the least. However, her surprise was quickly forgotten at Jacob's next words. "After all, combined with the sound of glass breaking, won't you wake up Charlie?"

Sue's eyes found Edward's in an instant. He returned her look of terror. "Son of a—" she began to say, but she was cut off by a sound comparable to what a grizzly bear might make. A very large, angry, and possibly gruff grizzly bear, starved after several months of hibernation, that's awakened to find you in its lair.

"Bye," Edward said, leaping out the window.

"Don't do anything you'd regret if the pictures end up on facebook!" Sue shouted as they ran for it.

"We can't keep that promise, ma'am!" Emmett called back. Sue ground her teeth. However, she had bigger problems—amazing as that might seem—than the massive trouble her fiancé was most likely going to get into. Footsteps like a charging bull echoed down the hallway. Sue braced herself. However, the door suddenly flew open, and Sue saw, of all people, Leah standing there.

"What the—" Sue began to say, but it was another one of those days when no one was going to let her finish her sentences.

"You can be annoying later," Leah said. "In a hurry here."

"But—" Sue began. Leah leaped at her, sending both of them through the now open window.

"Excellent work," Rosalie said as she caught Sue. Alice attempted to catch Leah, but Alice wasn't good at doing things correctly, and Leah didn't really trust any vampire, much less Alice, and so Leah more landed on Alice. Rosalie then dropped Sue, who fell ungracefully to the grass. She scrambled to her feet at the same time as Leah and Alice.

"Really, why does not one bother to use the door anymore?" Sue complained, poking a cut on her arm. "They're so much less painful than the windows."

"Didn't have much choice," Leah shrugged. "Blame the boys for waking up your crazy father."

"That reminds me," Sue said, looking around at the faces surrounding her. "This is the weirdest group I think I've ever seen. Do you mind telling me what is going on here? I suspect it can't be anything good."

"Of course it's good!" Alice said, clapping her hands. This did not make Sue less worried in any way. "We're having a party!"

Standing on either side of her, Rosalie grabbed one arm and Leah took the other, holding Sue in place before she could run away. "Oh, no you don't," Rosalie said, _smiling_. It looked menacing though, so Sue supposed it fit. "You didn't think that you fiancé was the only one who got to celebrate the last hours of his unmarried status? Well, admittedly, he's held the position for a while longer than you have, however, that doesn't change the fact that we are about to throw you a bachelor party the likes of which you will never forget."

"Oh," Sue said. "Oh dear."

* * *

><p>"Hey, I flew in this before!" Sue said as they stood in front of the jet parked behind the Cullen house.<p>

"Actually," Rosalie corrected her, "you flew in Edward and Liaf's jet before. Which is gone now, since the boys are flying somewhere too. Though they were as secretive about their plans as we've been about ours. I imagine flying with Liaf and Edward must have been quite the experience."

"It was indeed," Sue said with a wince, remembering Liaf's flying skills. "Whose jet are we taking, then?"

"Oh," Sue said. That explained why it looked like the jet was painted hot pink. "Wait, please tell me that Alice isn't—"

"She is," Rosalie said grimly. "And yes, it is exactly as bad as you imagine."

"Everyone ready?" Alice trilled, skipping past them. "Oh, I'm so excited! It's been so long since I've had a chance to fly this!"

"Just to be clear, you want to celebrate my bachelorette party, right?" Sue asked Rosalie, blanching as Alice bounced up the stairs into the plane. "You're not trying to kill me?"

"Not anymore," Rosalie said with a _comforting_ shrug. Sue shivered a little, but deciding she probably didn't have any choice in the matter, followed Rosalie into the plane.

In the cockpit, Sue looked around at all the complicated-looking machinery, as Alice got the plane ready for take off. Or just pressed randomly colored buttons. With Alice, it was hard to tell sometimes. "So wait," Sue said suddenly, "if you had a private jet sitting around your house this whole time, why didn't we take it back when we were rushing to Italy to save Edward. Even if we take out the five hour delay at airport security because someone tried to smuggle crack through, taking this would have been so much faster!"

Alice looked up at her with wide eyes. "Oh my goodness, you're right!"

Sue resisted the urge to slam her head into the machinery, but it was close.

"Are we going to leave anytime soon, or just sit here until it's actually time for her to get married?" Leah asked, appearing in the door to the pilot's compartment.

"We're just about ready for take-off!" Alice said cherrfully. "Just let me press a few more buttons!"

"Why are you here, by the way?" Sue asked Leah. Leah looked at her, and Sue remembered that talking to Leah was usually not a good idea.

"It's the main character thing," Leah said, satisfied with Sue's reaction. "Besides, this makes the two parties even. I'm your token werewolf."

"Oh," Sue said weakly. "Hurray."

"Alright!" Alice said. "Take-off's in thirty seconds! You might want to go buckle yourselves in!"

Sue and Leah exchanged a look, on the same page for once, and then bolted to their seats.

* * *

><p>"Never, ever again," Sue said, staggering out of the plane.<p>

"Except for the ride back home," Rosalie reminded her, surprisingly calm considering the plane ride they had just had. 'How many barrel rolls can I do in thirty seconds' was now Sue's least favorite game in the world.

Sue sighed in dismay. "That better have been worth it. Where are we anyways?" Sue asked curiously. The others had kept all the plane's windows shut while they were flying, and refused to tell her where they were headed. The hanger in which they had landed gave no more clues. Sue didn't even know how long the flight had been, since she slept through most of it.

"The only place, really, to properly celebrate a bachelorette party," Rosalie said with a grin, steering Sue towards the hanger exit. Alice, smiling brightly, and Leah, looking fairly green still, trailed behind them. They stepped through a door, into a snowy wonderland. "Santa's Workshop!"

"Oh god," Sue said, looking over the snowy scene before her with dismay.

Rosalie looked faintly bemused. "You know, that's not exactly the proper reaction to learning that you're in Santa's Workshop. Most people are, I don't know, _happy?_ You realize that there are other… goodies… here besides toys, right?"

"Yes," Sue said as an elf-girl in a minidress (by elf, of course, Sue meant a vampire wearing plastic elf ears). The place really hadn't changed since she was last here, a year and a half ago. "Edward and Liaf brought me here once."

"Ah," Rosalie said, understanding. "I could see how that could leave you with a bad impression. Edward probably abandoned you with Don Santa, didn't he?"

"Yes," Sue said, shuddering at the memory. "And Rue," she hissed.

"Edward always did have a thing for that Holly," Rosalie said with as near to sympathy as she could manage. "And Candy, and Tinsel, and Noel, and all of the reindeer, at one point or another, and…"

"Got it," Sue said shortly.

Rosalie shrugged. "Right, well, anyways, we're not going to see Don Santa. Not for what we're looking for. We're going to the Snow Queen."

"The Snow Queen?" Sue asked. She took the coat that Alice offered her, and the four of them began to walk down the fairly scandalous streets of the North Pole. Some of the fashions they were wearing were incredible—and not just for the women. She could swear that vampire who looked a lot like Jasper that just passed her was wearing a snowflake patterned speedo.

"The Mrs. Claus," Rosalie said.

"What?" Sue exclaimed in disbelief. "Don Santa is married? But he asked me to be in a threesome! With _Rue_!" It was probably a mark of the character of the town that no one gave Sue a second glance as she shouted that in the middle of the shopping district.

"Yeah," Rosalie said. "They're an interesting couple."

"With a very open marriage!" Alice added.

"You know, I'm trying to figure out why you chose the vampires over us werewolves, and I can't quite see it," Leah commented.

"Yeah, well you guys were descended from laser sharks!" Sue shot back.

Leah gave her a confused look. "I fail to see how pointing out how awesome we are is going to help your case any."

"Here we are!" Rosalie said, interrupting them. They had come to a halt in front of a towering palace made of shining ice. "The palace of the Snow Queen!"

"Ooo," Sue said. "What are we going to do here?"

"Take a guess," Rosalie said. The frost covered silver doors in front of them slowly swung open, revealing two of the queen's manservants. Looking at what they were wearing, Sue made a guess.

* * *

><p><em>TO BE CONTINUED…. Dah dah dah!<em>

_ I know the wedding was supposed to be next chapter, but this is too much fun. I'll be a chapter behind for a while until I catch up. _

_My parents had an open bar at their wedding. They said once the got the bill worked out, everyone would have had to have had an average of seventeen drinks. That's including the minors. _


	4. Ignoring the Fact It's June

"This place is amazing!" Sue said, half-laughing, half-gasping, as their little party staggered down one of the seemingly endless hallways of the Snow Queen's place. Despite the apparent size of the place, though, other partiers were still to be found. Caught up in their own revelries, they swirled past Sue. Mostly women. The men here were generally employees of the snow queen.

"I know, right!" Rosalie said, a little past tipsy at this point. Waiters carrying glasses of some red substance that Sue suspected she might recognize were also abundant in the party rooms of the palace. There wasn't too much for humans to drink, though. "When Alice started planning for your bachelorette party, I knew it had to be here."

"Oh man, and those guys had some moves!" Sue said, giggling.

"I liked the one that tried to make a move on Leah!" Alice chirped.

"I can't believe you guys wouldn't let me keep his arm." Leah scowled. She was the only one who was hyper at this point. Sue suspected it was the fact that just about everyone here was a vampire, which might have made her a little edgy.

"Battle souvenirs have no places in strip clubs," Rosalie said pedantically. "Besides, all the guys were avoiding us as it was."

"I'm just surprised she didn't have to turn into a wolf to tear his arm off!" Alice added.

"So where are we headed now?" Sue asked curiously. What they had already seen already almost made the fact that Charlie would probably lock her in their basement when she got home worth it.

"Now," Rosalie said, grinning back at Sue—she must have really been drunk to do that—"Now we are going to go meet the Snow Queen herself. We're old friends, and it would be a shame if you didn't get a chance to meet her."

"Ooo," Sue said, raising her eyebrows. She tried to imagine the type of person who would have a place like this—and a husband like Don Santa—and be Rosalie's friend. "How did you two meet?"

"Well, there was this one time when Edward disappeared for a couple months, and Carlisle found out he'd ended here, and so Carlisle sent me to go bring him back. I finally found him passed out in the alleyway out back of what was the Snow Queen's place back then. Well, it was a lot smaller back then, and she heard me shouting at him about how worthless of a sparkly waste of space he is. She evidently liked what she heard, and so she came out and introduced herself. Well, we quickly became friends, and I decided that it wouldn't hurt if I spent some time here. Eventually Carlisle sent Alice and Jasper to retrieve both Edward and I. They ended up in Antartica, and finally Esme went out and rounded us all up." Rosalie finished, nodding sagely.

"I brought back a penguin!" Alice said. "It lived in the bathtub until Jasper ate it."

"The circle of life," Rosalie shrugged. "Anyway, here we are!"

They had come to the end of the hallway, stopping in front of another pair of ornate silver doors. Rosalie nodded to the guards, who looked them over and then opened the doors with a shrug. A very through screening processes. Though, going off Sue's experience, if this Snow Queen was Rosalie's friend, she could probably handle herself in a fight.

They entered into a beautiful chamber—the throne room, Sue supposed—with a high, crystalline ceiling and spiraling pillars of ice. Sue tugged the coat Alice had given her around her a little tighter. Everyone else had changed into attire more appropriate for the party, even Leah, after much persuading and more than a little arguing. And possibly a dash of violence on the part of Rosalie and Alice thrown in there. Alice could be a vicious little bugger, when she wasn't being cute, crazy, and downright terrifying.

"Ooo," Rosalie said, standing on her tips toes to see over the crowd of vampires that were gathered in the throne room. "It looks like the Snow Queen is holding a trial!"

"A trial?" Sue asked, as they began to push their way through the crowd. Well, Leah and Rosalie pushed, Alice just kind of darted through, being about as tall as your average fifth grader, and Sue trailed after them.

"Well, she and Don Santa are kind of the rulers of this place," Rosalie said over her shoulder. "Their word is law. And they make everyone who comes here sign a waver agreeing to submit to their judgment."

"I didn't sign any waver," Sue said, skirting away from a vampire who took her to be part of the catering services. "And none of you did, either."

"Details," Rosalie shrugged.

Suddenly, a voice imperiously issued from the front of the crowd. "Shut up, everyone! The Snow Queen calls this court to order!"

"Yay!" Alice said. Several people around them gave them curious looks, and Sue just shook her head. Like anyone understood Alice.

"Now then," the speaker continued. "These four are on trial for the grievous crime of breaking into the Snow Queen's very own sacred and forbidden chambers with the expressed intent of pirating her holy undergarments for nefarious purposes."

Hmm, Sue thought. Pirating holy undergarments for nefarious purposes. Somehow, that sounded like someone she knew.

They had reached the front of the crowd, and were pushing through the last line of vampires, when another voice rang out.

"We weren't pilfering your majesty's most magnificent petticoats!" said the familiar voice, full of drunken confidence. "We were just going on an old fashioned _panty raid_!"

Yup. It was Edward.

Sue slapped a hand to her face, as beside her, Rosalie hissed, and Leah began shaking. Alice waved.

That wasn't all, of course; it was quite the scene laid out before them. Before them, standing in front of a magnificent silver throne, was a person who Sue could only assume was the Snow Queen. She was dressed all in white, in a gown vaguely reminiscent of Marie Antoinette, if Marie Antoinette was a vampire playing dress up in a town devoted to naughtiness. Nonetheless, Sue had to admit the woman looked the part. Very white and sparkly. Before her knelt Edward, Liaf, Emmett, and Jacob, held in place by a fair number of guards with holy water guns. The Snow Queen was pointing a scepter that looked like it was made from icicles at the boys.

"Regardless of whatever terminology you choose to use to justify your heretical actions, the offenses against the Snow Queen are the same," said the voice from before, and Sue realized with some surprise that it belonged to the Snow Queen herself. Evidently she spoke in the third person. Well, looks like there was another freak to add to the pile. "And therefore, a punishment most terrible must be applied."

"If I may be so bold, your majesty, I can think of several suitable sentences," Rosalie said, stepping forward. The Snow Queen looked over at her with initial offense, and then surprise when she saw who it was.

"Man, I must be really drunk," Emmett said to Edward in what Sue suspected he thought was a whisper. "I almost think I'm seeing Rosalie."

"Why, Rose, dearest!" the Snow Queen cried, stepping off her dais to give Rosalie a hug, which Rosalie almost returned. "The Snow Queen is so pleased to see you! It's been almost six months! What have you been up to?"

"That's a tale you'll enjoy hearing, I think, your majesty, but one that will unfortunately have to wait," Rosalie replied. "You see, those men there, they belong to us."

"Oh, how positively scandalous!" The Snow Queen cried dramatically. "And you've come to bring them back? Oh, but the Snow Queen does love justice!"

"Is that seriously what you're here for?" Jacob asked, looking over at them. "Dressed like that? Somehow, that doesn't seem like rescue mission attire."

"They made me wear this," Leah growled, tremors running up and down her arms.

"Well, I'm not too sure about you, Wolf-Girlie, but I'd say the rest of you are here for distinctly less noble purposes than that," said Liaf, looking at their clothes and noting the fact that Rosalie and Alice both were swaying on their feet. "In fact, I might even be so bold as to suggest that you four are also here to appreciate the _attractions_ of this place."

"What!" Edward cried. "My Sue would never do such a thing!"

"Yeah, I imagine she thought the same thing about you," Liaf said. "That didn't stop you from taking the quickest route possible to the strip club capital of the world."

"And Rosalie said that Sue's bacholorette party was supposed to be tonight!" Emmett said. Rosalie shot him a death glare.

"No!" Edward cried. "How could you do this to me, Heroin!"

"How could you do this to me?" Sue shot back, crossing her arms defensively.

"But I do this all the time!" Edward said.

"And how about you?" Leah asked, sneering at Jacob. "You developing a thing for vamp chicks?"

"Is this now hypocrite night or something?" Jacob said. "You don't seem to have any qualms about looking at the Snow Queen's pretty boys yourself."

"I hope you realize we're going to have a nice, long talk after this," Rosalie said to Emmett, with a calm no one believed in the slightest that she felt.

"Times like this make me really glad I never found a girl my size," Liaf said.

"I have no idea where Jasper is!" Alice said with a smile. "But I don't think he can really tell the difference between genders, anyways!"

"And that's reassuring?" Liaf asked Alice as the others squabbled around them. The vampires of the Snow Queen's court, who had gathered there hoping to see an execution, nonetheless had found their amusement in egging on the warring groups.

"Betrayal in the Snow Queen's court!" said the Snow Queen, clapping her hands in a poor imitation of dismay. "Oh, but how shall this work out?"

She did not get to see, however, for just then a voice magnified by a megaphone, filled the air. "Oh, my love!"

The Snow Queen's eyes widened. "That voice… but that belongs to the Snow Queen's…" She darted into the crowd, which obligingly parted for her. The two parties of Cullens plus token werewolves followed behind her, curious by this turn of events. Several among them had recognized the voice. The men were prodded along by the Snow Queen's guards. The Snow Queen led them through the great glass doors on one side of the throne room, onto a grand balcony that overlooked the Snow Queen's gardens. A sweeping flight of stairs led down to the ground level. Or would have led down to the ground level, had there not been an army assembled at their foot, Don Santa at its head.

Sue was mildly reassured to see that the beard glued to his chin was as fake-looking as ever.

"You know the laws of Santa's workshop, dear!" He called up to them as the Snow Queen's courtiers assembled behind them, forming a fairly impressive army of their own. "No man shall ever be punished for something he does in the pursuit of awesomeness! Therefore, I call upon you to release my friends and our honored guests!"

The Snow Queen put a hand on her hip. "Or you'll force the Snow Queen, is that it?" she sneered. "Perhaps that would work if the Queen did not know full well that you just made up that law."

"Details," shrugged Don Santa. "Regardless of laws that may or may not be flagrant abuses of my power, my demands still stand. This power struggle between us has gone onto too long! Now, return Edward and his party, or we shall see which of us is truly the stronger!"

"Does it bother anyone else that we just got demoted to Edward's party?" Jacob asked. One of the guards poked him with his holy water gun. Jacob looked at him for several seconds, and then took the gun and shot the guard in the eye with it. He ran away screaming.

"Ah, but Don Santa still does not understand the Snow Queen!" She said, flinging her arms out dramatically. "She makes her own laws, and if any one should challenge them, well then," she gave a low laugh. "She will fight."

"Where did she get a sword from?" Sue whispered to the others.

"I don't know, and I don't want to know," Leah said. "Now, should we get out of here before—"

The armies charged at each other, leaving them square in the middle of the battlefield.

"Too late," Rosalie said. "I'm going for Emmett!" And then she disappeared off into the chaos.

Leah watched her go, and then shrugged. "If you can't beat them," she said, and then phased into her wolf form, tearing the expensive clothes Alice had forced her into in the process. Sue suspected that might have been a little more intentional than merely an oversight, especially considering that Leah's own clothes were safely tucked away. The silver wolf quickly vanished into the mass of warring vampires.

"Alice," Sue began, slightly panicked, but of course, Alice was already gone. Could have seen that coming.

Whimpering slightly, Sue made an _almost_ graceful retreat through the crowd. One she reached the corner where the balcony met the palace, she crouched down, and covered her head. All around her, the forces of the Snow Queen clashed with Don Santa's army. She saw a flash of blond hair, and followed it to where Rosalie seemed to be giving Emmett that "talk" she'd mentioned before. She saw Leah darting around, attacking fairly indiscriminately, until another wolf, red-brown and massive, appeared before her. And at the center of it all warred the Snow Queen and Don Santa, having what had to be the marital fight of the century. Some of their language would even put Liaf to shame.

Sue watched in terror as vampire brethren met vampire sistren in combat, a terrible battle in what should have been one of the happiest places on earth. More than that, this had grown out of a celebration related to her wedding, which was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. She almost couldn't watch, but what else could she do? She had no power to stop this war! And was it too much to ask to get a really sad song, and a speech on the evils of fighting?

And it was then that it began to rain.

It was not an ordinary rain, no. It was a rain… of _happiness_. Flowers fell from the sky, stuffed animals. Freshly baked cookies landed on the heads of the vampires, who had stopped their fighting to stare up in wonder at the sky. A kitten landed on Edward's head, and after a few seconds of furious scratching, it landed in his arms and stared up at him with big, sorrowful eyes. Sue caught a scrap of love poetry, folded into an origami swan.

"What is going on here?" The Snow Queen asked, voicing everyone's feelings.

"Look there, against the moon!" someone cried, and all heads swiveled to watch as a flying sleigh, drawn by a team of reindeer, appeared silhouetted against the full moon's light. It grew as it made a second pass over them, dropping down another rain of happiness. And then, as it flew low overhead, Sue could see that manning the sleigh was none other than Jasper. Jasper dressed in a red-and-white speedo with one of Don Santa's fake beards, but nonetheless Jasper, tossing handfuls of candy and flowers and ribbons over the side of the sleigh, into the wondering crowd.

"So that's where he got to," Sue thought she heard Liaf say from somewhere in the crowd.

"How did he even managed to find reindeer, much less flying ones?" Don Santa muttered as the sleigh disappeared behind a building.

"Listen everyone!" Alice said, suddenly right next to Sue. Sue looked up the find her standing on the railing, which would have looked really dramatic if it didn't put her at roughly the same height as everyone there who was not a midget. "We have just witnessed a Christmas miracle! I know what Santa was trying to tell us through this act! He wants us to stop fighting, and to get along! Now, everyone, take into your hearts the Christmas spirit! Remembering the joy of giving! Remember the warmth of being together! Santa wants us to realize that no matter how angry we might get at the ones we love for committing slight acts of betrayal and getting really drunk and doing stupid things, we can forgive them and remember what it is that is truly important! Santa wants us to be happy and remember love, in the name of Christmas and happiness and kittens!"

A hush fell over the crowd as Alice spoke, a tangible tension being drawn and stretched. The crowd held its breath for one second of silence as Alice finished, and then two. And then—

"Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have led an army to attack your palace!" cried Don Santa, running over to the Snow queen.

"Me too, Jay!" she sobbed, dropping her sword and returning his embrace. "I shouldn't have tried to execute your friends, even if they were trying to steal my panties!"

And then, everyone in the crowded was running, hugging significant others, friends. Flowers were placed in hands and in hair, stuffed animals sheepishly exchanged.

Sue stared in disbelief for a moment, still unclear what had actually happened in the last five minutes, and then looked up at Alice. "Do you really think Jasper meant any of that?"

"Who knows?" Alice said with a shrug. "But this chapter would have been really bad if we didn't decide to go for cute. I have to go find Jasper now before he manages to hurt himself without me. That game is so much better with two people. And anyways," Alice gave Sue one of her sunny, Alice-smiles, "I think you have your own business to take care of."

"Huh?" Sue said. Alice leaped off the railing down to the ground, and Sue turned back to the crowd only to find Edward standing there in front of her, kitten in hand.

"Um, well, I realize I haven't really done anything but make sex jokes and be mildly offensive towards you in this whole parody series, but we are getting married in about a day, and I did just get a fairly adorable kitten dropped on my head, so one cute moment couldn't hurt, could it?" Edward said awkwardly.

Sue smiled. "Naw, it couldn't hurt anything." She skipped over to him, and gave him a hug, sandwiching the kitten between them.

* * *

><p><em>Crude and cute. That's some juxtaposition fun, right there. <em>

_ Also, this isn't even one of the double chapters. I just got apparently got carried away because I actually had a storyline to write about. Weird._

_Slightly early chapter hopefully makes up for the slight late ones!  
><em>


	5. God Help The Bride

"So, all and all, that was probably the weirdest thing we've ever done," Rosalie said to Alice. "Maybe. I don't know, Vegas was pretty bad, but all we really did was get really, really, drunk. We didn't manage to start a war or anything. And the sheer fact that you and Jasper were the ones to resolve everything is odd."

"It stands to reason that if the world is steadily going insane, then Alice and Jasper would be right at home," Leah said with a shrug. "They know the rules of the game better than anyone else by this point."

"Yay!" Alice said. "Speaking of insane, maybe we should focus on getting Sue for her wedding!"

Sue twisted to look behind her. She sat in front of the mirror in the Cullen's bathroom, and should have been getting her hair and makeup done, if Rosalie and Leah weren't serving as such excellent distractions. "Alice! You're not allowed to make barbs like that!"

"Oh, oopsie," Alice said, looking down at Sue with some surprise. "I'll just go back to badly applying your makeup."

"Sometimes, you should just know when to fold," Leah observed.

"Or know when to run," Rosalie added. "I mean, seriously, this is your chance to run for it. Do you seriously want to marry into this family?"

"Um," Sue said. "I guess so?"

"What else is she going to do with her life?" Leah asked, perching on the bathroom counter. "She has no discernible talents or interests, no friends except for Jacob and I suppose us—"

"We're friends?" Sue asked, turning away from Alice and her jumbo black eyeliner pencil to look at Leah with large, hopeful eyes.

"Oh, come on," Leah said, looking at Sue and trying to decide if her best bet was to walk away slowly or attack, "couldn't you just go to your school psychologist and get diagnosed with dependent personality disorder, or something? As opposed to bugging us? You're really starting to scare me, and considering I regularly share the thoughts of a horde of teenage boys, that's saying something."

"SUE!" A frantic, childish voice called, sprinting into the room, entirely taking the focus off Leah. The whirlwind quickly resolved itself into Sue's mother, Renée. She bowled into Sue, messing up all Alice's hard work. Sue looked better for it.

"Oh dear it's my mother this is distressing," Sue said as she fell to the floor.

"Yeah, I'm just going to leave now," Leah said. "One product of that particular gene lineage is quite enough for me. Besides, Jacob's down there playing best man, and I bet he's doing some really good complaining right now."

"Oh, before you go," Alice said, and then darted out into the hallway momentarily. Leah raised an eyebrow at Rosalie as Sue continued to be smothered in the background. Alice bounced back in, holding a long dress bag. "Don't forget to put on your bridesmaid dress!"

"No chance in—"

"I picked it out," Rosalie said absently, busy watching as Renée hauled Sue back to her feet and then began apologizing profusely.

"Oh, alright then," Leah said, accepting the garment bag. "But why am I a—"

"So Sue doesn't look like a friendless loser when her only two bridesmaids are the sisters of the boy she's marrying," Rosalie said, with a faint smile.

"Oh," Leah said, "isn't she a friendless loser, though?"

"Yes," Rosalie said with a shrug. She yanked Sue over, frowned, and then picked up a brush to attempt to undo the damage that had been wrought through the combined efforts of Renée and Alice. "Sue's never been good at dealing with people, which is probably why Edward was the only thing she could handle. But appearances and all that dictate that you get that dress."

"Right," Leah said, slipping out of the room, presumably to go change into her dress.

"You know, I am right here, and I can hear everything you're saying," Sue said, looking back at Rosalie with a frown. Rosalie impatiently turned her head back and resumed her work.

"Can you now?" Rosalie said with the slightest hint of irony. "I thought the inane ramblings of your mother would have drowned me out."

"I'm right here too!" Renée said with a pout, placing her hands on her hips.

"I'm pleased you managed to find your way up here, considering your apparent intellectual capabilities," Rosalie said, not stopping her work. "Honestly, what was all that nonsense about Sue being mature for her age? Sue is entirely the least mature, dependable, or responsible human being on this entire planet. With you two living alone together, I'm surprised you did not all die in a toaster fire years ago."

"Actually, it was Charlie that burned down the house making poptarts that one time," Sue said.

"It's been mentioned before that you're genetically screwed, Sue, don't make it more obvious," Rosalie said. Sue pouted, having finally had enough.

"It's my wedding day!" She protested. "Couldn't you lay off me, just for today?"

"Nope," Rosalie said. "Like I said, you chose this family. It's your own stupid fault. Besides, I just saved you from walking out there looking like, well, like Alice did your makeup. So I should think you would be grateful to me."

Sue, indeed, now looked essentially like Sue, as opposed to a gorgon. She still frowned at Rosalie, but didn't say anything.

Alice, on the other hand, smiled at her. "Alright, one bride, just about ready!" She said. "So now, something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue!"

"Hmmm," Rosalie said. "Well, she's living on borrowed time, and is already black and blue from making out with Edward—oh yes we are going to start glorifying abusive relationships now, aren't we!—so then, she just needs something old and something new."

"Her groom is old!" Alice said.

"Really old," Rosalie added. "And her dress is new, so we're good."

"But I thought Edward was seventeen?" Renée broke in, confused.

"He is seventeen," Sue said quickly.

"Yes," Rosalie said, "and he's been seventeen—"

"For a while!" Alice finished happily. Renée still looked like she suspected they were making a joke and she didn't quite get it, but if nothing else, she didn't comment for the sake of appearances.

"Anyway, Alice and I must go change in order to act as your bridesmaids, and that means that your darling mother should go fetch your darling father so we can get this party started," Rosalie paused, and raised an eyebrow at Sue. "Will she be able to find her way?"

"Psst," Alice said, leaning over to whisper at Rosalie, an earnest look on her face, "everyone tells me I'm not the most purple crayon in the box, but shouldn't you be pulling off the human act a little better? You look like you're an eighteen year old girl, after all. And whatever the general public's opinion on teenager girls, most wouldn't be so vicious with the mother of their future sister-in-law."

"Alice," Rosalie said. "Shut up."

"Fine," Alice said, standing up, putting her hands on her hips, and sticking her tongue out at Rosalie. "I'm going now, meanie face!"

"Speaking of acting one's age," Rosalie said, sighing. "It's times like this when I doubt how much of a favor Carlisle did by bringing me back to life and into his family."

"What?" Renée said, looking at Rosalie curiously.

"Nothing at all," Rosalie said. "Well, keep in mind that this is your last chance to run, Sue darling!" And then she left. Sue may have breathed a sigh of relief.

"I should probably go fetch your father now too!" chirped Renée, skipping over to the door. She paused, her hand on the door frame, and looked back at Sue with narrowed eyes. "Will you be able to keep yourself from overreacting in the thirty second I'm gone?"

Curse her mother and her odd moments of overperceptiveness. "Of course," Sue said dismissively as her mother nodded and left the room.

Of course not.

It took perhaps half a second before Sue began full on freaking out, and not only because that's what someone with dependent personality disorder does when they're left alone. She also had Rosalie's words to think about.

After all, this was her last chance. Once she was married, she'd have to get a divorce if she wanted to leave, and she'd have a heck of a time trying to take any of his personal finances with her. Plus there was the whole vamping thing to worry about. Sue knew she wanted to be sparkly and perfect and beautiful, but still, three days of excruciating pain didn't sound very fun.

And more than that, where would she be after that time? Well, at the Cullen house, of course, but mentally? There were so many things she was giving up, like her friends (which she didn't have), her family (which was probably lost, it had been like a minute now since Renée), and even breathing. But more than anything, she was worried that she wouldn't want to have sex with Edward once she was a vampire. Luckily, that had been the one thing she planned to take care of before the vamping. Priorities, and all that.

"Look, I'm sure it was right around here somewhere," Renée's voice came from outside, insistent and strained. "I am not lost." A gruff grunt was her only answer.

Sue sighed and stuck her head out the door. "Right here, mom."

"Oh, excellent," Renée said, clapping her hands. "Alright, I'll just leave your father here and then get back down to the main room. I think they're just about to start now."

The part of Sue's mind that made occasional appearances, the part that sounded suspiciously like Rosalie, wondered if Renée would make it there before the ceremony ended. But mostly, she was just stuck on freak out mode, and so she nodded as Renée left, and then stood there awkwardly with Charlie, attempting to make small talk, until their cue to move down the stairs came.

Charlie was about as emotional as Sue had ever seen him, barring those few time when he had entered into psychotic rages. He looked slightly more gruff than usual.

They stumbled down the stairs, Sue's unavoidable and endearing Mary-Sue clumsiness making an exciting appearance, and Sue's stomach fluttered. This was it.

Her eyes fell on Edward, with his shiny bronze hair, white skin sparkling in all the twinkle lights that filled the room, his glowing personality that had come out in all the deep and meaningful conversations they hadn't had. She knew, then, that this would all work out somehow.

Charlie deposited her at the altar, and stepped off to the side. Jacob appeared to be making faces at Edward, who was studiously ignoring him. Rosalie and Alice joined in the game, but Sue had only eyes for Edward. He was so perfect and glittery. Just a few hours, and then they would be able to have perfectly safe sex. Safe, of course, in the saving-my-soul kind of way. Not in the, I-know-he-won't-snap-me-like-a-twig kinda way, or the I-know-I-won't-catch-anything-from-him kind of way.

"…you may now kiss the bride," the minister finished. Sue blinked in surprise. Wow, thinking about sex really was distracting. Had she missed the I-do's? Oh, wait, no, Edward had just had the minister take her I do out. Something about her consent not mattering.

Edward leaned down towards her, and all other thought melted away. Just a kiss, and that was that. She leaned up—

And the twinkle lights directly above the altar burst into flame.

"Alice!" Sue shrieked, as everyone panicked and the fire sprinklers Carlisle had installed after the Alice-making-cookies incident soaked her.

"Renée installed them!" Alice yelled before breaking the window next to the front door and jumping out.

"I thought they'd be pretty," Renée said, depressed.

* * *

><p><em>Carlisle: thinking ahead. <em>

_ This was one of those chapters where I was like, holy crap, I'm supposed to put a chapter out _tonight!_ Those kinda chapters always turn out interesting. _

Renée 


	6. Crashin' the Wedding

In a marvel of certainly-not-Cullen-like efficiency, they had the quests all herded outside and into the reception area within a few minutes. Everyone except Mike, who had run off screaming into the woods. Sue had suggested sending a search party for him, but Edward assured her he would be fine.

So now everyone was milling around uncertainly (everyone who wasn't headed straight for the open bar), waiting for the party to start, and studiously ignoring the flashing lights and sirens from the fire trucks. The fire sprinklers had largely done their job, but there were a few scattered blazes still. It looked like the Cullens would be able to keep their house, at least. Sue shuddered to think of the state the mobile home would be in by this point.

The reception, thankfully—and Sue never thought she'd be glad of this—appeared to be in Alice's style, so at least—hopefully—there wouldn't be another twinkle light fire. Of course, there were tradeoffs to that too. Like the cake. It was in the shape of a heart, which could have been romantic if didn't look like the kind of heart that had just been torn out of someone's chest. Alice probably thought it fitting, because she didn't seem to have much of a sense of irony. Of course, they had found Alice in a mental institution; who knew what she was thinking at any given time?

"That was so perfect!" Alice said suddenly, doing that freaky appear-behind-you thing that made Sue wonder if all vampires were also ninjas. She hoped so, that would be sweet!

"Are you alright?" Alice asked, concerned. "Normally at this point, you'd be asking me how I could have possibly found that perfect in a really stressed tone of voice, not smiling off into space and muttering 'ninjas.'"

"Oh, what?" Sue said, snapping her attention back. "Right. How could you have possibly found it perfect that the altar burst into flames the moment before I was going to have a really sexy and entirely inappropriate kiss with Edward in front of my entire family, including my grandma who never appears in this story because she doesn't sparkle?"

"We can fix that," Alice said.

Sue stared at her. "What, my grandma? What are you even suggesting? You are the weirdest little midget I've ever met."

"I find that offensive," Liaf said, kicking Sue in the shins as he passed on his way to the open bar.

Sue hopped on one foot for a few seconds, rubbing at her wounded shin and glaring at Liaf's back. "You're the most violent little midget I've met, but Alice is still the weirdest," she muttered fiercely.

"That looks really difficult to do in a dress and heels," Alice observed.

"It is," Sue said, nearly toppling over and catching Alice's shoulder for support. "Now then, will the bartender serve me alcohol if I go over there?"

"Yes," Alice said.

"Really?" Sue asked, raising an eyebrow. "But isn't that illegal? And also probably iffy from a moral standpoint?"

"You realize he's been instructed to serve anyone who glitters a mixture of human blood and vodka, even if that person is as tall as Liaf is?" Alice said. Liaf apparently heard her and turned around to make a rude gesture. She waved back. "At the rates we're paying him, morals don't seem to matter too much."

"That's so messed up," Sue said, bringing a palm to her face.

"Have a drink to make you feel better!" Alice said, heading over to the bar herself.

Sue stared as Alice skipped off. She never had learned what Alice had found so perfect about a twinkle light fire. Though, at this point, she was really in the territory of 'I don't want to know.'

Edward suddenly appeared before her, saving her from having to be alone for more than ten seconds. He took her hands. "Why hello there, Mrs. Heroin."

"Shouldn't it be Mrs. Cullen?" Sue asked.

"Naw," Edward said. "In fact, let's just stick with Heroin. Far catchier. Anyway, I believe it should be just about time for our first dance."

"Oh dear," Sue said.

"The dancing phobia?" Edward asked. Sue nodded. "I could sedate you, if that would be helpful."

"Did someone spike the blood tonight or something?" Sue asked as Edward drew her over to the dance floor. "Oh wait, yes they did."

"Hey, it was a valid suggestion!" Edward murmured back, adjusting his volume to make it difficult for the people around him to hear. "Now what am I going to do with this syringe?" He pulled it out of his pocket and depressed the plunger a little for good measure. Sue wasn't sure what kind of sedative was bright green, but she was pretty sure she didn't want to find out.

"Why do you have that in the first place?" Sue asked as the music began playing and Edward spun her around with surprising delicacy. She was only distantly aware of the camera flashes going off around them.

Edward shrugged a little, not missing a beat. "Carlisle and I had our suspicions that you might get a little, um, stressed at this whole wedding thing, considering your slight tendencies towards overreaction."

Sue glared at him as best she could while still maintaining a smile for the purposes of not making the crowd of Sporksites think she was already having problems with her husband. "Like you have any room to talk."

"Hey, I apologized for the whole _Taylor Lautner Shirtless_ incident," Edward said. "And I meant to come back sooner than like six months, except I was kind of stuck in another dimension and all that. But anyways, how well do you think sedatives would work on a werewolf? Hypothetically of course."

Sue was about to tell him that the werewolves' extra chromosome would probably render the sedative ineffective (because that's totally how it works), when the song ended and Sue nearly asked for the sedative. Because now…

"My little girl," Charlie said, red faced and gruffly. "It's good to see you haven't grown up at all, still making poor choices like always."

"According to mom, I make choices with the wisdom of the elderly, by which I mean people of your age," Sue said, slowly coming to the realization that she was getting no breaks tonight.

"Yeah, and how many people my age actually make good choices?" Charlie snorted. "Besides, your mother's just pleased that you can make choices at all, considering she's never been quite capable of doing that on her own. Ah, the things I had to do to get you born," he said wistfully.

Sue went red. "Dad, are you drunk?"

"Quite possibly," Charlie said, tripping over his own two feet, as well as one of Sue's. "Though I assure you, dear, that I am not the only one."

"Awesome," Sue said. "Just what this parody needs. More alcohol use."

"I'd say you could call the cops to come shut this story down and teach the underage readers proper morals and respect for the law, but I kind of am the cops for Sporks," Charlie said as they swayed through a turn. Out of the corner of her eye, Sue saw Edward dancing with Esme, which got its own fair share of stares. Small town and all that.

"And the town is so much safer thanks to you, Dad," Sue said, just a little sarcastically. Although, now that she thought about it, Edward and the rest of the Cullens were pretty afraid of Charlie, and they probably were the greatest criminals in the town. So maybe Charlie deserved a little more credit than she thought.

"Speaking of magical crime, it's time to crash your party!" Jacob said, elegantly cutting in, possibly shoving Charlie out of the way in the process. Charlie appeared to be too drunk to care, and went over to join the group of people awkwardly standing around the bar. Or, at least, had been awkwardly standing there ten minutes ago.

"Dude, you so can't read my thoughts," Sue said.

"Naw, but I can read the text," Jacob said, spinning her around. She caught a blurred glimpse of Edward's face, and had the slight feeling he might be taking this the wrong way.

"But—" Sue said.

"Can't complain," Jacob said. "Look at the title of this parody."

"No, not that," Sue said, "I gave up on the fourth wall long ago. Poor thing's been on its deathbed since practically our first chapter. I meant, what did you mean by crashing the wedding?"

"Well, the reception at this point," Jacob said. Yes, that was definitely Edward, and he was definitely not happy, and he was dancing with… that Fatty chick! Sue thought she was dead. Well, not really, but it would have been nice. "I think the fire did an adequate job of crashing your wedding. But anyways, my wolf brothers are all here, cause of the whole open bar thing, and now they're kinda riled up, and there are a lot of vampires here, so yeah, they're kinda thinking about starting a fight."

"What!" Sue said. "You can't do that! You'll ruin my most perfectliest perfect wedding! Why are you even telling me this?" She attempted to tear her hands free, but just like when she had attempted a lunge at Fatty, Jacob held her fast.

"I can totally stop them," Jacob said seriously, peering deep into her eyes like he thought they were _fricking windows into her soul. _"All you have to do is…" Sue held her breath as he paused dramatically. "Dump Edward, and then come with me to Vegas and marry me instead," he said with a smile. "Also, you have to unfriend Edward on Facebook."

"You suck, Jacob," Sue said with a pout.

"There are so many inappropriate jokes I could make right now, but hey, I think I'll just let my fangs do the talking, yeah?" Jacob said, moving to spin her through one last turn. However, as he did so, Sue say that Edward had found a new dance partner. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

"Alright, new plan," Sue said as Jacob paused, confused by her sudden stiffness. "You can go on your rampage, but you have to kill her first."

Jacob followed the direction of her gaze to where Edward was dancing with a sparkly pale girl with strawberry blonde hair. He let out a whistle. "Oh, well now, that's Edward's ex-wife, Tanya, isn't it? Hmm, maybe I'll just let this one work itself out, huh?"

"On it," Leah said, darting into the woods.

"Oops, never mind," Jacob said with a shrug. "Looks like it's rampaging time after all."

As he finished, a silvery wolf shot out of the woods, headed straight for Tanya. Or maybe Edward. Sue wasn't quite sure, and she was quickly distracted by the other wolves who emerged from the woods and headed for various members of the Cullen family. The perverted minion—Quil, the dark brown wolf—headed for Rosalie. Sue wished him the best of luck. She, meanwhile, ran and hid beneath a table, still in her wedding dress. People quickly fled the reception, apparently deciding that no amount of free alcohol was worth dealing with the Cullens anymore. Charlie stayed, firing his gun, until someone—it might have been Billy—dragged him away. In his state, he was as likely to shoot himself—or Edward—as a wolf.

"I think Leah's got this," Jacob said, joining Sue under the table.

"Dude, this is so uncool," Sue said.

"Really? Cause I think it's pretty awesome," Jacob said. "But you know, my offer still stands—"

"HOW DARE YOU!"

Both Sue and Jacob blinked at the voice. That was… but how… the sounds of fighting outside had dwindled away, and so they cautiously stuck their heads out to see what was going on.

Everyone had indeed stopped fighting, choosing instead to stare at Alice, who stood in the middle of it all, quivering with rage.

"Who," she said quietly, when no one responded to her shout, "is responsible for this?" She pointed a slim, trembling finger towards the table where the cake sat. Or, had sat. Now all that remained was a red smear of frosting. Everyone looked at each other wordlessly.

"Man, Rosalie, did you really have to throw me so hard?" Edward suddenly complained, stepping out of the woods. "I mean, we're on the same team."

He was covered in frosting. Rosalie had vanished.

"I see," Alice said. "The rest of you, disappear."

Sue nodded to Jacob, and then they began to sprint away, the rest of the wolves not far behind. Edward, confused, stayed in the reception area.

They were almost away when the screaming started.

* * *

><p><em>So, after a cute anti-violence scene back in chapter three, you get<em>… _more fighting! Yay!_

_Violence and alcohol and trying this at home are all bad. Just don't do it. Yeah. _


	7. Sex Scenes

"You realize I kinda need him back if we're going to go on this honeymoon you planned?" Sue said, knocking on the door to Alice's room.

"One second!" Alice called back. "You probably want him in one piece for your honeymoon, don't you?" Sue supposed that would be helpful.

"Ooooh," Edward groaned. "I changed my mind. You can be the sadist now. You're far more evil than Jane ever was."

"Thank you," Alice said. The door opened, and Alice shoved Edward out, who looked remarkably like he had just been in a car accident. Or gotten run over by a truck or something. "I put bandages over the duct tape, so you should be able to make it through airport security."

"Because you would know all about making it safely through airport security," Sue muttered under breath. Judging from her glare, Alice had heard her.

"Now the both of you, go enjoy yourselves!" Alice ordered, a suspicious glint in her eye.

"But don't enjoy yourselves too much!" Emmett's voice echoed down the stairs, followed by suggestive laughter. Sue and Edward sighed as they headed towards the front door. Their bags were already loaded into the car, though Sue still had no idea where they were going. One of those need to know things, and according to Edward, there was very little she actually needed to know.

"And remember to use protection!" Esme added in his concerned, maternal voice.

"Of course, mother!" Edward called back, neutrally, though he rolled his eyes at Sue. She smiled back. Mothers could be so silly at times. They walked past the giant scorch mark from the fire and out the door.

"Make sure to post on Facebook!" Alice called, waving, as they drove away.

"So Carlisle gave Esme an island, huh?" Sue said, as they stood on the dock of the island.

"Yup," Edward said.

"That's kinda weird," Sue said.

"It looks like Esme from the air, too!" Edward said, hoisting their bags. "Now c'mon, let's get this honeymoon thing on the road!"

"Y'know, I've been thinking," Sue said as she trotted along behind Edward.

"I thought I told you not to do that," Edward said, batting aside a branch with Sue's carry-on.

"Should we really be doing this?" Sue asked apprehensively.

Edward spun, and just about dropped a trunk on Sue's foot. "You so cannot be thinking of taking back the sex now. You tricked me into marrying you; I better get me some sex!"

"Oh, heavens no, I want the sex just as much as you do," Sue said. "Also, it was totally you who wanted to get married." Edward frowned, and she sighed. "Regardless, I just mean, should we really be doing this in front of the readers?"

"Why the heck not?" Edward said, readjusting his grip on the trunks and continuing forwards. "I mean, what're we going to do? Corrupt their innocence? Innocence doesn't exist in the age of the internet."

"Which is kind of sad," Sue said, furrowing her brow. There appeared to be the outline of a house emerging from the trees ahead.

"You gonna do anything about it?" Edward said. "No? Then stop complaining. At least we're going to introduce them to sex in a gentle, careful way."

"Oh whatever," Sue said. "If you've looked ahead at the scenes—and I know you have—you know that these are some of the most awkward, fluffy, and slightly icky scenes out there. And some mothers applaud _twilight _for helping them talk to their daughters about sex. Because I totally want my daughter begging and seducing her boyfriend into having abusive and unprotected sex with her!"

"Would you just shut up and take your clothes off?" Edward asked, dropping the trunks. Sue blinked to see they were at the house.

"Oh," Sue said. "Um, I don't know if I can do that after I just gave that whole speech."

"Please?" Edward said, sticking his bottom lip out.

"But—" Sue said.

"There's a really fluffy and soft bed in there," Edward said teasingly.

"I don't think—" Sue said.

"Oh, stop this nonsense," Edward said, walking over and throwing her over one shoulder. "Please, love, remember that you're not Rosalie or Leah, and you're certainly not capable of doing anything but wanting me. So be good and I'll be nice." He shifted her around in his arms and kissed her. Immediately she forgot everything except Edward.

"Whatever you say," she said breathlessly.

He smiled. "And would someone pan that camera to the moon already!"

The moon hung full and pregnant overhead, reflecting over the water and the dark house.

* * *

><p>"Yeah, the old flash to the moon standby. Classic. Just like Mary Sues," Edward said. Beside him, Sue stirred.<p>

"Did you say something?" Sue asked, yawning as she came back to consciousness.

"Not at all, love," Edward replied.

"Also, why am I covered in feathers?" Sue plucked one out of her hair.

"It's the setup for a really great cock joke," Edward said, shaking feathers out of sparkly bronze hair.

Sue stared at him. "What?"

"I totally bit a pillow," Edward said.

"This is a really weird time for comic relief," Sue said, climbing out of bed to go survey the damage to her hair in the mirror.

"This is a really weird book, in case you haven't noticed. I also bit you, by the way, but I sucked the venom out, so it's cool," Edward called from the bed.

"Dude," Sue said. "Why am I covered in bruises shaped like your hands?"

"Cause I just can't keep my hands off ya, babe," Edward winked at her.

"Ugh," Sue said, sitting down on the floor. "The internets can't be worse than this."

"Clearly you've never looked in the mature fanfiction section," Edward said. "They most certainly can be."

Sue shuddered. "That's disturbing. Well, what are we going to do now? We've still got like half a chapter left, and we've already finished the sex scene."

"Round two?" Edward said. "I could totally show you what they do in those mature fanfictions."

"Um," Sue said.

"Dude, you totally can't do that," said Volturi Guy A, sticking his head into the room. Sue screamed and dived for cover. Edward stood up, showing just how much of him sparkled.

"This is so not a good time," Edward said. "Not that it's ever a good time to see you, but this is slightly worse than normal timing."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have left the door unlocked then," Volturi Guy A sniffed.

"We're on a _private island_," Edward said. "I don't even know how you got here."

"We borrowed the pope-copter," Volturi Guy A said with a shrug. "But that's not important. What is important is that we have been sent by the Fanfiction Police to give you a warning."

"Oh," Edward said. "The _Fanfiction Police_?"

"More importantly," Sue said, sticking her head out from beneath the bed, "when you say 'we'…"

"Looks like someone just got lucky in here!" Volturi Guy B said, skipping into the room.

"Perfect," Sue said, and ducked back beneath the bed.

"Dude, you know, Aro isn't going to like you sleeping with someone else," Volturi Guy B said, sitting down on top of a chest of drawers and sipping at what looked suspiciously like one of the blood bags from the refrigerator.

"Oh, whatever, that was only one time, he doesn't own me! Besides, I've been with tons of other people since," Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"What?" Sue asked, sticking her head out again and glaring up at Edward.

"I said, 'I would never betray my wife, you fiends!'" Edward said innocently.

"Oh, okay," Sue said. She pulled the sheet off the bed, and using it for cover, darted to the bathroom.

"… So," Volturi Guy B said, "where did al the feathers come from?"

Volturi Guy A sighed. "You, bro, are totally not helping. In fact, you're making the situation worse. We have a job to do, as I was saying before you came in." He glared at Volturi Guy B, and then turned to Edward and cleared his throat. "Yes, the Fanfiction Police. It is the job of the Fanfiction Police to at least ensure that all the thirteen year olds who visit this site at least have to change the category they're viewing to include mature fanfiction before they can read about sex. Occasionally violence, but really just sex. Now then, we've observed your fanfic for a long time, seeing as it's been given the highest possible rating that will still show up on the front page. You've always pushed the envelope, but we're here to warn you against crossing the line. Like you were just about to."

"We're strongly warning you," Volturi Guy B said, pulling a squirt gun out of his pocket and casually shooting a thin stream into the air. Edward shuddered just a little, but then furrowed his brows.

"Wait, but haven't we had way worse than this before? How about Don Santa and his threesome? And how about you? Your mouth deserves an M-rating!" Edward protested.

Volturi Guy B shrugged. "Not my fault that Aro's a pedophile, and these books are filled with sex."

"How did you guys even get to be part of the… _Fanfiction Police?_" Edward said, finally sitting down.

"You think they give us a decent salary in the Volturi?" Volturi Guy A said.

"You think they give us a salary in the Volturi?" Volturi Guy B said.

"Yeah, that," Volturi Guy A said. "We do what we can whenever we have off hours."

"He means whenever we can escape from doing Aro's dirty work," Volturi Guy B said. "Which there is a lot of. And it's very dirty, too. Almost as dirty as—"

"Regardless!" Interrupted Volturi Guy A. "Just lay off the sex, alright? Or you'll have to explain to the rest of the characters why they've been slapped in the M category."

"Dude," Edward said.

"Exactly, they'd all kill you," Volturi Guy A said.

"No, I mean, 'Dude, do you know what kind of things they'd do if we were M rated? Rosalie probably has a list ready. And we wouldn't have to censor Emmett out of everything!'" Edward said, a gleam in his eye. "You know, for that matter, I would have some things to do to Heroin—and various other women—if that happened."

"Forget it," Volturi Guy A said with a sigh. "I gave you the warning. Whatever happens now is on you. C'mon, let's get out of here."

"No way, dude," Volturi Guy B said, "I want to hear this," he gestured at Edward.

"I give up," Volturi Guy A said, walking over to the door. "No more sex, you hear me!" He slammed the door, and was gone.

"What!" Sue said, stepping out of the bathroom wearing a robe.

"Actually, I'll leave you two to deal with this," Volturi Guy B said. He threw a lamp through the window, and jumped out.

Edward sighed.

* * *

><p><em>Ah, my silly little characters. They couldn't handle an M rating. <em>

_Does fanfiction monitor the stuff that's posted here? I've never cared to find out. And more importantly, do they call themselves the fanfiction police? _


	8. And Certain Other Things

"Well," Edward said. "That was weird."

"What did he just say?" Sue asked in a choked tone.

"I mean, he even went and broke one of our windows. Which is distinctly uncool. What's wrong with doors?" Edward asked, giving a regretful shake of his head as he inspected the damage to the window.

"You never use my door," Sue said distractedly. "Now, seriously, did he just say what I think he said?"

"Hey, you want some breakfast? I think I want some breakfast," Edward said, eying Sue. "On a scale of one to ten, how anemic do you feel right now?"

"Edward, did he just say that we couldn't have sex anymore, or the Fanfiction Police will shut us down? Cause if he did, I'm totally going to scream," Sue said.

Edward winced. "That's kind of what I'm trying to avoid. Well, look, we have to have some conflict in here somewhere, right? And if I have no problem banging you up a little—which I clearly don't—then the conflict has to come from somewhere else. After all, we can only have so many sex scenes before they start to get boring."

"Really?" Sue asked.

"Well, not for us of course," Edward said. "But I imagine our readers will get bored sooner or later. So let's go find some distractions!"

"I can think of some distractions…" Sue said innocently.

"Too distracting!" Edward shouted, running out of the room. "Breakfast now, temptation later!"

Sue sighed and followed him.

"So," Sue said later as they sat on the couch watching some random movie. She had picked it, grabbing the first case she saw, but Edward seemed rather surprised at the choice. She got bored with all the lightsabers and starships rather quickly, but Edward kept muttering about jerks and how many things were wrong and something that sounded like "Greedo shot first." Sue wasn't sure.

"Yes, love?" Edward said, seemingly reaching for the popcorn, but grabbing her arm instead. He didn't seem upset with his choice.

"Why does your creepy housekeeper lady keep throwing garlic on you and crossing herself?" Sue asked, casting a surreptitious look at the woman. She needn't have bothered with stealth—the woman had her eyes fixed on Edward. Specifically what Edward was doing to her arm.

"Oh, yeah, she's probably a little upset at the whole me being a vampire thing," Edward shrugged a little.

"Oh," Sue said, looking down at her arm. "Should you really, like, being making this so obvious?"

"Yeah, it's not like it'll surprise her," Edward said, "well, aside from the fact that you're masochistic enough to let me do this to you. You see, one time, when I was staying out here by myself because Carlisle thought some quiet time would do me good, I got really hungry, and so decided some housekeeping was in order…"

"Sometimes," Sue said, "even I think you're a little sick."

"Pleased to hear it, babe," Edward said.

"So why does she keep coming back?" Sue asked, reaching for the popcorn bowl with her other hand.

"I'm pretty sure she's trying to kill me, in order to save the world from a menace or something," Edward said, finally deciding that Sue couldn't take more blood loss and still be conscious for the second round of sex scenes. He stuck a napkin on her bleeding wound.

"Hmmm," Sue said. "That would explain this," she flicked the stake stuck into the couch between them.

"Yup," Edward said. "But she does good work, so we keep her around." He held an envelope that Sue presumed held money up, and the woman, grudgingly, took it and left.

"So…." Sue said. "This movie sucks. Perhaps we should find something more… entertaining?"

"This is _Star Wars_!" Edward protested. "I don't know how you can not find it sheer epicly _awesome_."

"Dude, are we going to have sex or not?" Sue asked.

"Yeah fine," Edward said, shoving away the bowl of popcorn. "But I feel like there is something I'm forgetting here. Like there was some random conflict keeping us from having sex."

"And I feel like my continued sexual exploits with you are a blow to feminists everywhere." Sue said. "But do either of us really care about that?"

"Nope," Edward said. "So, without further ado—"

A rock flew through the window and nailed him on the head.

"Why does this always happen?" Edward asked, dazed, as he flopped on top of Sue.

"Feels like—sparkly brick—on chest," Sue gasped. "Can't breathe."

"Dude, do you ever listen?" Volturi Guy A said. "Or like think or… _anything_?"

"No," Edward said, as Sue finally succeeded on pushing him to the floor. En route, he bounced off the coffee table.

"Well, look, we expressedly told you to lay off the sex," Volturi Guy A said as he climbed in through the window. Volturi Guy B, grinning wildly, followed behind him. "And we're gone for two hours, and what are you about to do?"

"Engage in intercourse?" Edward said innocently, sitting up.

"Oh," Volturi Guy B said, surprised. "Well, if that was all you were going to do…"

"Both of you, stop being stupid," Volturi Guy A said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Well, look, it seems that you aren't going to obey the commands of the Fanfiction Police for the sake of not being a jerk, so we're going to have to get tough on you. We're going to employ one of the best methods of changing behavior: making you face the consequences of your actions."

Edward snorted. "What consequences could there possibly be to sex?"

Volturi Guy A waved a hand. "Your girlfriend's now pregnant."

Edward's eyes widened and he spat out a chain of curses. Sue clamped a hand over her mouth and ran for the bathroom.

"How did you even do that?" Edward swore.

"I'd like to say it was my Jedi powers," Volturi Guy A said with a shrug. "But really, it was all your little swimmer's work, bro."

"Dude, that probably shouldn't happen," Edward said.

"Yeah dude," Volturi Guy B said. "I mean, you knocking a girl up? You realize how hard it will be for us to explain this to Aro? He still doesn't think you swing that way."

Edward sighed, and slapped a hand to his face. "Well, thanks, you guys. You're so helpful. Now would you please get out of here? Or you could just stay here until I decide to beat you over the head with a lamp to release all the rage."

"You now, the catharsis theory is totally a myth—" Volturi Guy B began to say. Edward slid his hand down a little, allowing him to glare over it. Volturi Guy A grabbed him and shoved him out the window.

"We'll just be going now!" Volturi Guy A said, hopping out the window himself. "Enjoy your little bundle of joy! And your hysteric girlfriend!"

Edward winced. "Heroin dearest, how are you doing?"

By way of reply, a large amount of sniffling, sobbing, and random, blubbered syllables that would do a two-year-old proud issued forth from the bathroom. Edward's wince became a cringe.

"Well, um, hey, just take it easy, alright?" Edward said, creeping towards the bathroom. "We'll just have to head home, and get Carlisle to remove the consequences of our actions before they can tear out of your belly like an alien invader, and then everything will be alright, okay?"

"WHAT?" Sue wailed, before breaking out into shriek-sobs. Edward decided that was enough comforting for now, and so made his way to the other room to make a few calls.

"That's really interesting," Carlisle said, after Edward broke the news. "Well now, don't you regret being straight?"

"We are so not discussing my sexual orientation right now," Edward said, glaring at the phone. "I've had enough of that recently, thank you very much."

"I don't even understand how she's this pregnant, considering you've been on that island for all of a day," Carlisle commented.

"We already knew any child of Sue and I would be special," Edward said. "Besides, a lot of this island stuff is really boring when it's not outright painful, so we're saving our readers from even reading a parody of it."

"Oh, I see," Carlisle said. "Alright, well, I've never done too many procedures like this before, but I'm sure there's a Wikipedia page on it I can use. We'll be ready when you get over here!"

Edward said his goodbyes and then began trying to get them plane tickets. Sue, meanwhile, was freaking out. If you can believe that.

It all made sense now! All the weird, awkward things that came with being pregnant that she had been noticing in those two hours! So she wasn't just getting fat! And this explained all these dreams she had about fighting the Volturi! Good old dream symbolism. It never steered her wrong.

She smiled while weeping, looking down at her stomach, feeling the faint nudge. She already loved her little nudger, even if it was going to burst out of her belly like some spawn of Godzilla. But horror tightened her eyes. Edward had said he was going to save her from the consequences of their actions, and she couldn't let that happen. So what could she do? How could she possibly stop Edward from becoming a zygote—_baby_—killer? Who loved babies so much that they would be willing to help her?

Well, since this is _twilight_, basically any female character, but she knew of one certain female character whose entire motivation was centered around having a child. She was pretty sure Rosalie had mentioned that at some point, or something. Convenient!

* * *

><p>"I think," Rosalie said, hanging her cell phone up, and spinning her chair around to face the conference table, "that Sue may have a crappy memory. I do love babies. I love <em>eating <em>babies."

"Then why did you agree to help her have her little monster?" Leah asked, sitting in what once upon a time had been the Toaster's chair. Rather convenient that Rosalie had kept this old place. It was hard to meet werewolf friends anywhere else.

"Truthfully?" Rosalie said. "For the lulz. This ought to cause enough angst to cover the next eight chapters. And if we play it right, it might even help our plans."

Leah perked up, setting down her cup of coffee. "Do you mean that we're finally ready to start putting are plan into motion?"

"Yes my friend, I think we are," Rosalie said. "Why don't you go see that Jacob gets the news? His beloved is on her way."

* * *

><p><em>Duh duh duh. The fun begins now. This marks the end of act I. Act II starts next week, and we get to find out about what Jacob's been up to. <em>

_You may have noticed I smashed two chapters together here for purposes of getting caught up. This is mostly 'cause there are only so many ways to make fun of a sex scene (the previous statement is false), and writing just Sue and Edward gets boring after a while. _


	9. Fun

ACT II: FATE, FREEDOM, AND CERTAIN OTHER F'S

* * *

><p>Hey there, everyone. My name is Jacob Black, and I'm going to be your narrator for the next like five chapters or something. Except for random third person segments the author sticks in because she sucks at planning anything except her next meal.<p>

Now you may be thinking at this point that I sound a little bitter, and that is because I am. Here's how life stands for me, alright?

So first off, I'm born in Sporks, of all places. Well, actually, in the Indian reserve next to it, La Push (by the way, whoever was responsible for naming the places around here deserves to be stabbed by an eating utensil themselves). My mom dies in a car accident pretty early on, leaving me to be raised by my dad. Now, you've seen my dad before, haven't you? I love him, but it's really a wonder I didn't die playing in construction or something. So I've got the whole dysfunctional backstory thing going.

Now there's this girl I fall in love with, alright? That's nothing new. She's pretty, and we're childhood friends, whatever. But of course, right once I start hitting my growth spurts and becoming ridiculously amazingly hot and my shirts start bursting into flame due to the burning power of my abs, she falls in love with the creepiest looking guy I've ever seen. Seriously, he looks like he sits in a basement all the time, slamming his face into a table. And his hair is the color of a really bad dye. And to top things of, she develops some kinda personality disorder, but I still love her as long as she keeps her mouth shut. But she's so stuck on him that I don't have any chance at all.

When he leaves, I know it's my chance to shine (read: not sparkle). She's just devastated, and I'm all over the rebound. Except, that implies, of course, that there's some kind of rebound on her part. Not just like crushing depression. I mean, at some point, she had to have considered therapy. Or maybe like drugs? Or was it that she stopped the medication? Whatever I thought, the fact was that she was just a spiraling wreck, and all my abs didn't seem to win her over. I was… friendzoned.

And then all of the sudden he's back, and they're getting married, of all things. Like, there's not even a chance for me to fight. Oh hey Jacob's face, meet the door. Bam! Let's put the dog out. And then the whole sex thing, I'm sure the only reason Edward was talking about that to Emmett at the wedding was because I was there to hear it. And yeah, I did get to then crash the wedding, but really, that doesn't make up for two years of being 'that guy.'

But you know the one thing you should never say? It can't get worse. Because _oh yes it can_.

So we get chased out halfway through the reception, and I don't even get a chance to say goodbye to Sue. Not that I really want to, because that smug little fairy would Be standing over her shoulder, grinning like he's the one with abs that women killed for (I've got a really good story about that, actually. I nearly ended up with a charge of accessory manslaughter). But still, you ever watch the girl of your dreams go skipping off to sleep with someone who just _looks _like a rapist? It ain't a good feeling.

I quickly find that life in Sporks is really really boring without Sue and Edward around. That's kind of become my job at this point: manufacturing conflict for those two. And just what am I supposed to do with them gone? Sit on my couch, eating Doritos? Oh nope, sorry Jacob, one of your loser pack has been forced to love your sister through great and powerful divine cosmic movements which date back to our most venerable laser shark ancestors. Which means he gets the couch, and the Doritos, while as usual, I get a kick in the behind, a smile, and "you don't mind, of course." I'll tell you what, if I was a laser shark, a whole lot of faces would be getting melted. And at least half of them would sparkle.

So if my favorite people to annoy are gone, you know who that leaves me with? Leah and Rosalie. And, son of a shark, when did I become as bad at making friends as Sue?

"You're inner monologuing again," Leah says, flicking a paper clip at me. "Stop it."

Yeah, sure. I know for a fact that Leah spends as much time as I do on her inner monologues. Wolfy mind sharing shenanigans. Hers are usually more violent, though.

"Well, what would you have me do?" I ask, with a sigh. It's not a rhetorical question, not around these two. There always is something for me to do.

"'Shut up and watch the TV' would be lovely," Rosalie comments from my other side. Yeah, sitting on a couch between two beautiful ladies, lucky me, right? Good thing these aren't ladies but little death machines, right to their cores. Rosalie reaches over to grab some of the popcorn, which is weird, because she doesn't like actually eat. I get my answer, though, when she begins throwing at me. Shoulda guessed.

"So is this seriously what we've been reduced to? What our hideout has been reduced to?" I gestured around us. I don't even know how much money it must have cost to get that huge conference table put onto a platform that flips over to a full living room setup. Not to mention the huge television that descended from the ceiling. At some point, I think Rosalie just started spending money to be spiteful. Good old anger issues, our constant companions. Sometimes, I think Rosalie hates Carlisle for making her a vampire. Probably the whole having to spend eternity with Edward thing.

"You have a problem with _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_?" Leah asks, raising an eyebrow at me as she grabs some popcorn herself. She actually eats it, though. Good for her; I'd rather not have my hair smelling like that neon yellow crap they claim is butter. Even if it's freakily delicious. "If anyone did, I would think it would be Rosalie."

"Naw," Rosalie says. "I like watching vampires die just as much as humans."

Yeah, so this is how I'm spending my Saturday. Watching a _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ with two of the most violent people I've ever met, because the only thing I was doing before they called me to come over here was building sand castles with that pedobear that was my friend and the two year old he imprinted on. Fun fun. It's like the universe wants me to kill myself or something.

"Oh great mistress, Seth Clearwater is here to speak with you all," states one of the robot butlers that Rosalie bought (yeah.), appearing in the doorway. She nods and it rolls away to fetch Seth as she pauses the episode. And it was just getting to the good part, too. Wait. Ugh. Kill me now.

Rosalie is one of those people who, on closer inspection, just doesn't make any sense. Obviousily, that applies as a general rule, but I mean, look at her current guests. Really, she acts like such an elitist, but all her friends are werewolves. Not that I should complain; it just means the lady has good taste. Unlike a certain other girl I can think of.

"Stop scowling," Leah orders me. "You'll make my brother think that you're angry at him."

Pfft. The really sad thing is that I actually do drop my frown at her command. I hate to say, but there are definitely too many women in my life right now.

Seth bounds into the room then, grinning like a big stupid idiot. Seriously, who gave him the right to be happy. This is _twilight_, for god's sake, where was his angst?

"I just got a message from Edward!" he announces, waving his i-phone in the air. Right, that little bromance thing he and Edward have going on. I really should talk to Leah before her little brother starts getting beat up at school. Or turns into a wolf and kills a couple bullies. Yeah. Get right on that. "He and Sue are back from there honeymoon!"

"Cool story, bro," I say, turning my head back to the still image of Buffy. "They've been gone for like a day. If you want to hang with us, you don't need to make crap up." Might even be doing me a favor, acting as a distraction.

Rosalie's phone buzzes. She stands, grabs it off the table, and flips it open, smiling faintly. "It appears your little friend is correct," she says, smugly, just to tick me off, I'm sure. "Carlisle says that there is a slight complication, and they need all the help they can get."

"What do you mean, a slight complication?" I say, because something like that always reeks of understatement. Especially given current company. I might be panicking, just a little. "Did he kill her trying to get some?"

Rosalie shrugs, her hands spread wide. "No idea. Guess you'll just have to come over to my place and see."

"You realize that if she's dead I get to start killing your family?" I tell her. I probably should at least give her a warning, after what we've been through. Killing someone's family is not typically considered a nice surprise.

Except I forget this is Rosalie. "I know," she says, rolling her eyes. "That's why you're coming with me. I want to be sure I can watch. Though, if you manage to kill Edward, I'm going to start calling you Jesus."

"We'll just have to see what happens," I say, standing up myself. Perhaps I sound just a bit more serious than I expected, because Rosalie grins.

"We can take my car," she says.

So we get in her fancy little red convertible thing and go zipping off to the middle of nowhere, the perfect place to find vampires. She drops Leah and Seth off about halfway down the driveway, Leah not wanting to get anywhere close to the lovable little vamps, and doing the responsible thing by keeping her brother away from the "danger" too. Cute. Not that I'd tell her that. I like my man parts attached. I am, however, a little curious why they bothered to come at all. Raw curiosity, I suppose.

Rosalie parks the car, and then, still smiling, motions for me to go first into their huge white sparkly house. I hold my breath before I step through the door, expecting to see the battered body of the girl I clearly loved more than my sanity.

Except that would be too easy, of course.

Would my head break first, or the wall?

* * *

><p><em>Oh look Jacob perspective! Fun. I actually have decided I like writing in present tense more than past tense, so Jacob's perspective gets to be in present tense. <em>

_Um, yeah. Hope you guys don't totally hate this chapter.  
><em>


	10. Still Getting Worse

"Jacob!" Sue says with a smile and a wave, and it takes me a coupe seconds to remember that this is the girl I've spent the last few years destroying my life over, and therefore I should probably not kill her. But really, her neck just looks so vulnerable, and, you know, in terms of problem solving, I have found murder to be pretty effective.

Edward looks up at me then, and I'm pleased to say that his expression would definitely be classified as disturbed. Yeaaaaaah. I mean, he's pretty messed up himself, so anytime I can make him look like that…

…actually, that probably doesn't say anything good about me. Hmmm. Maybe I should just do what I always do, and blame it all on Rosalie.

Sue's looking back and forth between Edward and I, as both of us are kind of frowning and staring off into space, when Rosalie walks in, stops dead, and then says, "sonofa—you are really preggers."

Sue nods, her eyes all wide and adoring, and Edward screws his face up in disgust. "Yes, well, this won't last for long. Carlisle's up there preparing the coat hanger right now." And while I'm happy that his spawn will get out of her, I'm a little annoyed that he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Instead, everyone else gets to deal with the consequences of his actions. Like me.

The little fairy then has the never to give me a thumbs up. Hmm. If I take his head off his body, will he still be able to read minds?

He edges away from me a little, towards Sue—the sissy, thinking she'll protect him—when of all things, Rosalie shoves him away.

"Oh no you don't, my baby killing friend," Rosalie says. "You aren't coming near her now. And neither is Carlisle."

"Rosalie," Edward says calmly. Yeah, right, like he's really so cool. I know he's as prone to overreaction as Sue is. "I know we've had are differences before, but please, trust me when I say this. Bring. It. On."

I'm still trying to figure out what's going on here—because honestly, the only time Rosalie ever does anything is when she thinks it will either benefit her or harm Edward—or me, for that matter, when all the sudden, Leah, of all people, breaks the front door down and strolls in. "I'm siding with Rosalie here, Vamp, so you might want to think twice." It doesn't take an idiot to see the neon green gun in her hand, and know it's loaded with holy water.

Edward looks as confused as I am. The little midget coach driver steps through the now very open door behind Leah, muttering about how she took his gun and also what he hopes she'll do with it. Seriously, I should work on finding less insane friends.

"What the heck are you doing here?" Edward asks. "And why are you helping Rosalie."

"I have some really tragic backstory and obviously, since I'm female I want to help in the acquiring of the child," She says, tossing her head back. I don't believe her for an instant. Leah and Rosalie are the two least maternal and compassionate people I've ever met. They're plotting something—but that's nothing new. I sigh, resigned to the fact that I'm only here for what has become my job lately—standing in the corner looking pretty. Which I do really, really well, by the way.

"We're helping too!" Alice said, spring up behind the couch, her little silent tag along sidekick Jasper right beside her. I'm pleased to see that I'm not the only one to jump at their arrival. Sue rolls right off the couch. Rosalie tosses her back up, but no one pays her much mind.

"Um, not that I'm complaining, but why?" Rosalie asks the nightmare pair.

Alice just smiles—making me, at least, shiver—and says, "I want to be an auntie! Auntie Alice!" Jasper nods slowly.

"What?" Edward manages finally, his eyes about to bug out of his head. "No! No, you can't do this to me! This is my choice to make!"

"Edward, I—" Sue begins to say, but he just continues on, talking right over her.

"That's my little Godzilla thing in there," he gestures to Sue's stomach, "and if I want to get it out, that's my business! Not yours!"

Rosalie smirks and perches on the arm of the sofa next to Sue's head. "Oh? Edward Cullen can't take anyone telling him what to do? How sad. Suck it up, Pretty-Boy, because whether you like it or not, we're in for the long haul, here." She glances down at Sue's stomach, which is already pretty impressive. "Or maybe not," She says.

"Does this mean I should bend this thing back into shape?" Carlisle calls from upstairs.

"Yes, dear," Esme answers. Apparently he's on team maternal too.

"But, but," Edward sputters in rage. Finally, in a whine that definitely fits his sparkling, pretty self, he says, "but I don't waaaant to be a father!"

"Tragic," Rosalie says, giving one of her victory grins. And Edward is just out of luck.

Of course, I'm still confused as heck, more so for the fact that I agree with Edward. Last I checked, demonspawn were a bad thing. "Leah, can I talk to you for a moment?" I say, as politely as I can manage. Leah and Rosalie exchange looks, and lord knows that that can't mean anything good. But Leah nods nevertheless and follows me out of vampire land.

"So um," I begin, once we're standing on the Cullen's front lawn. Or what passes for it. "What just happened in there?"

"We agreed to let an eighteen year old girl kill herself through pregnancy?" Leah states coolly. Bluntness. Got to appreciate it.

"If you try to strangle me, I promise you I'll have seven knives in you before you even reach me," Leah says offhandedly. Clearly I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought.

"Fine," I say. My hands are quivering. Which would be bad, if our conversations didn't always end up like this. "Then please, explain to me why it wouldn't be worth it?"

She rolls her eyes. "Didn't you hear? I have a secret, deep desire to have a child myself, like any woman of breeding age. So I completely respect Sue's choice to put herself and everyone around her for the sake of the little bugger."

"And I believe that crap about as much as when Rosalie said it. Now why don't the two of you tell me just what it is that you are actually plotting, so I can stay as far away as possible?" I say, proud of the subtle little edge of threat that creeps into my voice. Leah herself couldn't have done it better. To drop the cherry on top, I take a sharp little step forward. Far from being impressed by my theatrics, however, Leah looks like she's about to show me how it's done. Her mouth opens in a snarl when suddenly she's cut off by a howl from the forest.

"Ooo," I say, turning towards the dark tress. "That's not good."

"So Sam finally showed up to rein us in, did he?" Leah mutters, and it looks like her anger has found another target. Be grateful, hide. You were saved for another day. "Better go see what our almighty leader wants. Wouldn't want to start a war. Yet." And then she's running off to the woods. Articles of clothing mark her passage. I really hope that perverted… husband… of Sue's isn't looking. Of course, if he is, then Leah will get to sort him out later, and that might almost be worth it.

Plus he would see me too, and don't really think—I sure hope—that the vamp doesn't roll that way.

I try to get rid of the thoughts before I get four legs, and by the wolfish chuckles I'm greeted with, I don't succeed. A fair amount of them belong to Leah.

_Seriously, could you two hold off trying to kill each other for five minutes? _Sam asks. _I'll give you something else to kill instead. _

And that's the good thing about Sam. He never lets us do what we want, but he always gives us a piece of candy when we're good kids.

_Shut up, Jacob. Keep your snarky thoughts to yourself. _Sam says. Leah and I start heading back to where we left Seth (Leah tied him to a tree to keep him from coming to see Edward. We really would have to do something about the little bromance they have going). The other wolves have gathered there.

_Wish I could, oh great leader_. Blaming, Leah, blaming Leah. Insubordination never used to be my thing. _Then I wouldn't have to hear Quil thinking about that two year old. _

_ Sorry._ Quil says. Not that he actually stops thinking about her.

Sam sighs too—I gotta admit, I do have some pity for the guy. He's the leader of a pack of really, really special wolves. And he has to fight against a really special group of vampires. Leah and I screech to a halt next to the pack.

_So, what's up_? Leah asks, sitting down, and inspecting her claws. Which were sharp. We weren't sure if that was a consequence of her human fingernails or human personality. Probably both. She thwaps me with her tail, and then pretends innocence. Which doesn't work, because it's Leah, and also I can hear all her thoughts.

_Billy sent us over here_. Sam says. Curse my father. _He told us there is an abomination present. We must kill it. _

_ Um, _I say. _That might be a little difficult… _

They all watch an instant replay of the events in my mind. The commentary isn't pretty.

_Leah! _Sam snaps. _Just what do you think you're doing? Clearly that thing is a danger to us and everyone else. _

_ And to Sue, _I supply helpfully. Silence greets my remark, lasting several seconds. Leah attempts to whistle with wolfish jaws. I begin to get a little suspicious.

_Um, Jake, buddy, you realize that if we go for that thing in Sue's stomach, there's a lot of Sue to get through first. _Embry finally says, hesitantly.

_Well, yeah, but,_ I begin to say, and then all of the sudden, I get it. _Oh. Oh. OH. _

_Hey look a squirrel!_ Leah says, running off into the trees.

_SAM YOU SON OF A_—

* * *

><p><em>I gotta say, these Jacob chapters really aren't bad, especially for being <em>twilight. _Jacob and Leah are definitely interesting characters, and Jacob has a much stronger voice than good old Mary Sue. Sure, the characterization is a little iffy at times, and it's really kind of disturbing reading about murderous pregnancies, but there actually is some interesting stuff going on here. My main problem with these chapters is where they end up. A lot of things should have happened, in my slightly less than humble opinion, that did not. Luckily, since I'm in control now, you get to get my version! (Evil Laughter)_


	11. Things I Do For Bacon

_Chill out, bro, _Sam says. _I know you've got some kinda deal worked out with the girl where she fulfills all your masochistic desires, but even you have to admit that we'd probably doing the world a favor by getting rid of her. To say nothing of the horrid cross between her and the vampire with the awful brown hair. _

_ While that's all true, _Leah says, her mental voice a whisper, _Sam, you are still the biggest idiot in the world. _

And then she's gone—must have gone back human. Doesn't matter to me, either way. Though she's going to miss quite the show.

_I think the world would be better off without you! _ I say, my lip curling back to reveal teeth. Lots of them. Snarls ripping through their gaps.

_Ten bucks on Jacob, _says Seth. He must have gone wolf and gnawed his way through the ropes. Clever kid. Or just a good biter.

_Time and place, kid, _Embry says.

_Ten on Sam, _Quil says. Embry heaves a mental sigh.

_Cool it, Jacob, _Sam says, baring his own teeth just a little. _You know I don't exactly like killing innocent people—_

_ Debatable_, says Quil.

_That hiker was really fricking obnoxious _Sam says, turning a glowing gold eye on Quil. Really, I'm this close to tearing Sam to shreds, and they still find time for witty asides. These people never cease to amaze me. _Besides, _Sam continues, _he was not innocent. He was a litterer. And litterers must die. But as I was saying, I don't take pride in this. But seriously, she made an informed choice, and it turns out it was a crappy one. It's called consequences, and they always suck. _

_ I doubt she was informed, _I say. _Her vamp doesn't like telling her things. Thinks it gives her ideas. Besides, she'd probably do whatever he told her to do. _

_ Chick is crazy obsessed, _Quil adds. Helpfully. Maybe I should kill him too.

Quil edges away from me as Sam shakes his head. Looks like Quil caught that last bit. _Then she is a fool, and that has consequences too, _Sam says. He's a big wolf, this huge black thing with those yellow eyes looking down from what should seem an impossible height. But I'm big too. And there's always the hope that if we start a brawl here, some of the Cullens will come and join in. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Edward was listening to our conversation right now.

_What? _Sam says. Oh ho ho, great leader didn't know something? Well now won't this put a kink in your plans, Sammie-boy? He shoots me the dirtiest of glares that you have ever seen produced by a wolf. A, the fun of mind reading. Lets you know just what kind of insults the people around you are flinging your way. Kinda makes me wonder about Edward, who hears the thoughts of everyone all the time. You'd think the vamp would develop some confidence issues, because I know very few people every thinking anything about him that isn't insulting. Suppose that his ego just must be greater than it has any right to be.

Sam, meanwhile, has recovered and is taking charge of the pack. Awesome. _Going in there while they're forewarned is dangerous. Retreat for now, and we will talk once we are out of mind shot, _he tells us.

Okay. Decision time. It's pretty clear that he just wants to get a few miles away and then come up with a plan to attack the Cullens where Edward can't pick up on it. Sam knows as well as I do that while we've lost the element of surprise, we still need to strike quickly, before they have time to dig in. Which means if I go with them now, I'm as good as agreeing to help murder Sue. And I think I'm going to pass on this chance, thanks. So then—

_I left my, uh, shirt back over by the Cullens' place. I'm just going to go grab that— _I begin to say.

_Stop being stupid, idiot, we can hear your thoughts, _Sam says, exasperated more than anything. This wouldn't be the first uprising he's foiled in its tracks. We can be an insubordinate lot when we want to. _When you want to? More like all the time_, Sam sighs. Guy probably does have it hard, trying to protect the town from those vamps. Unfortunately for him, my job isn't to make his any easier.

_You should probably pick a better excuse next time, bro. Sam knows you haven't owned a shirt in two years, _Embry says quietly.

_We're moving out, Jacob, everyone. Now, _Sam says, doing that fun little alpha command thing. _Seth, go find your sister._

Okay, seriously, what kind of sadist would ever come up with that? "Let's just give the alpha _complete and absolute power _over the pack." Yeah. Great idea. I'd like to show them how great of an idea I think it is. _Jacob, honestly, why are your thoughts filled with nothing but violence, except towards the people we actually want you to kill? _Sam asks. _And why aren't you moving?_

Huh? Well, the last of the pack is just now disappearing into the trees, but I'm still sitting here. That's actually kind of weird, because those absolute commands of the alpha are supposed to be, well, absolute. Like, irresistible. As in, I shouldn't be able to be sitting here on my furry behind when I've just been ordered to go.

And suddenly, I realize my head is now quiet.

_Oops, _I say.

_What, by our laser shark ancestors, did you just do? _Sam says, suddenly giving me a very odd wolfish stare. And he sounds—somehow different then before. It's like speaking in human form. I can't hear the thoughts behind the words.

I begin to get the idea that I just did something very, very bad.

_I think I may have just left the pack, _I say. My bad. Except, for the life of me, I can't bring myself to regret it.

_LEFT THE PACK? _Sam's words now are twined around anger in shock. This is probably not something that he ever expected to happen. Insubordination, yes. Successful insubordination? Not in a million years. _Unintentional _successful insubordination? Hello, frozen hell.

_Um, _I say, not quite sure what you say to your ex-alpha. Awkward, yeah. _See ya_.

And then I break for the trees, darting to the side once I'm a little ways in to hopefully throw off any pursuit. I can hear angry howls radiating from the clearing, though, so I think I'm safe. Although, now that I think about it, there's only one place I can go, and he won't follow me there. Not now.

I burst through the trees into the Cullen's clearing, and of course, Leah is there waiting for me. Honestly, couldn't I take a breather for like five minutes without anyone yelling at me? All we need is for Rosalie to come out of the house, and then my life will be complete. And by "complete," I mean, "I'm killing myself."

Before I can shift into human form, however, Leah's suddenly on four feet. Hello, alarm bells.

_Paranoid much? _She says with a wolfish smirk. Which really is not too different from her human smirk. _Or just aware that you'd lose in a fight with me?_

_ Cute Leah, _I say, aware that I really don't want a fight right now, but I might just get one. _Look, I'm not even a part of the pack anymore, so why don't you just… _

I trail off, and she just sits back on her haunches, still grinning. And with a sinking feeling, I realize I can hear her amusement.

_Leah, _I say, choosing my words carefully, slowly. I know she can feel the ticking behind them. _Why can I hear your thoughts, and not the rest of the packs'?_

_ That is because they're no longer part of your pack, _Leah says, licking at one paw, just the little picture of serenity. Which of course, is the sign of the apocalypse. _I, however, am. _

_ Me too! _Says Seth, who I can tell is running towards us right now.

_Along with my idiot kid brother, _Leah finishes.

_Oh,_ I say, and there goes the fuse. _WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? _

_Cute, Jacob, _Leah says, doing that awesome little throwing my words back in my face thing. _Please, you think you're the only one who gets fed up with Sam? Besides, I already know how to manipulate you, so this will make things easier for me. Cheers, Alpha. _And then she charges back into the trees to go back human. I can't help the little whimper that escapes my teeth. However, that whimper changes into a growl when I round on Seth, who is just bounding into the Cullen's clearing.

_And how about you? _I demand. _I've given up on ever understanding what it is that your sister is thinking at any given time, but you I can at least bully into answering me. _

_ I like Edward, _Seth says, and I suddenly feel like he should be transforming into a golden retriever instead of a wolf. He does kind of look like one, with his tongue sticking out and his sandy fur. Seth gives me a strange look, probably not getting the comparison, but continues on. _I want to help him, and Sam seemed like he had other plans. _

_ Kid, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly friendly with Edward either. He did just kind of impregnate the girl I love, and we are therefore not on the best of terms, _I say, about to just bash out my brains out already.

_Oh, I know, _Seth chirps, even though he's a freaking giant wolf. Honestly, I don't get this stuff sometimes. _But like Sam said, you're violent in general lately, so at least you're not focused like Sam is. _

I'm about to explain to the kid just how little sense that makes and yell at him to run on home like a good kid and not get stuck any further in this messed up little world we've created, when suddenly the door to the Cullen manor opens, and out walks Rosalie.

"Oh, get a hold of yourself already," she sighs. "Seth, would you please stop him before he gets blood on our white paint?"

And then Seth, that cruel little traitor, runs over and pushes me away from the wall of the Cullen house before I can taste sweet oblivion. He even manages to hold me back when human Leah walks out from behind Rosalie, holding a plate of food and looking curious at the proceedings.

She looks over Seth and me. "Man up," she advises me, and then walks back into the house. I let out a howl in response that probably makes her smile. I can't win at _anything_.

"Now then, would you turn beck human already? I have no desire to become one of those people who talks to animals," says Rosalie, raising an eyebrow at me imperiously. "Although, I suppose I do spend most of my time talking to _dogs_." I imagine she meant the last as a sort of general insult. Ah, the comforting feeling of general hatred. It might just help my healing process if I could find people who didn't spend their time hating the world.

_I don't hate the world, _Self says, and the kid actually sounds worried.

_Yeah. You love everything. And that's worse, _I say. And then I immediately feel like a jerk. For some reason, this kid is just nowhere near as much fun to harass as the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. I've lost my abuse guy. And gained a conscience. Do over? _Look, kid, just go get some bacon, _I finally sigh.

Luckily, the kid perks right back up. Good to know bacon is still a miracle worker. _Thanks, Jake! _He says, and then he bounds right into the trees to transform back.

Rosalie, meanwhile, has evidently become fed up with watching two wolves stare deeply into each other's eyes (man, I am _not _going to start a bromance with Seth. I'll leave that to him and Edward), having a conversation she can't hear, and so she throws a paper clip at me, a skill she's recently become rather adapt at. I dodge, and it embeds itself in a nearby tree. I yowl at her, and she crosses her arms.

"Please, wolf, if you're going to curse me out, at least do it in English," she says. "Now get in here, and you can have some bacon."

Well, bacon does sound good—damn her.

Nevertheless, the miracle worker has struck again, and so I go running back into the trees, finding the place where I'd conveniently stashed my shorts (and no shirt—Quil'd been right about that one), and I go back human, cursing the deliciousness of bacon the whole time. Only it could get me to go into that house, and deal with pregnant Sue, Edward, Rosalie, and Leah. And Seth too, I suppose. Kid better not have ate all the bacon before I get there, or I'm tearing his head off, conscious or no.

I walk up those pretty little white steps, tracking dirt all over them, and steeling myself, step through the door. And above her huge, freaky belly, Sue beams at me.

"I really don't think you'd want to be in his head right now, Rosalie," Edward comments, apparently continuing a conversation they were having before. He and Rosalie are seated at opposite ends of Sue's couch. "It's just really an odd mass of violence right now that can't seem to decide whether it wants to focus on himself or those around him." And Seth over there, sitting on another couch next to Leah, nods his head vigorously. I'll show them unfocused.

"Right now, he's imagining feeding me to sharks," Edward says, fr some reason rubbing at one of his pinky stumps. I never did learn how he managed to lose them—or where he picked up his eyepatch—but I imagine they're pretty good stories. "I'll tell you, dog, I've been there, done that, and it really didn't do anything for me."

"Huh?" Sue says, bless her heart. "But you were knocked unconscious for three days, and then you were in a cast for several months."

Edward looks at her with a rather tight grin. "Sue dearest," he says. "Why don't you just focus on the little monster killing you from within."

Sue frowns right back at him. "It's not a little monster," she says, pouting. "So stop calling him that! It's our son, and you're going to love him, or _else._"

It is kind of funny to see Edward getting whipped. At least I'm not the only person getting crushed by Sue's psychotic whims.

He glares at me, and I stick my tongue out at him. Not exactly the most mature of courses, but I blame lack of sleep, as well as having to deal with the pack mind. Seriously, that's enough to drive anyone insane, and I don't think having my own pack is going to make that any better.

"Look, Sue dearest," Edward said, his voice a little strained. I suppose this is every playboy's worst nightmare—the girl who won't abort. And he can't even dispose of the evidence, with Rosalie there watching over her. Edward gives me the slightest of suspicious glares. Haha. Sorry, Pretty-Boy, I'm no mind reader, but I know you too well at this point…which says nothing good about me. "Honestly, there will be plenty of time to think about children later. Like, in a thousand years. There will always be plenty of orphans to adopt. So just let Carlisle and his nice coat hanger friend come in and make you all better. And then I can get my blood and sex again."

I just about choke on my bacon. Looks like this is getting to the vamp more than I thought. Usually he's not so transparent about his vices. Not that anyone here is really surprised.

Oops. Except Seth. He's got a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth, looking at Edward with wide eyes. You know, come to think of it, I wonder how he and Edward even met, considering we totally cut him out of _Three Too Many. _Hmm, probably facebook.

"No," Sue says simply, stubbornly, like the kid she is. Except she's older then me. Man. We're all just a bunch of kids. Particularly those kids who've been around for decades. "I need this baby, Edward. Can't you see?" And then her eyes are all huge and sparkly and gag worthy, and I know she's off in Sue lala land.

Her vamp's face is the picture of despair right now, his mouth working soundless, and one hand half stretched out to her, but he knows as well as I that she's probably skipping between unicorns and rainbows right now, and there's just no reaching her. Tough luck, sucker. Blood sucker. You were the one who taught her to be so desperate and needy.

"I did nothing of the sort," he says, finally giving up on looking at her, and instead frowning at me and crossing his arms. "She was cursed to be like this by her genetics. I merely took advantage of the fact."

"Which is so much better," I say, plopping down on the couch in between Leah and Seth. Seth obligingly scoots over for me, while Leah digs her human claws into my side until I move over myself. I'd complain, but I'm just happy that she doesn't do worse.

"So," I say, addressing the vampires sitting next to Sue, "I just threw most of my friends and my home in return for mindship with Leah and her idiot brother, as well as a bunch of smelly vampires and a girl who's been leading me on for the last three years or so, who is now literally dying to have another man's baby. How are things here?"

"Smelly?" Rosalie says, contemptuously. "That would be you, dog. Recall whose house you are in right now. And whose food you are consuming."

Just to be safe, I protect my plate of bacon by putting Leah between it and Rosalie. Seriously, you have no idea how many of my problems it would solve if they killed each other. I almost feel like the two of them have some secret plan that is going to mess my life up. But surely there has to be some limit to paranoia.

Edward, the jerk, looks of and gives me an ironic little smile, that just screams _Are you sure about that? _What's even worse is that he's probably right.

I have a sudden urge to scarf all my bacon, and then run like my life depends on it. And I would do it too, if I wasn't so sure that if they were planning something, they'd drag me back.

"He's back to suicidal thoughts again," Edward says casually. Leah swipes the knife I had used to butter my toast out of my hand—I may have been pointing it at my throat, but that means nothing—and waves it at me.

"Bad dog," she, of all people, says. "No suicide."

"But—"

"No," she says. And then she flips the knife, and buries it in the Cullen's couch.

"Esme isn't going to be happy about that," Rosalie observes.

"He's the motherly looking one, right?" Leah asks. "Not the one who looks like a sparkly mass of steroids?"

"Correct," Leah says.

"Okay, then I'll live," Leah says.

"Hey, um, what are we going to do about the pack?" I say, just now realizing that they were kind of intent on killing Sue and all that. "Should we maybe be like, patrolling or something?"

"Naw," Edward says, "Rosalie found some robots in the basement, and they're out there watching the perimeter. As well as vaporizing the occasional woodland creature who gets too close."

I look over at her, and she's just pretending to be the most innocent of evil undead creatures. Yeah, whatever. I'm pretty sure the Cullens don't even have a basement. She just took the robots from the hideout. The one she bought with Carlisle's money. Which he still doesn't know about.

So lets take a look at where I am right now. I basically just screwed my life over subconsciously for the girl who's staring off into space right now grinning like an idiot. While her husband sits next to her, reading all my thoughts, keeping me from killing either him or myself. And Rosalie and Leah are almost certainly plotting something, which I am almost certainly a part of. There's clearly only one thing left to do.

I shut up and eat my bacon.

* * *

><p><em>Large stretches without any quotation marks. Weird. I hope that all those italics aren't too confusing. And hopefully you're still enjoying a little Jacob perspective.<em>

_ So yeah, the way I've got it planned out (did I just say the P-word? Apocalypse!) it's pretty much double chapters from here on out. Fun for you, work for me! Although, I will admit to having my own fun. _

_ Oh, hey, and a little bit of spoilers here, if my parody can be said to have spoilers, but I'm going to be diverging from the main _breaking dawn _storyline in a pretty significant way soon. The second act will finish in chapter twelve, if that tells you anything. _


	12. Worserer

You know, you'd think that something like betraying my Alpha and my tribe would make a bigger impact in my life. But as the morning wears on, I realize that really isn't the case.

I'm sitting on the couch, watching TV (actually, video games, but I'll get to that) with Rosalie. Which, sadly I'd be doing if everything was still the same. I still don't have Sue, even though she's sitting right next to me on the couch, sleeping, so big surprise there. And, of course, life still hates me, so yup, everything's still the same.

All the bacon's been consumed by now, so things officially suck.

At some point, Leah vanished to go take a shower or something (_About time, _I'd said. She gave me a lovely bruise that's already healed thanks to wolfy regeneration. Point: me), and Edward and Seth started playing video games. They've switched through a couple by this point, but no matter which one they play, Edward is resoundingly terrible. Guess his real age is showing. Ha. I'd go show him up myself, but that would involve getting up, and I'm seriously considering never doing that again. Unless I'm going to go kill myself. Or Edward. A combination of Edward, Leah, and Rosalie have foiled two attempted suicides and three attempted murders so far, and it's been about three hours. Fun fun.

"So," I say, speaking over the beeping of the video games and Edward's cursing. The little midget driver dude has shown up, and is making fun of Edward. Which I approve of. "We gonna talk about the eight hundred pound gorilla in the room?

"Which is what?" Rosalie asks, looking over at me in her own little superior way. "Your smelly feet?"

I wave them around just for the fun of it. They are still kind of dirty from walking around in the forest barefoot, meaning I've been messing up every white surface in the Cullen's house. And there are a lot of them, turns out.

"Cute," I say. "I meant this." I reach out and poke Sue's massive stomach. Which writhes in response. Ew. Freaky mutant spawn.

"That happens to pregnant woman," Rosalie tells me, smiling like she's doing the nice thing and explaining stuff for the slow guy. I throw a pillow at her, but miss and hit Sue. Well, considering I'm probably severely depressed right now, I think my bad aim can be forgiven. Besides, the girl snores right through it. Considering it's like ten o'clock in the morning, she sure can sleep. Maybe it's the _mutant spawn sucking the life out of her_.

I shoot a glance to the side, But Edward is too busy losing to Seth and thus didn't catch that. Bummer.

"I mean, like, how is she doing and stuff?" I ask. "We've mentioned already that it's killing her, but aside from that fact that it clearly takes after the father, how is it doing that?"

"Hmm, well, it's kind of beating the crap out of Sue from inside," Rosalie says, placing a hand on her chin as she lists this off, "under the blanket, she looks worse than she normally does after Edward gets through with her. She also can't seem to get any food to stay down—" suddenly I feel really guilty for scarfing all that bacon down right in front of her "—and she's not absorbing any nutrients we're giving her. So it's also eating her from the inside, too."

"Oh, well," I say, stalling for time, because what do you really say to something like that? _Oh, splendid_? Yeah, that'd go over well. Someone here would beat the crap out of me, I'm sure. Although the man responsible for all this seems to have greater concerns at the moment.

("Pretty-boy, you're not supposed to jump off the cliff," Liaf says. "Don't make the puppy's job any easier than it is.")

"So, um, how long is that thing going to be in her?" I ask finally, giving it another poke and watching the squirming. Still icky.

"Well, the way things are going, probably about two days," Rosalie says absentmindedly. Which turns out to be a really bad time for me to have taken a drink of my coke. Good thing I manage to spray it all over Edward.

"T-two days?" I sputter, horrorstruck.

"That is what I said," Rosalie says. "Looks like whatever got your brain left your hearing."

"But, isn't that way, way too fast?" I ask.

Rosalie just shrugs. "In case you haven't noticed, time is kind of a fluid concept in this parody. Just try to figure out how the much time has passed since the start of this act."

"When did it become morning?" Edward turns around long enough to ask.

"Exactly," Rosalie smiles. "Besides, what do you care? One way or another, you've lost her."

"Rosalie," Edward says.

"On it." She grabs the knife out of my hand before I can stab her. Effing mind readers with their effing mind reading.

"Is she going to make it until then?" I ask finally.

"Hopefully not," she mutters. I frown for a moment, but when I open my mouth to ask, she smoothly says, "I said, probably not, not like this. But who knows? This is kind of a new thing. We never expected Edward to not kill any of the girls he's slept with."

"What was that?" Sue says, instantly awake. Ninja.

"Nothing dearest," Edward says, as his on-screen character dies. He leaves Seth and Liaf to play, and comes over to sit next to Sue. "We were just worrying about your health."

"Oh, I'll be fine," she says, smiling weakly. This girl. I had to fall in love with this girl. "Just wait until I have him, Edward. Then our lives will be perfect and we'll be happy and everything will be wonderful and cupcakes and fairy dust…" and she's off again, lost in daydreams.

"So provided she makes it," I ask, and it does sound a little cold blooded, even to me. Rosalie. Blaming Rosalie. "What's your game plan for delivery?"

"Well, after we help the thing gnaw its way out of Sue's belly, Edward is going to vamp her," Rosalie answers.

"Oh," I say. "That's the worst plan I've ever heard."

"Got any other plans?" Rosalie asks me.

"Well," I say, "first we kill Edward…"

"With you so far," she replies.

"I'd like to see you try," Edward sneers at us.

"We did," Rosalie says, sparing him a glare. "It didn't work."

"Because I'm awesome," says Edward.

"Or something," Rosalie mutters.

Cute as their little banter is, this is kind of serious business. You'd think Edward would be a little more worried, considering that is his wife sitting there, well, currently spacing out, but also dying. Course, I always knew he didn't actually care about her. Something about a guy who keeps killing his girlfriends doesn't scream loving to me. And yet she picks him, over me, and I guess I love her. Kind of. Or something. But I guess I'm not good enough to love, when there's an orange haired, sparkly creeper to choose instead.

"Rosalie," Edward says.

"On it," she says, and she grabs the knife before I can stab myself.

"What are we up to now?" Leah asks, walking down the steps, and over to the couch.

"That makes four and three now," Rosalie says. Leah sighs.

"My goodness, Jacob," she says, sitting next to me, "you chose all this crap, remember? Shouldn't you be able to deal with it without resorting to murder?"

"But," I can't help but whimper, because really, if you're going to crush my soul, shouldn't I at least get something out of the deal? "Murder solves everything!"

"A man after my own heart," Edward says, grabbing a bottle of blood off of the table. "Got a problem? Just start killing people till it goes away."

"You kids aren't being violent down there, are you?" Esme calls, and I really can't help but roll my eyes. This is such a weird household.

"No, Mom!" Edward calls back.

"Is Sue ready for the coat hanger yet?" Carlisle calls.

"No, Dad," Edward answers with a sigh.

"And I won't be," Sue says, snapping out of her little trance all of the sudden. "This is too important to lose."

"Just for argument's sake," I say, and I'm pleased to report my voice is only a tiny bit sarcastic, "you realize that not only are you going to die because of this, but that little abomination is too? Which makes this whole gesture rather meaningless?"

"Stop being a jerk, Jacob," Sue says, crossing her arms and glaring at me. I just about scream at her. Seriously, did that vampire slam her head into a coral reef a couple times or something before he impregnated her? I swear she wasn't this psycho when I fell in love with her. Although, thinking back on it, we really started hanging out after she had spent like four months as a zombie after the vamp broke off with her. Hmm. Maybe I just thought she was a hot older girl back then.

"Man," I sigh, considering making the numbers four and four. But I think I'm out of knives. I'll have to see if I can get some from Leah—she carries plenty on her person. "Well, how long does she have to live?" I ask the vampires, because somehow they're more reasonable than Sue right now.

Rosalie looks at the clock on the wall. "Probably like three hours."

"Oh," I say. "_What?_" Honestly? Honestly?

"I think he wants to destroy the house now," Edward remarks.

"My baby's just hungry," Sue says defensively. "But he doesn't like food."

Oh, awesome. So it's inherited its mother's brilliance. And its father's tastes. Wonderful.

"Oh my goodness, that's it!" Edward snaps his fingers. "Little bugger just wants some blood!"

"What?" I say, looking at him. Because like this wasn't gross enough already. When did pregnancy and vampire sex become favored topics for teenage literature? I just don't get it.

"Hey, Rosalie, make Sue drink this," Edward says, tossing a bottle of blood at Rosalie. Kinda makes me curious where they keep getting those things. Although I don't think I really want to know.

"Walmart," Edward says.

"What?" I look at him.

"That Walmart parking lot, specifically. It gets really busy on Saturdays," Edward says innocently. Ew. Ew, ew, ew. I almost want a do over. Hey, Sam, take me back? Yeah, that's go well.

"Anyways," Rosalie says, looking at us curiously, "I'll do it, but you have to get me another afterwards, Edward."

"Fine," he says.

"Do I get a choice—ugh!" Sue doesn't even finish saying it before Rosalie tips the whole thing into her mouth. No, dear, you signed your choice away a long time ago. Probably when you chose him over me. At least I'm attractive.

Speaking of attractive, watching Sue drink blood is definitely not. Although this isn't so much Sue drinking blood as Rosalie forcing blood down her throat. Charming. Especially when she licks her lips afterwards.

A bright flash distracts me. I look over to see that obnoxious little vamp has a camera. "Haha, man, you should have seen your face," Edward laughs. "I swear, I've never seen someone looking so disgusted. This is going straight on facebook."

"You realize you'd have to get facebook friends for that to mean anything, right?" Rosalie says, tossing the empty bottle of blood on the floor. A robot quickly scuttles over and picks it up before any red can get on their perfect white carpet. I swear one of those buggers has even vacuumed up all the dirt I tracked in. Which means I need to go track more in. "Besides, you might want to look at the face the wolf is making right now."

"What?" he says, looking over at me. I might be just a tad annoyed at him. Just a tad. "Rosalie?" he asks in a whimper.

"I think I'll let you get this one on your own," she says, with a little angelic smile. If the devil can be angelic.

Course, we're focusing on the important things right now. Specifically murder. It's about this point that I realize I can turn into a giant wolf, and therefore don't even need to steal any of Leah's knives.

"No dogs in the house," Rosalie says, still smirking as I transform in mid lunge, hitting Edward. And I swear, I'm seconds away from having sparkly jugular in my mouth, when Sue breaks a rib, and suddenly everyone's focused on her. And by everyone's focused on her, I mean Edward and Rosalie give her curious looks as she winces in pain.

"Please, Edward, Jacob, don't fight over me," she pants, and it's such a pathetic sight that I feel that cursed conscience acting up again. "I just love you both so much."

Which is a load of crap, and I would kill her if I didn't want to risk getting charged with a double homicide. But honestly, how can she do this? Doesn't she realize what a complete and total sadist she's being? She's trying to have everything both ways, and if there's any justice in the world, she'll get torn in half because of it.

"Or we'll get a crappy deus ex machina and everything will work out in the end," Edward says to me. "Now would you please get your paws off my throat?" I'm really tempted to say no, because certain chances are too good to pass up, but I'm pretty sure if I stay in wolf form any longer, Leah will shift too, and I really don't feel like dealing with her thoughts right now. So I shift back.

Leah spares me a sidelong glance before returning her focus to the TV. Liaf and Seth actually make a decent match-up, it seems. "Looks like you're forgetting something, Alpha," she says.

Rosalie gives me her usually contemptuous glance. "Don't flatter yourself, dog," she says.

Sue looks like her broken rib has just entered her lung.

"Well, I still got the girl," Edward mutters, looking away and climbing to his feet.

Esme walks down the stairs, "Is everything okay here? I thought I heard—" he stops dead, looking at the sight before him. "What is going on down here?"

"Jacob just tried to kill Edward," Rosalie says. "Nothing else."

"Oh, alright," Esme sighs in relief. "Well, I'll just go see about getting Jacob some pants."

And he bustles off. I shrug and sit down on the couch. This seems to disgust Rosalie more than anything. Looks like I've successfully claimed my spot on the couch.

"Oh yeah," Rosalie calls, "you might want to get some pain killers for Sue too."

The girl does look like she's about ready to pass out. Apparently broken ribs aren't fun.

So pants and pain killers later, I'm back to being bored. "Did that blood actually do anything for Sue?" I ask.

"Oh, certainly," Rosalie says, arching an eyebrow at me in surprise. "It gave the baby enough strength to begin breaking Sue's bones."

"I hope you know how much this whole thing sucks," I say, crossing my arms.

"Oh is that what you think?" Rosalie says sarcastically. "I thought all those suicide attempts were for fun."

"Did someone say fun!" Alice says, the freaky little thing, appearing in the middle of the room. Well, that's new.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who jumps. Sue screams in pain a moment afterwards. Sharp movements—bad.

"Why do you keep doing this, Alice?" Rosalie sighs in exasperation.

"Because it's fun!" Alice chirps. "I'm still not as good as Jasper, though," she says.

"Where is Jasper?" Edward asks. Alice points over to me.

"Wha—" I begin to say, and then I notice the creepy silent vamp is sitting _between _me and Leah. He looks at me curiously as I let out a higher shriek than Sue's. I'm pretty sure Leah stabs him with one of her knives out of reflex. He pulls out a bottle of blood and slurps slowly at it, watching us the whole time with those creepy unblinking red eyes. Leah looks like she can't decide whether she should tear his head off right then and there, or just pretend that she knew he was there the whole time.

"See," Alice says, nodding seriously. "I hope I can have his skills one day."

I swear, the whole Cullen clan is cuckoo, but this pair is probably the scariest of them all.

Rosalie sighs and puts a palm to her face. "What do you want, Alice?"

"Pizza!" Alice says smiling brightly. "But no, I totally just want to hang out with Jacob."

"What?" I say.

"Popular, aren't you, Alpha?" Leah says. Interestingly enough, she's looking at the same thing I am—the knife Jasper just pulled out of his side. That's probably worrying.

"Cause he makes my head feel all better because he's really similar to that creepy thing in Sue's belly!" says Alice. I take a moment to be sure I've heard things right.

"Leah, you might want to put your knife away," Edward says. Stupid little mind reading traitor. I thought your rivals killing themselves was a good thing. "Not when I'm having this much fun reveling in my victory," Edward says to me.

Rosalie obviously missed my part of the exchange, but she seems to get the gist from Edward's comment. "Why don't you revel in your victory after this pregnancy kills your wife? Or are you waiting until you're a father?"

"Yeah, well why don't you just—oh, hey look, someone commented on Jacob's picture on facebook!" Edward says. Where did he get that laptop from? More importantly, when the hell did that sparkly bugger upload that picture? He better hope Leah hid her knife well. "Ooo," Edward says, sucking his breath in. "It's Sam."

"Oh, awesome," I say, because of course it would be Sam. It's not enough to be sitting in the living room of my archenemy while he uploads embarrassing pictures of me on facebook. No, Sam has to then see said pictures and know what a fabulous time I'm having at the vampire's place.

"It says, 'wow, Jacob, looks like you're having a lot of fun being Edward's pet,'" Edward reads, and I'm really tempted to tear his smug head off. If I didn't know how well that would go over. "'I hope you and the other traitors are having a great time being all chummy with the glittery undead freaks. Don't worry about things here—Paul's making sure none of your food is going to waste. By eating it all. And I hear he and your sister are totally making out on your bed. Your dad's been devastated without you—you won't believe how much he has to say to you when you get back. I'm sure it will be rather… strong. Thanks for taking Leah with you—the rest of us miss her _so _much, but we're dealing just fine. And you two make such a cute pair. Well, have fun! Also, make sure Seth doesn't die. Or sleep with a vampire. Love, Sam.'" Edward looks up at Leah and I (and also Jasper, who's still sitting in the middle of our couch, staring at a wall). "Interesting guy, your old Alpha."

"If you say anything, I'll—" Leah promises.

"I know, I can see it in your head," Edward says quickly. "No need to restate things. Would you like to say anything back to him?"

Leah tells him what to say. She uses some pretty impressive language.

"Right-o," Edward says. "But I am crediting all that to you. I'd rather not give them more of a reason to kill me." He types it in with a shower of quick clicks, and posts it. "So, what now?"

"Pizza?" Alice asks.

"You can get one if you want," says Rosalie, "but I'm not sure why you'd want to. You haven't had a working digestive system, well, as long as you can remember. You'll just choke on it."

"No," Alice says, skipping over and grabbing Rosalie's wrist. I think that's the first time I've ever seen anyone touch Rosalie. "We're going to go make pizza!"

"Oh dear," Rosalie says, as Alice drags her into the kitchen. Jasper gets up and herds Edward, Seth, and Liaf after her.

"Hey, that's my brother, vampire," Leah says, chasing after them.

I'm kinda tempted to go follow, just because I'm sure this is going to end badly, but Rosalie sticks her head out, glares at me, and says "watch Sue," before a small hand that I suspect belongs to Alice reaches out and drags her back in. So I'm left sitting alone there with Sue. Which is a situation I would normally take advantage of, except she's pregnant and dying, so that just makes this whole thing really awkward.

"I'm sorry for all this," Sue says suddenly, biting her lip and looking at me. Honestly, the girl is such a user. I should have gotten out ages ago. I shouldn't have played his games, I shouldn't have let her mess with me… I should have saved a knife…

"For what?" I ask, flopping back down on the couch. It's about eleven now—a little early to try and go to sleep. Maybe there are some sleeping pills around here. Like, two days worth or something.

"Well, it's because of me that you got kicked out of the pack, right?" Sue says.

I just about laugh. "Of all things, that's what you apologize for?"

"What do you want me to be sorry about?" she says, looking startled.

"How about, 'gee, sorry, Jacob, I'm sorry I've been leading you on this time. I'm sorry for _ruining your whole life_.'"

Sue frowns at me. "That's not how this is supposed to go. You're supposed to be all nice and forgiving and stuff."

"Man up," I say, which has got to be the worst line ever to say at this point in time, but I kinda don't care.

"You're supposed to be part of my life," she says earnestly, missing the cue to _shut up, for the love of god, shut up_. "I can feel it. You're part of my family."

"Maybe you can help me," I say. "Grab a sharp object near you, and plunge it into my heart. Oh, wait, you're _doing it right now._"

"Just wait until I have this baby," she says, ignoring me like always. "Then everything will be perfect."

Yeah. We'll see how that goes.

* * *

><p><em>Look, it's Jacob acting like a masochist! But really, he probably shoulda bailed ages ago. <em>


	13. Things Unforeseen

"You know," Edward says, "We can still abort the thing. You know, while you still have some bones that aren't powder?"

"Stop being a meanie, Edward!" Sue says. Rosalie holds out a bottle of blood for her to drink from, since she has too many powderized bones to do it herself. The second day is starting off with a bang.

Kinda literally.

Sue's spent the last two days steadily having her bones broken, and also drinking her weight in blood. My pack—nope, never going to get used to that—has spent the time doing absolutely nothing productive and eating our weight in bacon. Edward has spent the time alternatively panicking and trying to persuade Sue to let Carlisle and his nice coat hanger do their magic. However, today's the big day, and I think it's a little late at this point.

"So have you thought of a name?" Rosalie asks. It is kind of an important question, considering they're going ahead with the operation as soon as Carlisle, Esme and the rest return from a little hunting expedition. I don't know the details behind that, and don't ask because I'm trying very hard not to think about them.

"Well, if it's a boy, I'm going with Edward," Sue says, which is the most original and awesome name ever, "and if it's a girl, I'm going with jrhgbafhgnajkifbng;JIABNGJIgbalnbh."

"Say that again?" says Edward, looking just a little distressed that he is not a part of the naming process.

"Renesmee," Sue says.

"Okay, that's what I thought," Edward said. "What the hell is that supposed to be?"

"It's the names of both our mothers smashed together," Sue says, sounding offended. No one says anything, because we really don't need to make fun of a name like that. It takes care of itself.

We sit there quietly for a moment. Sue sips at the blood. She delicately takes it from Rosalie, apparently confident in her own abilities. And of course, she drops it, right on the white sofa. Stainriffic.

"Oh dear I have dropped my cup o'blood," Sue says. "Just let me pick it up…"

I have a bad feeling about this.

And of course, Sue can't even manage to safely pick up a dropped object without killing herself. There's a loud crack from her body. "Oooo," Rosalie says, wincing in an odd mix of horror and _did you just see that?_ "That sounded like the spine." And then Sue topples sideways, slamming into the coffee table and then falling the floor, cracks accompanying every movement. "And that would be the arms and legs," Rosalie concludes.

"Wow," Leah says, "looks like it got every bone in her body, minus her neck and skull."

A sudden spasm from within her stomach rocks Sue, sending her head slamming into the base of the couch. And of course, cracks issue forth.

"Nevermind," Leah says.

Edward crouches down next to Sue. "Would this be the wrong moment say, 'I told you so?'"

A fountain of blood erupts from Sue's mouth, all over Edward. People should never ask questions if they're not ready for the answer. He gets the brunt of it, but some stains the carpet, and I can't help but think that Esme is not going to be happy.

"So," I say, looking down at Sue, her limbs all askew, sitting in a pool of blood. Sounds like a nursery rhyme gone wrong. "What do we do now?"

A tiny hand suddenly tears it's way out of Sue's stomach. I feel like I have failed to take my own advice about asking questions.

"I think the baby's here," Rosalie says as I find a nice quiet corner to lose my lunch in. "Let's cut her the rest of the way out of there." When I look back, she has a scalpel in her hands. I feel like this is a very, very bad thing.

"Everyone prepare yourselves," says Edward, "This is going to get very, very icky and messy." Oh god, worse than this? I suppose this does kind of provide a nice little explanation of why you should have sex like Sue and Edward did, but for the love of god, there are _children_ reading this.

"Stop right there," a voice says, and the door to the Cullen house flies open. Bright, brilliant sunlight streams through, momentarily blinding me. I squint through the light, looking to see who has come to save us.

"Oh god it's the Volturi Guys," Edward groans. Hello hope. Goodbye, hope.

"Prepare for trouble," says the more serious looking one.

"And make it double," says the other.

"To expound the evils of procreation."

"To protect the ratings from molestation."

"To censor all characters making love!"

"And curtail excess violence on orders from above!"

"Volturi Guy A."

"Volturi Guy B."

"The Fanfiction Police are here to set things right!"

"Stop this now or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth that's right!"

Volturi guy A turns and looks at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Shouldn't you say something other than 'Meowth?'"

"Like, 'Ghost of Tyler Crowley that's right?'" says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Yeah, that's real catchy."

All of us just stare at the Volturi Guys (and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, who shows his usual ability for showing up where no one wants). And then Sue gives a kind of choked gurgle, and we remember there's a dying pregnant girl on the floor. One of those things we should probably take care of.

"So, Rosalie, you want to pass me that scalpel?" Edward says, kneeling next to Sue's battered body.

"No way," Rosalie says, taking Sue's other side. "I want to do the cutting!"

"Woah, woah, woah there, not so fast," says Volturi Guy A, stepping into the room, the other two trailing behind him. They've got uniforms and everything now, with the letters FFP on the front—even the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. I'm vaguely impressed, but mostly I'm still in shock and huddling in a miserable pile in the corner as Sue bleeds out. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Not letting his wife die?" Rosalie says, raising an eyebrow at them. Oh good, they're even confusing Rosalie.

"Would you guys go away already?" Edward says, not looking up as he points out where Rosalie should cut. "Sue and I haven't had sex since you and your stupid consequences interfered, and we're kind of busy right now."

"Oh ho ho, but you forget, my friend," says Volturi Guy B. No one really appreciates his lightheartedness (not even his partner, judging from the look on his face), but that doesn't seem to stop him. "Sex isn't the only way to earn an M rating."

Edward looks up. "What do you mean? All those M rated fanfictions are just lemons. Unless—you can't mean!"

"Yes," says Volturi Guy B, smiling, "For excessive violence, you have just earned yourselves an M rating!"

"But we're just going off of the script!" Edward shouts. "You can't do this!"

"Oh god, the pain," Sue groans weakly. "Dying…"

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have been parodying something that sounds like an M-rated fanfiction, yeah?" Volturi Guy A says. "Now then, we'll just be on our way, enjoy your new category—"

And then all of the sudden, splashes of water nail both right on their heads. I don't need to hear the sizzling to know that some vampire faces are getting dissolved, and as fun as that is, I'm not really in the mood for it right now. And so I look away, and see Leah emerging from behind the couch, a huge squirt gun in her hands. Holy water.

"I don't think so," Leah says, flicking a stray bead of water off her gun.

"Excellent shooting," Rosalie says. "Though I do feel some what inclined to mention that you just killed two police officers, and this will probably have consequences."

"Man," says the Ghost of Tyler mournfully, "you just killed my partners. This is the worst first mission ever. I see you've found equally violent friends, Rosalie."

"And you're still annoying as ever, ghost," Rosalie says, not looking up from where she and Edward still working on Sue. "We need to get her up to the medical room, Edward."

"On it," he says, tossing Sue over his shoulder and blurring up the stairs. I suppose the time for being gentle is kind of past at this point. Rosalie spares one last glare for the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, and then follows after.

"So she still hasn't changed, huh," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighs. "I wonder if she understands that if she kills everyone, she'll only be alone? Well, it's not like she'd listen to me." He turns his baleful eyes on me. "Hello, Jacob, how are you? I haven't seen you in ages."

"I, uh, have to go, bye," I say, and then take up after Edward and Rosalie. Because talking to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley is never fun under any circumstances, and right now the girl I love is probably dying with only Rosalie and Edward to keep her company. And no matter how much pain she's caused me, I can't leave her with that.

But in the hall, I find Rosalie running past, a blanket wrapped bundle in her arms. I skid to a stop, but she doesn't slow. "The baby," she says by way of an explanation, shrugging slightly, and the bundle in her arms shifts.

"Sue?" I ask.

"Back there." And then Rosalie is gone. And that's totally not worrying at all. I resuming charging down the hallway to find Sue in a bad way.

Well, yeah, she was kind of in a bad way before—for that matter, she's been in a bad way ever since she met Edward. But this… I'd describe how she looked, but I'd rather the Fanfiction police didn't send reinforcements.

I look at the vampire, wondering how the heck he intends to fix this, but then he goes and bends over Sue and, for all intents in purposes, begins slobbering all over her. And this day has officially been filled with way too many disgusting things.

It takes me longer than it should to realize that's his venom he's injecting into her.

"Wait, dude, aren't you nonvenomous?" I ask, after a minute of making really disgusting faces.

"I've been taking vitamins," he says. "Correcting some chemical imbalances or something, according to Carlisle. Or you can just call it a plot hole. One of the two."

"M'kay… oh, holy crap," I say, realizing something all of the sudden.

"Yeah, whatever, we've got enough plot holes to be swiss cheese at this point but—" Edward says in between bites.

"She's dead," I say, cutting him off.

He gives me a funny look. "You okay, dude? She's still got a pulse and everything."

"She's dead," I repeat. "The super awesome magical force of destiny keeping me bound to her is gone. She _must _be dead."

"Seriously, you didn't take any pills laying around this place, did you? Cause Alice sometimes has some funny stuff laying around. Sue's going to be fine," Edward says, making the last of his bites and stepping away from Sue. But he's wrong! I know it.

"She's dead!" I scream, running out of the room. I hear him making cuckoo noises from behind me, but I put it out of my mind. Kind of dealing with the end of my world here.

But suddenly, I remember that all is not lost. Sue may be dead, but the script mentions another.

Right, Rosalie took the baby. Awesome. So I get to go find the blondie, and then separate her from the child. Forcibly, hopefully. Yeah, yeah, Rosalie and I are allies or whatever or friends or something, but that doesn't mean I would mind getting a few good hits in on her.

I run down the stairs, into the Cullen's living room. The windows are closed, and so the usually sparkling white room is dark. The only light here comes from a few flickering candles, since the residents of this place can see in the dark as a general rule. And Rosalie's sitting there, on the couch. She looks up as I enter, and nods once slowly.

"Alright," I say. "It's imprinting time. Bring me the child."

"Stop acting like an idiot," Rosalie says. And then I notice her hands are empty.

"Where is the thing?" I ask. I don't even try to say the name, because as much as I love Sue—loved? Frick—her naming skills leave a tremendous amount to be desired.

"The baby is gone, Jacob," says Leah. And if that isn't enough to set all the alarms screaming, I don't know what is. Rosalie and Leah in the same room have the effect, in general.

"Gone?" I say slowly, imagining possible scenarios. Left in the woods? Abandoned in an empty church? Given to _Alice_?

"I ate it," Rosalie says, without preamble.

Okay, there are certain things for which there are no replies. That statement would be one of them. So instead, I settle for making incoherent gasping noises.

"Seriously, I don't understand how none of you saw this coming," Rosalie says, entirely too composed for having a severely depressed and rage filled teenage werewolf standing not three feet away from her, shaking with the backlash of the last few hours. "I've made it clear from the very start that my one true calling is _eating babies. _And so what did I do? I _ate the baby._"

"And the future is much better for it, I'm pleased to say," says Alice, stepping out of the shadows like the murderer of a horror film, except worse, and it's a mark of how much of a toll these last few hours have taken on my mind and also probably my soul that I don't even react.

"Where are you going, Jacob?" Leah asks softly. My hand pauses in front of the Cullen's huge rack of car keys.

It's a good question. But it looks like there aren't any answers anymore.

I grab a set of keys at random and go.

* * *

><p>So the Cullens have a whole lot of fancy cars, and the one I get is really fancy and stuff and it's super rare and no one really cares except car enthusiasts, which I certainly am not right now, but it goes really fast and that's enough.<p>

So typically a plan would be a good thing to have in such a situation, but all my plans have kind of been foiled at this point. Okay, you think I would have learned by now that I just don't get happy endings. I don't get _happiness. _That only happens for sparkly white people who are detached enough from reality to be considered schizophrenic. No offense to the schizophrenics. Because I'll always be just a little too late, and all the awesome in the world can't fix that.

But there's still that little voice, the one saying, _no one's life could be this pathetic, Jacob. The vampires can't have drained you of everything_. Maybe it's hope, maybe it's just the set up for another tragedy. Whatever. So my overworked brain sputters a little, and transforms the message into, _go find some random girl in the park to imprint on._ And yeah, that might result in a little looking like a creeper on my part, but being a creeper got Edward the girl, so what the hell? Apparently chicks dig that now.

I slow down a little once I'm in the city, because I don't think I can pretend to be Edward well enough to pin murder charges on him if I kill a pedestrian. Though I'm in the kind of mood where swerving into the curb to see if the people there are fast enough to outrun my car sounds fun, halfhearted knowledge that I'd probably regret it later limits me to making a few illegal turns and driving the wrong way on one-way streets. Eventually, I find a park, and commence operation desperation.

I wander around for a bit, hide in some bushes, fun stuff like that, and I notice plenty of girls. It's late afternoon, a lovely little sunny day that gives me vindictive pleasure because I can go outside and the vamps_ can't_. I get an interesting range of stares, from interested (because, despite everything, I'm still _gorgeous_) to afraid (because I'm gorgeous, but like seven feet tall, and probably look like a wreck, since I've been forced to play slumber party at the vampire's place for the last few days and also I've just lost the two loves of my life within the span of three minutes). And a couple of their boyfriends look like they aren't too happy that their girlfriends are on the receiving end of a dark, smoldering gaze from me, but none of them press the issue. Tragedy. I'm still looking for a good fight.

"Interesting," says a voice from behind me as I'm heading back to the car, having given up on this place. I just about fling a knife at the voice's owner, but then I remember that outside of the little psycho world I'm now a part of, people don't greet each other that way. I turn around, instead, to see some random girl standing there. She's kind of a Sue, which reminds me of Mary Sue. "I thought you'd have a white van," she continues saying, "but instead you have this random fancy car. Are you a rapist?"

"Not yet," I say, staring deep into her eyes. But I don't feel any cosmic wolfy attraction drawing me to her. This is a bust.

"Hey, so you notice how we're completely compatible and this is the perfect set up for a romance that will shake the earth?" she says. "You wanna marry me?"

"Oh, would you shut up already?" Leah says, chopping the girl on the back of the neck. Her eyes roll into the back of her head and she slumps bonelessly to the ground. Leah kicks her out of the way. "In case you haven't noticed, the theme of this book is that you can only fall in love if it's your destiny. And he certainly _isn't_ your destiny."

"Leah?" I say, more than a little surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Guess," she says dryly. "I was hiding in the back seat. Observance fail on your part. There were a couple of times I was close to screaming, though. You're one of the more interesting drivers I've met, I must say."

"Don't I get a little slack, considering the circumstances?" I say. It really had to be Leah? On the scale of people I'd like to deal with right now, she'd probably be… well, right there with everyone else. But still.

"No," she says. Of course. "You know better than to ask for mercy from me, Jacob. Now tell me what you're doing here."

Well, no matter what I say, I'm going to sound stupid. So might as well go for the whole stupid truth. "Trying to find a girl to imprint on," I say.

She looks at me for a long moment, the look on her face saying that it is exactly as stupid of an idea as I thought it was. Well. "And you think you have to imprint to find love, do you?"

"Well, Quil and his two year old are pretty happy, yeah?" I say. "Why not give it a shot myself? Besides, it's kind of my destiny and also what the script says for me."

She scoffs, puts her hands on her hips. "Look at you, Alpha. Broken up because you couldn't get the girl the script dictated for you. Well, I'll tell you this, boy," still glaring, she walks up to me, and I'd make a break for it if I wasn't so sure that would be worse. "Love comes from here," she pokes me once on my forehead, "and here," this time she jabs me, _hard_, on the shirtless chest, "_not _from some mystical wolfy power. Could you really accept love based on that? Could you really respect a girl who would take that?"

She glares up, toe to toe with me. "And I'll tell you this, Jacob Black. You've spent this whole time following the script, haven't you? Chasing after Sue, waiting to fall for her little abomination despite any views you might have to the contrary, and now coming here, trying to do the same thing all over again. And where has that gotten you? Alone, miserable, ogling every random Mary Sue in the park, and then rejecting the only one to talk to you."

"So?" I say, ready to push her away and drive to another park. I'm still looking for _my_ Mary Sue. "What do you want me to do about it? We have a script to follow, and I'm following it. What else can we do?"

And then Leah, of all things, smiles. I can't help but shiver a little. "In case you haven't noticed, Jacob Black, we're not following the script anymore. Things have changed. It's time for you to decide what it is that you really want."

"What do you mean?" I ask. Looks like I'm not the only crazy one now. "The script—"

And then, of all things, she tears my copy of the script out of my hands. She throws it to the side, and then pulls a lighter out of her pocket. A flick of her finger starts the fire up, and then she tosses it onto the script. Before my eyes (as well as a lot of curious park patrons) the pages flare with flames, and my script burns to ashes.

Leah's face glows with the firelight, and her smile is evil and pleased. "Doesn't matter anymore. It's time for the world to change. And we're going to be the ones to change it."

"But—" I begin to say.

She shakes her head. "You never shut up, do you?"

Turns out Leah's really good at shutting people up. By kissing them.

* * *

><p><em>And here ends Act II. :D<em>

_(Also, don't worry. I suck at writing romance, so there won't be any besides this._)_  
><em>


	14. Birthday Bonus: Celebrations

_Yes, it's that time of year again—when I celebrate my birthday by giving you a bonus chapter! Muahahaha! It's just a little thing this year, since I'm working on various other writing projects right now, and also was in that terrible place of zero inspiration, but it kinda fills in what would otherwise be something of a gap in the main parody storyline—what everyone else is doing while Sue is angsting about the terrible amount of pain she's going through due to the vampire transformation. So yeah, enjoy!_

* * *

><p>"You know," Esme says with a sigh, "it's just such a shame that we have all these decorations for little Renesmee's birthday, and now no baby to use them for."<p>

"I'm just mad that we went through all that trouble to get a cake that said 'welcome Renesmee'—special order, of course—and now I feel like a complete jerk eating it!" Carlisle says through a mouthful of cake, from his position seated beside Esme on the couch in the Cullen living room.

"I don't even understand why you're eating that crap," Edward observes, sitting on the floor in front of the TV, playing video games with Liaf.

"I don't see any reason not to," Carlisle says, making a valiant effort to swallow the cake, which is highly resisted by his vampire digestive system.

"And they misspelled 'Renesmee' on the cake anyways," Emmett comments, looking at the remains of the cake resting on the coffee table.

"What?" Carlisle demands, springing up to look at the cake box. "Those sons of—do you know how many times I had to spell that stupid thing out for them? And they still got it wrong?" Esme winces delicately at the cake crumbs flying everywhere.

"Chill out, bro," Edward says. "With a name like that, the kid's just asking to be bullied. Probably for the best that Rosalie went and took care of matters before the thing grew up traumatized."

The gathered members of the Cullens who have the sense to look scandalized (basically just Esme) do. "Should you really be saying stuff like that, bro?" Emmett finally says tentatively. "Cause you know, that was kinda your daughter too that Rosalie nomed on."

"Meh, I made my feelings pretty clear from that start," Edward says with a shrug, not taking his eyes off the video game (that he was losing). "And seriously, I don't know why any of you are expecting me to have a conscience _now, _of all times. The only thing I've ever shown any regard for is myself, and occasionally Sue, as a source of blood and recently other things."

"What a wonderful son we have," Carlisle says with a shake of his head before scooping himself up another handful of cake.

"But that still doesn't solve the problem of what we are going to do with all these decorations," Esme says, frowning at the pile of brightly colored paper and plastic in the corner. Because decorations, of course, were more important than his son's apathy towards the murder and consumption of his first child. By his sister. "I can't even make Rosalie take care of them, since she's off at that hideout of hers." Some held to the opinion that she had fled there to avoid Edward's potential wrath. Majority opinion, however, was that she was probably having a party to celebrate.

"I know what we can do!" Alice says cheerfully, appearing from behind the couch. A silent groan echoed around the room.

"Well, Alice dear, you know I appreciate your help, but—" Esme begins carefully, only to be cut off by Alice's chirp.

"Know what today is?"

"Renesmee's death day?" Edward suggests.

Liaf gives him a side look, before pressing a few quick buttons and winning their game. "Pretty-boy, you get anymore callous about this, and you might as well be telling dead baby jokes."

"It's Sue's birthday!" Alice says excitedly. Emmett blinks. Carlisle shrugs, and then goes back to choking on cake.

"Well, that's all good and well, Alice dear, but Sue right now is really in no state to be doing much of anything," Esme says gently.

"Although you're welcome to go put a party hat on her, and watch her face fixing itself," Edward suggests, glaring at Liaf and starting up a new game. Only, this is an opportunity for Alice to have a party, and really, they should all stop underestimating her.

"No!" Alice says, stamping her foot down. "We are having a party! Look, Jasper's already setting up decorations!" Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett all swivel to see that the back wall of their house has somehow been decorated with streamers. Jasper is sitting in the corner, wearing a party hat and a vacant look.

"You realize half these decorations say, 'welcome, baby,' right, Alice?" Esme says, a little dismayed. Alice holds out a permanent marker and grins. It' a rather chilling sight.

"I'm also in the process of consuming the cake right now," Carlisle says, a fact emphasized by the frosting smeared all around his face (more, probably, than actually made it into his mouth.)

"I'll go make another one!" Alice says, happily, unaware of all the horrified stares her statement is (rightfully) receiving. Only, all of the sudden, Rosalie is there, grabbing the back of Alice's shirt before she can quite make it into the kitchen.

"Not so fast, sister," Rosalie says. "Why don't you let me take care of it?"

"Okay!" Alice says. "Jasper and I have to go wrap everything in massive amounts of streamers anyways!" And then Alice and Jasper disappear, and no one really knows how or to where, but there are just some things that the Cullens have learned not to ask about, and Alice and Jasper are one of those. They just hope it isn't their room that ends up trashed whenever the duo reappears.

"Rosalie," Esme says before the blond haired vampire can disappear into the kitchen. Rosalie sighs, and looks back at Esme.

"I know, I know. We'll talk later. However, the cake for my dear sister's birthday must come first," Rosalie says, and yes, her red eyes certainly are not apologetic. "Oh, hey, Edward—catch."

Edward's hand snaps out to catch the bottle of blood before it can hit the ground. He looks at her questioningly.

"AB positive," Rosalie says. "Your favorite. Share some with Sue—it's about as much of an apology as you're going to get."

"Sweet!" Edward says, popping the cap off the bottle. "Yeah, we're cool."

And then Rosalie smiles—and it almost doesn't look like something that would kill a puppy—and then disappears into the kitchen.

Esme sighs. "It seems we're having a birthday party after all. I suppose we'll just have to take pictures to show Sue once she wakes up and then stops angsting over the death of her precious child. Maybe it's just as well. She's never shown any inclination towards appreciating Alice's _efforts, _and she couldn't eat the cake anyways." Esme spared a raised eyebrow for the cake on Carlisle's face, only to be met with a defiant stare in return. He sighs and shakes his head. "Maybe I'll go buy Sue some really expensive shoes or something. That always cheers girls up, right?" Esme bustles out of the room right as Leah enters, Jacob in tow. Leah shakes her head at Esme as the door swings closed behind him.

"He's sure lucky that Rosalie didn't hear that," Leah says.

"It seems you were able to find Jacob," Carlisle says, looking over at her. "Which means I win the bet. Edward had been so sure that he wouldn't be coming back. Like, alive."

Edward swears as he loses the game—again. And maybe because he just lost the bet too. He tosses the controller down, and then looks over at the two werewolves. "I swear, from what I saw in your thoughts when you left, there was no way you were coming back—woah." Edward's eyes go wide as he picks up the current direction of Jacob's and Leah's thoughts. "You two _got together?_"

"What?" says just about everyone. Rosalie sticks her head out of the kitchen to give Leah a thumbs up before returning to her business of making cake.

"Yeah, yeah, crap happened, we deviated from the script, the world's going to end, blah blah blah," Leah says, rolling her eyes. "It's really not that exciting. We were just came over to see how things are going over here."

"Did you explain to him how Sue's not dead?" Edward asks, gesturing at Jacob.

"No," Leah says, rolling her eyes. "I told him we were coming back here for a funeral. Of course I explained, you idiot."

"Right, right, geez," Edward says, raising his hands in front of him. "Crazy wolf girl. So yeah, here's how things are. Sue's not dead, but she sure wishes she was, and the rest of us are just kinda sitting around waiting for her to wake up. It should be like two days, so if you want to go talk to the rest of the crazy wolf pack and tell them to chill out, the crisis is over, there's time. Oh, and Alice is throwing a party for Sue's birthday, using Renesmee's leftover decorations."

"Ah," Leah says, nodding. "That explains the pastel pink streamers covering the trees around the three mile driveway to your house."

"Yes," Edward says, covering his face with a hand. "Yes it does. Rosalie's making a cake for Sue, so if you guys want to stick around, you can probably eat that. Carlisle probably will have cake closing off his throat by that point, so there won't be anyone else to eat it." Carlisle glares at him, not being able to talk due to the cake still lodged in his throat.

"Works for me," Jacob says, he and Leah taking seats on the couch as Liaf switches the TV over to discovery channel. "So, you're really just sitting around waiting for Sue to wake up?"

"Yup," Edward says.

"Have you given any thought to how you're going to break the news to her?" Jacob asks.

"Nope," Edward says.

"I'm sure it will be interesting," Jacob says.

"Indeed," Edward says.

"Would that happen to be Alice hanging from a tangle of streamers outside the window?" Leah asks.

"Probably," Edwards says.

"Oh," Leah says. They all return to watching the TV in silence, while Carlisle quietly chokes on the misspelled Renesmee cake.

And that is how Sue's nineteenth birthday, and also first vampire birthday, passes.


	15. In Which There Is No Time For A Breather

INTERLUDE: SECRETS OF SPORKS

* * *

><p>And so one story has founds its ending. But at the same time Jacob and Leah are encountering each other in the park, another story is just beginning.<p>

Early vampire life is not finding Sue a happy camper. Turns out the super-duper painful vampire transformation is really unpleasant and stuff, and while she really wants to take a whole chapter describing _just_ how painful it is and generally angsting, let's just say it was really, really painful, and might make any of you out there think twice about wanting to be vamped yourself.

But after lying there wanting to kill herself for an indeterminate amount of time (now she understands how Jacob must have felt) she begins to be able to count Edward's breaths—at least, she thinks it's Edward. She can't imagine who else would have the patience to sit next to her for all this time. Plus, the slurping noises she imagines are coming from a bendy straw stuck in a bottle of blood remind her of Edward.

At the same time, she notices signs that suggest her senses are becoming super awesome vampire senses. Because vampires, in general are just _better_. Which is a great lesson to be giving to the mostly human readership.

And then finally, the morphine (which really didn't do anything except make Sue a little high and also paralyzed) begins to wear off, and Sue knows the end is near. She can see it already, knows that her beautiful, perfect life is just a few breaths away. It gives her the strength not to cry out. Because Edward worrying is a great concern. Apparently.

All of the sudden, Sue feels her heartbeat speed up, and the pain rush to the center of her body. From the several soft intakes of breath come from around her, Sue gathers that other members of her new family are there to watch the show.

"Remember," Edward mutters, "let me break the news to her. You know her slight tendencies towards overreaction."

"Slight?" sniffles Rosalie. A small hiss comes from Edward. But Sue's kind of distracted by the pain and the heartbeat stopping and everything.

And then, with one great, shuddering gasp, Sue feels her heart beat its last. It is all over now, she knows. Time for her to awake, awake to her perfect beautiful world.

She opens her eyes slowly, aware that all the time in the world is hers now.

"Guess what!" Alice shouts, smiling. "Rosalie ate your baby!"

And then all of the sudden everyone is running from the room, Alice and Jasper being dragged along, and Sue is left alone there with Edward, who can't seem to decide whether he is consumed by rage or horror.

"Um," he says, voice pitched for negotiating a mine field. "Please don't overreact to this…"

And the fairytale is over.

* * *

><p>"Waaaaaah!" Sue bawls, sitting on the couch in the Cullen's living room. "This isn't fair! My baby! My little Renesmee! What about the <em>dreams<em>? We were supposed to be so happy!"

"Funny what that chick can do, without even being able to cry," Liaf whispers to the rest of the Cullen family, who are clustered around the other couch, a nice safe distance away from Sue.

"Seriously, she's been sobbing for two days now," Rosalie says, any empathy she had drawn from her deep reserves of compassion quite gone. Luckily she had plenty of wells of annoyance to draw on. "Is she ever going to stop?"

"You did eat her child, dear," Esme says, with a gentle shrug. "It's a bit of a blow."

"Especially when it seems the thought of that child was the only thing that got her through the agonizing torture of the vampire transformation," Carlisle adds speculatively. The rest of them had only gotten through the transformation through loud and fluent cursing

"Did you seriously have to eat the thing, Rosalie?" Edward says.

"My bad," Rosalie shrugs. The bottle of blood has long since been consumed, the apology ended.

"And if nothing else, couldn't you have told me that from the start?" Edward continues, exasperated. "Then I wouldn't have spent like three days angsting over the fact that I was going to be a father."

"Right," Rosalie says, deadpan. "Next time I'm going to eat one of your offspring, I shall make sure to give you due notice."

"Would you two quit your bantering already? You can talk about dead babies after we take care of the hysteric ex-mother," Liaf jerks his thumb towards Sue. "All her blubbering is giving me a headache."

"I've got some things that will fix her right up!" Alice interjects cheerfully. Everyone gives her a look for a long moment, and then resumes their discussion.

"Well, maybe we should—"

"Hey guys!" Jacob calls, throwing open the front door and stepping in. "Is Sue awake yet—oh." Because oh yes Sue is awake, and fairly hard to miss at the current moment. "Looks like she got the news, then, huh?"

Not that he needs an answer, and he's not getting one anyways, as Sue is rather distracted by his hand. Which is currently around Leah's hand. Sue's lovely new red eyes go wide as they rise to the smile on Leah's face.

"Urk," Sue says. Edward gives her a concerned look, wondering if she's choking on all the bottles of blood she's been swallowing.

"Hmm," observes Rosalie. "Today is not our day for breaking news to Sue."

"W-what happened?" Sue manages to sputter.

Jacob rubs the back of his head with his free hand. Leah begins flipping a knife with hers. "Well, you see, I was kind of wandering around a park looking for some random girl to imprint on and then Leah showed up and said all this stuff and then she—and yeah, stuff happened. Also, I crashed the car on my way home."

"Basically meaning," says Rosalie. "That operation deviation was a success. And I never liked that car anyways."

Leah gives her a sharp glance, but no one else appears to particularly notice anything amiss in the statement. Rosalie plotting is nothing new.

"So that means, you and she are now…" Sue trails off. She watches Leah's knife flash up through the air, turning end over end. Leah's hand darts out to catch the hilt before tossing it up again.

"Correct, vampire girl," Leah says, with just the hint of a smirk. Even without the knife, Sue gets the message.

"But…but…." Sue trails off uncertainly, turning pleading red eyes up to Jacob. "I thought you loved me?" she finishes in a small voice.

"'Loved' would be the key word there," Leah says with a grin. Jacob sighs, realizing he doesn't get to speak for himself in this particular conversation. "Sorry, _vampire_, but you've been trying to have it both ways for two long. You've made your choice, and you got it. You got your vampire," she points at Edward, who waves, "and you got to _be_ a vampire. Asking for anything more is just stupid and greedy. Not to mention entirely unrealistic."

"But that's the whole point of the _twilight _series!" Sue protests. Leah just shakes her head.

"Not anymore. We're changing the way this thing works. So you better get used to it," she says. A final catch of the knife, and she makes it disappear.

Sue draws her knees up to her chest and groans into them. "This all sucks so much. There's no way this day could get any worse."

And you should all know what happens next.

"Oh my god you guys the world's ending!" Tanya screams, bursting through the Cullen's front door. At least the window isn't getting all the abuse today.

"Splendid," Sue says.

"A few more days of this, and I think Sue will be as sarcastic and cynical as any of us," Liaf comments.

"Hello, Tanya," Carlisle says politely. "What brings you here? Would you like some tea?"

"Look, I'm sure you guys are very happy right now and everything, and I hate to burst your bubble—" Tanya begins, when her eyes fall upon Sue, who is only a rain cloud short of being the perfect picture of abject misery. "Aren't you supposed to be happy?" Tanya asks. Esme glides over to put the door back on its hinges.

Carlisle coughs a little. "Um, well, about that. I'm afraid _certain circumstances_," he glares at Rosalie, "have forced us to deviate from the script. As such, Sue is currently mourning the unfortunate and untimely death of her child." Rosalie looks down, probably intending to give the impression of shame, but really just hiding a grin.

"Deviated from the script?" Tanya asks, her red eyes going wide. "Oh. Oh. Perhaps this explains why… oh, I need a drink." She flops down on the couch next to Sue. "We have some things to talk about."

"Emmett, would you go get drinks for everyone?" Carlisle asks.

"Why do I have to—" he begins to protest.

"Because you're the most useless member of the family, that's why!" Carlisle snaps. Emmett frowns, but walks over to the kitchen while Carlisle resets his face to a benign smile. The rest of the Cullen clan, along with Jacob and Leah, settle themselves around the living room. Nothing like a little storytime.

Emmett comes back and grudgingly hands out bottles of blood to all assembled parties. Leah looks like she's thinking about taking one, but Jacob gives her a Look.

After a fortifying chug of blood, Tanya looks around the room. "What I'm about to tell you was never supposed to be known, either by immortals or mortals. But events have spiraled out of control, and if there is to be any hope of this world surviving, I must place my trust in you."

"Fun!" Alice says.

Tanya sighs, and closes her eyes. "It's an old tale, dating back to about a hundred years ago, right around the time Edward became a vampire, and the first inklings of this saga began to appear. At that time,_ the gods of the literary world _descended and took immortal forms, in order to observe the progress of this story."

"It's a little early in the game," says Edward. "But I think I'm calling BS."

"Edward!" Esme says sharply, frowning at him. "She is our guest and your ex-wife. Treat her with more respect."

"I'm afraid he never respected me," Tanya sighs. "Which was part of the problem in the first place." Edward sticks his tongue out at her.

"It is fairly far-fetched, however, Tanya," Carlisle says, frowning in thought. "The gods of the literary world?"

Tanya gives him a small, ironic smile. "No more so, I think, than certain other things you have encountered. You two, for example," she turns to Edward and Liaf. "Have you not had your own adventures on the other side of the fourth wall?"

"Fair enough," Edward says with a shrug. "I did see—and occasionally made out with—strange enough things during our little interdimensional expedition."

"Yes," says Tanya, nodding. "And what I say will quickly be proven. But that will have to wait until I finish my story. Shall I continue?" She waits for their nods, and then resumes speaking.

"The mission of the literary gods was only to observe, and to determine if this universe was worthy of existing. They watched as the characters—you all—entered the stage, watched as your backstories developed and the seeds of a tale were formed. Kind of. Then, two years ago, Sue encountered Edward, and their mission truly began.

"You moved through your daily lives, unaware the whole time that they were watching you, deciding if you were of sufficient literary merit to warrant continued existence. And it was several months ago that the gods made their decision. This world was not up to their standards. It was to be destroyed."

Everyone in the room gave a start. "I told you this was BS!" Edward roars.

"That's preposterous!" Carlisle says, shocked. "Why, look at all the excellent morals Sue and Edward have taught!"

"If that's true, then why are we still here?" Rosalie asks Tanya, narrowing her eyes.

Tanya sighs, and then looks up. "The gods made a miscalculation. As they prepared to destroy this world, they were stopped by its most despicable organization."

"I thought that was us," Edward says, confused. The rest of the Cullens nod in agreement.

"Ah, forgive me, the _second _most evil organization in this world," Tanya says, correcting herself. "And a group I think you're all familiar with at this point: the Volturi."

A collective groan spreads through the room. Jasper dives behind the couch. "Really? _Them? _" Edward whines.

"What, scared of your old _boyfriend, _Edward?" Emmett taunts. Edward sneers back.

"You're just jealous because you're not pretty enough for Aro—"

Tanya coughs politely. "Yes, I see you all know the Volturi _quite _well. They interrupted the ritual that would have destroyed this world. In the ensuring confusing, kidnapped one of the major goddesses, Conflict. They've locked her in a cursed coffin, sealing away a major portion of the literary god's strength. They've also gained the ability to manipulate her conflict-creating powers!"

"So the Volturi are manufacturing some conflict," Edward yawns. "They've never done _that _before."

"Putting Edward's sarcasm aside, it is true that the Volturi might not be the greatest threat," Carlisle asks. "After all, if they hadn't interrupted that ritual, wouldn't the world have been destroyed already?"

Tanya shook her head. "You still don't understand. We're talking about the Volturi capturing a _god._ Do you have any idea what they could do with her powers?"

"Be really, really annoying?" Edward suggests.

"Make a really crappy ending for this series?" Rosalie adds.

"Creating a sweeping trend of annoying vampire love stories aimed at teenage girls that will pollute bookstores across the nation?" Liaf throws in.

"All of those things!" Tanya says, leveling her gaze at them all. "Plus the killing and/or enslaving you all part." Now, Sue's new to this whole vampire thing, but she's under the impression that this all is very bad. This whole vampire life thing is not all the glitter and sex she expected it to be. And she was so sure the readers would love five chapters of fluff and Sueness. "Someone must stop the Volturi," Tanya finishes, her voice ominous.

"But why us?" Carlisle asks. Because really, going to them for help reeked of last resortness.

"And more that that, how do you know all of this, girlie?" Liaf asks suspiciously. Also a valid question.

Tanya takes a deep breath, determination in her eyes. "Because I myself am a literary god—Character Development. Conflict is my sister, Irina."

"Wow, twisterrific," Liaf says. "We haven't had a plot twist for a while."

"We haven't had a plot for a while," Rosalie reminds him. "Or like ever."

"Dude, I was married to you for like two whole weeks, and you never told me that?" Edward asks, outraged. Sue kinda glares, but mostly just sighs. She's married to this guy for all of eternity, and she has a sneaking suspicion he will never lose his eye for other women.

"If I recall correctly, we didn't do much talking at all during that time," Tanya says dryly. "Besides, I was getting close to you to see if you were an interesting enough character to merit the continued existence of your world. That's not exactly the kind of thing I'd tell you."

"Wow, so that means Pretty-Boy almost got our world destroyed then, huh?" Liaf says, making the connection. "Nice going."

"So you're coming to us as a representative of the literary gods, looking for help in rescuing your sister, correct?" Carlisle asks Tanya. She nods. "But if we do help you, wouldn't you just go and destroy our world afterwards?"

It is kind of a good point. That would be a lot of effort to go through just to be destroyed anyways. But Tanya shakes her head. "I have the power to cut you a deal. You successfully save Conflict, and we won't destroy your world."

"Sounds smooth enough," Liaf said, "but you still haven't explained why us. I'm sure you could find so people that are actually competent to help you."

"Well, as I said, Conflict was captured a few months ago. Or something. I've been looking for allies since, but this place seems remarkably devoid of secondary characters with any substance. I'd almost thought all was lost until a few days ago, when I felt my power responding. That could only mean one thing—somehow, there was character development occurring. I knew that whoever it was that caused this would be my only hope. I followed the signal back to its source, and I ended up here."

"Hmm, I see," Carlisle said. "How odd. I don't think we've had any character development occur around here since… well, ever. Who could possibly…" he looks around the room, searching the faces of all present (skipping right over Sue) until finally his eyes fall on Leah and Jacob, and they go wide. "Jacob," he says, "you may have just saved us all."

"Wait, what? What did I do?" He asks.

"Something right, it seems, Alpha," Leah says, giving him a friendly punch on the arm. "It's a miracle."

"You've been the narrator for the last few chapters, and in that time—somehow—some character development must have occurred. I can't imagine what else it would be," Carlisle informs him.

"I can use my powers of character development to help you out somewhat," Tanya says. "Without the rest of the literary gods being present, my powers are weakened, but perhaps it will be enough to help you overcome the Volturi."

"And how do we go about stopping them?" Carlisle asks. "I'm guessing we can't just get on the next flight to Italy and start smashing faces in."

Tanya nods. "Even without Conflict's power to back them up, they do have you severely outnumbered, so you'd probably just wind up as glittery smears on the pavement. Do remember, Aro not only has the largest gathering of vampires known to your world at his disposal, but also the unique talents of his _collection _that you will have to confront."

"Sadist," Edward mutters, clenching a fist.

"Yes, such as Jane," Tanya says with a grim smile. "If you are to have any chance of overcoming the Volturi, you will need your own army. Luckily, I know of just the force—the rest of the literary gods. We were scattered when the ritual was disrupted, and most of us are being pursued by Volturi agents. If you can find them, however, you will have your own fighting force. I haven't dared to make contact with any of the others before now for fear of attracting the Volturi's attention, but I can give you their general locations."

"If you're all being tracked, does that mean you could have brought Volturi agents here?" Rosalie asks, eyebrows drawing together. Sue gives a little whimper, remembering her super awesome foreshadowy fighting the Volturi dreams.

But Tanya only shakes her head. "No, the other part of the reason I was able to contact you now was because the agents tracking me have disappeared. I almost asked for your help back during the wedding, but I noticed them watching me."

"Which agents were they?" asks Edward.

"Volturi Guys A and B," Tanya answers.

Jacob and Leah exchange a quick high five. Tanya looks over at them curiously. "Do you know something?" Tanya asks.

"See those two coathangers there?" Edward points.

"The sparkly white ones that look like they're wearing cloaks?" Tanya asks.

"Yes. Go look at their faces," Edward directs. Tanya noticed that they did look somewhat humanoid, facing towards the wall, and so she got up to look at where their faces would be. If the faces of these two had not been melted off.

"By the gods," Tanya swears, earning several sniggers from Cullens that catch the irony of the statement. "Is this them? What could possibly do this to a vampire?"

"Holy water guns and an angry werewolf," Edward says casually. "We might be terrible at basically everything, but we've got general violence down."

Tanya sighs and walks back to the couch. She sits down, and takes a long drink out of her bottle of blood. God-in-immortal form she may be, but she certainly has the appetite of a vampire. "I'm afraid that might be just what the situation calls for," Tanya says. "Likely there will be some fighting while you are searching for the gods, and certainly there will be one when we attempt to take back Conflict."

"I imagine we'll need to split up to find all these gods before the Volturi catch on, correct?" Carlisle says, looking at Tanya. "With Sue, now, there are nine in my coven, so how might be the best way to divide into teams?"

"Make that ten, Carlisle," Jacob says, he and Leah standing up to face the vampires. "If I go back to La Push, not only do I have to deal with my dad again, but I also have to start going back to _school. _Therefore, I'm staying right here and helping to save the world and crap."

"If there's violence involved, I'm there," Leah says with a shrug.

"Alright then, eleven it is," Carlisle says. "Tanya?"

"One of the gods is located right here, in this town," she says. "Might I suggest that you send a small strike party, no more than four, to find her, while you and I figure out retrieval teams for the more distant gods?"

"Sounds intelligent. Alright, who would like to volunteer for the strike party?" Carlisle asks the rest.

"Me and Sue!" Edward volunteers immediately. "She needs to test out her abilities anyways."

"I'll come," Jacob says. "I doubt the Volturi will be expecting to see _shapeshifters_ around. It will probably catch them off guard. If they're there."

"I'll go too," Rosalie says, with a smile that seemed more threatening than happy. "Should be interesting."

"Alright then, there's our team," Tanya says. "You'll be chasing after the God known as Setting."

"And where we can find this Setting?" Rosalie asked.

Tanya smiles slightly. "The Volturi are holding her in the place representative of terrible settings…"

* * *

><p><em>Hello there, everyone, and welcome to the interlude. Things are really starting to get interesting now—in my parody at least (and maybe my summary will actually start to make sense now). In <em>breaking dawn, _this is kind of where everything begins to go downhill. Aside from the creepy too much information on pregnancy stuff, the Jacob chapters were decent. Then the story just kinda takes a nose dive and we get an imprinted Jacob and super sparkly Mary Sue. Blargh. So while I could just sit back and mock the horrible Sueness of all this vampire stuff, I kinda covered a lot of that already. So I'm making up my own plot! _

_Oh, also, the interlude is in third person, but the last three acts will probably be in first person. _


	16. Induction

"Wow," Sue says, looking up at the towering expanse of the Timber Museum. "This place looks pretty freaky at night, huh?" Lightning flashes in the background. When it passes, the night is utterly dark, clouds covering the moon and stars.

"This place always is freaky," Rosalie says. "What would you expect from a place where people go to learn about wood?" She spares Sue a sidelong glance, who catches it with her vampire eyes even in the dark. She hadn't really noticed before, having spent the first few days of her vampirehood consumed by abject misery, but this improved senses thing is pretty handy. Even if it means that she now hears all the sarcastic comments the others make about her.

She directs a frown at Edward and Jacob, who had been muttering to each other. They quickly spring apart.

"Do you think she heard us?" Jacob hisses out of the corner of his mouth.

"Naw," Edward answers, "Sue always her face scrunched up like that. It's all the monologuing. Hurts her brain."

"I'm going to hurt more than just your brain—provided, of course, there is one in between the two of you—if you idiots don't get your magical rears in gear," Rosalie says, looking thoroughly unimpressed. "Let's get this over with before I actually learn something from this place."

"Plus there's the whole, 'the faster we get this done, the faster we can save the world,' thing," Jacob says with shrug. Sue nods. Yeah, that.

"I'm sure that's the foremost concern on our minds," Rosalie says. Meanwhile, Edward crouches down and sorts through the rocks lining the pathway to the museum. Sue watches him a little curiously. What does he need a rock for? "Sorry, wolf, but none of us are noble enough to actually worry about saving the world. More than anything, we're just doing this because we're bored and also about half our family has personal grudges against the Volturi."

"I owe Aro a couple good kicks to the place that would sparkle if the sun ever shined there myself," Edward says, walking over with a rock in hand. "Now then, am I correct in assuming that we're doing this hoodlum style?"

"It is the Cullen specialty," Rosalie says, stepping aside for Edward. Sue suspects that this will not end well.

"Edward special move go!" Edward shouts, and then he hurls his rock through the window of the Timber Museum. Immediately, alarms start blaring.

Sue looks openmouthed at the other two vampires. Jacob just sighs.

"I really should expect things like this from you guys," he says, "but couldn't you have chosen a way that doesn't involve setting the alarms off?"

"Yeah," Edward says, "But I haven't gotten to break a window in ages. And after stalking girls, that's my true passion in life." Well, that part certainly sounds right. Married vampire life is turning out to be a little less fluffy than Sue imagined it. She sighs, and waits for Edward and Rosalie to jump through the window before following herself. Jacob brings up the rear.

"You know my father is going to come investigate this, don't you, Edward?" Sue says once they start walking down the darkened halls of the timber museum. "He's already outraged that I married you at all, just because I was underage and you were a sex offender and a possible murderer, and then on top of that I kind of disappeared into thin air this last week or however long it's been since the wedding, which probably makes him think that you killed me and buried the body somewhere, and then when I finally do show up, I'm in the middle of breaking into a museum with you. You know how _distinctly_ unhappy this will make him?"

"And then there's the fate of those two officers Charlie sent over while you were being vamped to consider," Jacob adds helpfully. Sue raises an eyebrow at Edward. She hasn't heard about that.

"Hmm," Edward says, brushing a hand across his chin in thought. "I suppose your father could pose quite a problem." Sue's other eyebrow joins the first. Edward, listening to others? Edward, _thinking_? The world really is changing. They go up the stairs of the museum, following after Rosalie, plunging deeper into the depths.

Finally, Edward snaps his fingers. "I know what to do!" he walks over to Sue, taking her hands and staring seriously into her eyes. Rosalie and Jacob both pause, looking to see where this is going. "Sue," Edward begins seriously, "I'm sorry if I kill your father."

"Okay, never mind, I thought we might have actually had some character development occurring there. My bad," Rosalie says, turning back to the hallway ahead. Jacob follows her.

Sue, meanwhile, slaps Edward as hard as she can across the face, which turns out to pretty hard indeed. A sharp crack like two stones slamming together issues forth, and Edward goes flying into a wall.

"Heroin… why…" Edward sputters dramatically, grasping at the air and pretending to die. Jacob walks over and kicks him.

Sue, meanwhile, has already switched out of anger mode and into freak out mode. She raises her hands to her mouth in horror. "Oh gods, I didn't mean to. Edward, are you alright? Edward? EDWARD?"

"Oh, he's fine," Jacob says. "So you can turn your capslock off already. Though me kicking him is probably not helping him." Jacob kicks him again. He groans.

Rosalie nods at the scene in approval. "Edward abuse aside, it appears some of Sue's vampire fighting instincts are kicking in. Excellent."

"Vampire fighting instincts?" Jacob says, with a certain degree of skepticism. Because the Cullens don't exactly seem like fighters. Chaos would be a more accurate description.

"Fighting, desire to cause damage to persons and property, same thing," Rosalie says, walking over and slinging an arm over Sue's shoulder companionably. Sue is still occupied with freaking out over Edward (who is weakly swearing at Jacob) and so doesn't have to time to freak out at Rosalie acting friendly. "Now then, would you prop that sorry excuse for a vampire back on his feet, wolf? It's time to get moving. There'll be plenty of time to abuse him later."

"Fine," Jacob sighs, and he leans down to haul Edward up. However, a sudden noise reaches all of their magically enhanced hearing, and they freeze.

"I told you bro, I heard something from over here. It's at least worth checking out. Cause you know, it would be kind of hard to explain if someone walked in when we were in the middle of enslaving a god."

"Volturi," Rosalie hisses, a faint whisper. "What do we do?"

"Hide?" Jacob suggests.

"Yeah, and hope they don't notice the giant hole Sue put in the wall? Not happening," Edward replies.

"Ambush then?" Sue says, a little frantic. She can hear the footsteps now.

"Something like that," Rosalie says, smiling just a little. "Jacob and Edward, you go find our friend. Sue and I will handle the cloaks."

"But—" Edward begins.

"She needs to learn to fight sometime," Rosalie says in a sharp whisper, as the faint shadows of the Volturi appear around the corner. "Now get ready!"

Jacob takes off his pants. Sue just has time to make a strangled noise before he turns into his wolf form.

"I definitely heard something that time!" comes the voice of one of the Volturi. "Told you I wasn't drunk!"

"Now!" shouts Rosalie.

Jacob bounds forward, leaping at the two cloaked figures, the force bearing them both to the ground. But Jacob just continues forward, running behind them and out of sight. Edward leaps onto one and then sprints off, following Jacob.

In a flash, the two Volturi are back on their feet, turning to follow after, but Rosalie is standing in their way. "Sorry, boys," she says with a smile, and her teeth shine in the half-light. "Why don't you play with us instead?"

Sue blinks. Well. She guesses this sounds kinda... fun?

"She's one of the Cullens!" One figure tells the other. "They must have found out about us!"

"So our reputation precedes us," Rosalie says. And then she momentarily frowns. "That's probably not a good thing. Hmm. Yes, you're right. I am Rosalie, and that girl over there trying to hide behind the sculpture of a tree is Sue. We're both Cullens."

"Introductions, huh?" says the one on the left. "Kinda old fashioned."

"Well, duh," says the other. "That's cause we're old fashioned ourselves."

"True," says the first. "Then allow us to introduce ourselves as well! I am Volturi Guy C!"

"And I am Volturi Guy D!"

"Didn't see that coming," Rosalie says, tilting her head to the side, still grinning. And then she sighs. "Sue, for the love of god, please stop trying to hide behind the tree. Here's your first lesson: picking a fight and then hiding usually doesn't work. Second lesson: intimidate, don't be intimidated."

"B-but," Sue says, peeking out only to duck back behind when she sees everyone staring at her. "I don't know how to fight! I just scream until Edward saves me!"

"What's her problem?" Volturi Guy C asks.

"Newborn," Rosalie says casually. "You know how it is. And you should see the kind of life she's had up until now. It's really time for a change."

"Well then, you're in luck," Volturi Guy D says, throwing back his cloak to reveal two water pistols strapped to his waist. "Everything will change once the Volturi rule the world!"

"I don't mean change for the worse," Rosalie mutters as she rolls to the side and takes cover around the corner, pulling out her own gun. The Volturi Guys hide in the wreckage of the wall, and holy water bullets fill the air. Sue cringes back against the tree statue, praying none of those hit her. She's seen the damage they can do. "Oh, for the love of-Sue, you have a gun of your own, don't you?" Rosalie shouts.

"Yes!" Sue replies.

"Are you a better shot than your father?"

"Probably not!"

"Okay then, so if I want to keep my face, I should probably not let you shoot," Rosalie ducks back behind the wall. "Okay, how about this: do you remember what it is that we Cullens specialize in?"

Sue remembers. "Of course!"

"Careful, C, they're plotting something!" says Volturi Guy D.

"No!" says Volturi Guy C. "And here I thought people always had conversations in the middle of battle. Just keep shooting! We've got more ammo then they do!"

"Alright, Sue!" Rosalie shouts. "Go for the floor!"

And then Sue, using her newly acquired vampire powers, darts forward, and slams her fist into the floor. It shatters—right under the Volturi Guys.

Because the Cullen's specialty, of course, is property damage. And crime in general, but that's beside the point.

Rosalie's there in a flash, shooting down into the hole in the floor, holy water washing over the two stunned Volturi Guys. She tosses the gun aside once it is empty and then looks over at Sue. And her smile is nearly genuine. "Not bad at all for your first fight, Sue. Although in the future, hiding and cowering is not an acceptable battle tactic."

"The future?" Sue couldn't help but squeak a little. "As in, there's going to more fighting?"

"I sure hope so!" Rosalie says, looking like she doesn't quite understand what's so bad about that.

Sue is saved from having to debate about the entertainment value of life and death battles with the Volturi by the appearance of Edward and Jacob, still in wolf form. Another vampire trails behind them-at least, she looks like a vampire. Sue assumes that the woman is actually Setting. Unless Edward somehow found a way to pick up a girl inside a locked Timber Museum in the middle of the night. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Hey look guys we actually accomplished something!" Edward says, waving to them. "And it looks like you managed to destroy half the museum while we were gone!"

"Considering the place, it's probably an improvement." Rosalie says with a shrug. "Hello, there, Siobhan. Am I to assume you are a literary god in disguise as well?"

"Well met, Rosalie," says the vampire, Siobhan, giving a small bow. "You're quite correct. And Edward here has told me already that Character Development has struck a bargain with you. As my thanks for rescuing me, I too will lend you my power."

"Lovely," Rosalie says, as she and the others leap down the hole in the floor in order to make their escape. "So out of curiosity, how did the Volturi managing to hold you here? You are a vampire and a literary god. It seems like that should trump generic Volturi Guys."

Siobhan looks just a little embarrassed. "Um, well…"

"Rope," Edward says with a shrug.

"Oh," Rosalie says. "That seems a little silly."

"Well, my power is greatly weakened by bad settings," says Siobhan, just a little quickly. "Just being here in Sporks saps my strength, and then entering into the Timber Museum on top of that, my goodness! Also, they did have guns."

"Makes sense," Rosalie says. "Being here does that to most people. You should have seen how angsty Sue was when she came here."

"She was almost as angst as she is now!" Edward adds.

"So, out of curiosity," Jacob says, running to catch up to them after ducking aside to put on legs and pants, "should you really have killed those Volturi Guys?" He doesn't look back to the sparkly puddles of goo that once were the Volturi Guys.

"Well, why not?" Rosalie says, sparing him a backwards glance. "Did _you _see any reason for their continued existence? _I _didn't see any reason for their continued existence. Just like our author didn't see any reason to give them names."

"Yeah, but aren't we fighting for the sake of our continued existence?" Jacob persists. "So doesn't that kind of make us hypocrites for taking the lives of others based on our whims?"

"You are forgetting an important point, wolf," Rosalie says. "I don't _care_."

"But shouldn't you care? I mean, at some point, even you will have to face the fact that you're really no better than the Volturi," Jacob says pointedly.

"No, but we totally are," Edward breaks in, "I mean, look what Aro did to Jasper? At least we don't commit all those sex crimes—oh wait, never mind, I totally do. Hmmm," he trails off thoughtfully.

"See?" Jacob says, "If nothing else, karma is going to make things very unpleasant for you."

"Wait, karma?" Rosalie says suspiciously. "You sure didn't give a damn about karma back when we were trying to kill Edward—"

"Hey!" Edward says.

"—So I can think of only one reason why you should suddenly care now. Have you been talking to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley?" Rosalie finishes.

"No," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, shimmering into sight beside Jacob.

"You little weasel," Rosalie hisses, marching up to him. "Didn't I tell you to disappear? I didn't appreciate your didactic little comments back then, and I certainly don't appreciate them now. Why are you here?"

"Um, well, um," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says nervously, floating back a little, "Well, I… no, I'm not going to let you intimidate me!"

"Well, that's a first," Edward says, a little surprised. They've all paused now, standing in the hallway leading to the museum lobby, watching the showdown.

"I've had a lot of time since I met you guys and then died shortly after to think things through. And in that time, I've slowly realized that the way you guys treat me is not very nice. In fact, it's almost mean!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley exclaims. "But it's not just me. You guys are mean to everyone, like those Volturi Guys you keep killing."

"'And your point is?" Rosalie says, giving him her trademark contemptuous stare. Everyone looks rather surprised it doesn't send the Ghost of Tyler Crowley running. Rosalie looks a little taken aback, but she continues. "I already told the dog that I am alright with this state of affairs."

"But look what you've done!" protests the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "You've gone and involved poor Sue in your schemes, and you just made her participate in a double homicide!"

"I did?" Sue says, eyes going wide.

"She did?"

And everyone freezes at that voice. Because they've all heard it, at one point or another, and learned to fear it. As a group, they turn around to face the museum lobby, and standing there is the greatest police chief Sporks has ever known. Charlie.

"He can hear me?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley whispers.

"He's Sue's dad, so he must have contributed to some of her freaky genetic makeup," Edward replies with a shrug. "Apparently he gave her the weird quirk that let her see you when she was human."

"Oh, I see," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Well, you guys enjoy your karma! Come find me later if you want to talk about goodness and love and doing the right thing!"

"Have I mentioned how much I hate him?" Rosalie snarls.

"What have you made my daughter participate in?" growls Charlie, taking a few ominous steps forward and drawing their attention back to him.

"Not a double homicide, breaking and entering, and theft?" Edward suggests.

"Theft?" Rosalie asks.

Edward holds up a pine tree air freshener. "From the gift shop. My pockets are full of them."

"Perhaps it was too soon to thank you all for rescuing me?" Siobhan says, looking at them all with some degree of skepticism. "You know very interesting people, yes?"

"You," Charlie says, pointing his gun at Edward. Sue shivers at the menace in his voice.

"Why is it always me?" Edward mutters.

"I should have killed you long ago," Charlie spits, and his eyes now are full of wild rage. "I should never have allowed you and the rest of your wicked kin to move into this town!"

"I find this mildly offensive," Rosalie says with a roll of her eyes. "Edward, why don't you give him a final insulting line while I make an escape for us?"

"Yeah, sure," Edward says with a shrug. Rosalie turns to the wall with windows and smashes a hole straight through it. Sue vaguely wonders what the total cost of their rescue operation is going to be for the museum. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley would probably have something to say about that to if he was here. "Look for your daughter in the headlines, old man, cause there's a lot more crimes out there for us to commit! Don't blow a hip chasing us, ya geezer!" And then Edward follows the others out through their improvised escape route. ("You realize he's younger than you?" Rosalie mutters to Edward.) Only Sue lingers behind for a moment.

"Bye, daddy, I love you!" she calls, before Edward clamps on her arm and drags her off.

First mission successfully completed.

* * *

><p>Tanya and Sioban are both seated in the Cullen's living room, drinking tea. The Cullens are grouped around them, along with Leah and Jacob. On the coffee table, several maps are laid out, and off to the side are several scraps of paper with Carlisle and Tanya's planning on it.<p>

"The first step of operation Stop The Dumb-Volturi-guys—STD—is complete. Although not particularly subtly, as I understand it," Carlisle says, turning to give the strike team a look. Sue had the grace to look ashamed, although none of the others did.

"Subtle has never been our style," Rosalie comments, "but we managed it thoroughly, so that's all that counts, right?"

Carlisle sighs. "I would have preferred it if you didn't accomplish our goals in such a way that means that we won't be able to come home for the next several months unless we wish to kill Sue's father—"

"Which I still think is our best plan," grumbles Edward.

"—but at the very least you managed to save Siobhan, who has used her powers of setting to locate the other gods of the literary world. Are you all ready to hear the group assignments?"

"Please don't let me be with Alice, please don't let me be with Alice," Liaf says, crossing his fingers.

"Now then, according to Tanya's information, the two gods that have attracted the most attention and thus are the most likely to be surrounded by the Volturi are Irony and Theme. As such, we're sending teams of three after them, each including a werewolf for their aforementioned element of surprise. "

"You're splitting us up?" Leah sighs. "Man."

"Please don't let me be with Rosalie, please don't let me be with Rosalie," prays Jacob.

"Team One will be heading to Phoenix, Arizona to chase after Theme," Tanya announces. "It will consist of Leah, Rosalie, and Sue."

"Yes!" Jacob cheers. Although, thinking it through, his other choices aren't so great either.

"Wait, how did you even decide these teams anyways?" Edward complains. "I don't like Sue being apart from me. Even if I can't nom on her anymore. She gets_ ideas_."

"That's kind of the point," Tanya says. "Remember, your primary goal is to retrieve the god you're after. But the secondary goal is to achieve some character development, making you stronger and possibly allowing us to not get our faces smashed in by the Volturi when we actually fight them. And your family seems to think that very little character development will actually occur with Sue and you together."

"But we already tried splitting up back in Taylor Lautner Shirtless, and it only resulted in a bunch of attempted suicides!" Edward protests.

"Not a suicide!" Sue shoots back.

"Yeah, but that was then. Also, we also tried to pick teams based on skill sets and compatibility, and Sue will hopefully be a useful addition to that team due to her familiarity with the city," Carlisle says. "Anyways, Tanya, please continue."

"Right, then, Team Two will pursue Irony, who is to be found in the city of Chicago," says Tanya.

"Hey, that's my hometown!" Edward says.

"Team Two will consist of Jacob, Liaf, and Edward," Tanya finishes.

"Oh, how ironic," Edward says. "I feel like this is not going to end well."

"Everyone else will be moving separately so we can reach all the major gods," Carlisle says. "Except for, of course Alice and Jasper, who will be paired together."

"In order to confine the damage to one area," Liaf says helpfully.

"Alice and Jasper will be going to Africa in pursuit of the god Deus Ex Machina, I will be going to England in pursuit of Figurative Language, Esme will be going to Canada to find Dialogue, and Emmett will be going to Santa's Workshop in order to find Humor."

"Figures Humor would be hiding there," Edward says. "Or maybe, like Sex Jokes, or something."

"There is _so _not a god of sex jokes," Tanya says, shooting Edward a glare.

Carlisle clears his throat, and then says. "Meanwhile, Tanya and Siobhan will wait here for us to return and hopefully put off any actions the Police of Sporks might be taking against us. They've also sent out calls to some of the minor gods, who have managed to avoid pursuit by the Volturi. Everyone will meet up here inside of a month-or, considering typical time flow in this parody, two days-and then we'll have our super awesome last battle with the Volturi. Everyone clear on the plan?" Carlisle asks, and receives a flurry of nods. "Alright then. Let's move!"

* * *

><p><em>Act III begins next week. <em>

_I kind of miss Jacob. He was a good narrator. We'll have a new narrator next time, but I'm not expecting much. _

_And thanks to my friend Hichi for acronym help!  
><em>


	17. To Save The World

ACT III: MARY SUE

* * *

><p><em>The field is covered is snow. The sheer whiteness of it only makes the black cloaked figures seem more dark. <em>

_ "Aro," I say, stepping forward. Because it's me he wants to talk to, after all. Edward and Carlisle stand behind me, along with a lot of fricking gods, but I'm the one who faces the black cloaked horde. Because I'm the main character, and that means that I'm the one who gets to talk to Aro. Well, some might say "has to," as opposed to "gets." Still, it's my job.  
><em>

_ As the Ghost of Tyler Crowley would say "with great power comes great responsibility, and you have a duty to act as an example for both other characters and the readership. So Edward, stop being a freaky, abusive womanizer who has murder as his primary hobby, and Sue, stop being so amazingly annoying and grow up! And stop inner monologuing and focus on the battle!"_

_ There is a reason the Ghost of Tyler Crowley is locked up inside Rosalie's makeshift ghost trap right now, and not out on the battlefield. _

_ "Well met, Mary Sue," says Aro, at the head of that black tide sweeping across the field of snow. The Volturi fall into ranks behind him, inky black sweeping out to either side. And it is then that I can see the coffin borne by four of the cloaks, suspended in the middle of all the darkness. Terribly cliché, Irony is probably shaking his head right now in dismay. But effective. From the coffin stems this conflict, for the coffin holds—and distorts—Conflict. Aro throws back his black hood, and his pale face sparkles in the weak sunlight.  
><em>

_ I hear more than a few sniggers from behind me—and I must admit, it really isn't that threatening of a sight. Despite the fact that we too look like a child's art project-covered in far, far too much glitter-watching your enemy sparkle is just not that intimidating. _

_ "Ah, what sad business brings us here today, Mary Sue," Aro sighs. "I heard that you had gone and created an immortal child—"_

_ "Wrong," Edward interrupts. "Not immortal, and now dead."_

_I can't stop the slightest of winces. That would be _my _dead child. Edward still doesn't quite understand that some things are not that easy to get over. (Or that, until like three days ago, I didn't get over things. That too.)  
><em>

_ "We skipped that part," I say, managing a smile for Aro. At least, if it sucks for me, it also sucks for him.  
><em>

_ "Point, Cullens!" someone shouts, and I blink over to the side at a Volturi Guy who apparently has taken on the role of scorekeeper. He makes a tally mark on the little scoreboard he has brought with him. Aro glares at him. In the old days, he would have killed his men for such idiocy. Apparently his minions are not as expendable now. And we may be responsible for that.  
><em>

_ Well, now, that's a pleasant thought, but that doesn't mean that this will be any easier. We're still facing down a very large horde of generic villains in black cloaks. We've got a couple tricks up our sleeves, but _this is a battle, Sue, and yes, people do die in those things, so please, pay attention, take this seriously, and Edward, if you spill another bottle of blood on the battle plans you won't live to die in the battle. _At least that's what Tanya said. This fighting fair thing is complicated. _

_What I understand is that this battle is a gamble. And if you gamble, then sometimes, you _lose..._  
><em>

* * *

><p>"It seriously has to be Arizona?" Rosalie complains as we fly. We're stuck with commercial, since both Edward and Alice had taken their private jets. But we're also Cullens, which means that we get first class. I munch on some of those fancy little free peanuts they give while Leah, across the aisle, looks over at us.<p>

"Why not?" Leah says with a shrug. "Besides, it's funny for me." Copious amounts of sunlight and vampires have always been a fun combination. And thanks to my new found vamping, the sun is now my enemy too, leaving Leah the only one able to appreciate the situation.

"Besides, I'm looking forward to going back home!" I say, giving Rosalie a smile before remembering that people don't _do _that and attempting to frown. "You know, the last time we went to Phoenix, I picked a fight with an insane hunter, Edward got fed to sharks and lost his second pinky, we burned down a ballet studio, Edward was cross dressing, and I was locked in a hotel room with Alice and Jasper for two days," I pause, thinking about what I just said. "I wasn't the greatest of visits."

"Imagine that," Rosalie says dryly. I'd kinda hoped we'd bonded thanks to the events in the Timber Museum, but then she punched me and told me to dream on. It was sad. "I don't think we've ever had a family vacation that hasn't ended up with us fleeing from disaster. I'd say we're cursed, but I know full well that we do our utmost to bring it on ourselves." She takes a sip of the bottle of blood she tucked away in her carry-on.

Rosalie does kind of scare me and everything, but she really is skilled at getting stuff through airport security. Unlike others I could mention. (_Alice.) _I'd thought for sure that if they didn't catch us for all the human blood we were carrying, the loaded guns would give them pause (I'd asked what they were for, when they really didn't do too much on vampires. Leah said fun, Rosalie said dinner). But a couple winks here and there, a bribe or two, and one agent bound and gagged in a restroom stall later, and we were through.

"This time probably won't be all that fun either," Leah says, just a little disgruntled. I'm not quite sure why she's helping us, because I'm pretty sure she kind of hates me. Maybe she's just going along with it because Jacob is? Or maybe she actually cares about the fate of the world? That would be weird. "We've got a job to do. Rosalie, you have the file Tanya gave us, right?"

"Yes, right here." Rosalie pulls out a manilla folder. Tanya and Carlisle had gone and prepared mission briefings for all of while we were rampaging through the Timber Museum. Very awesome and official and spy-ish.

"The person—" Rosalie doesn't say god, because there are a lot of people besides us in the air plane, and while we can still pass as idiot teenagers who talk about things the older generation can't understand, sometimes caution is useful "— we're looking for is called Kate, another one of Tanya's sisters." She holds up a picture for Leah and I to see. The vampire pictured is pretty and blond and doesn't look all that god-like to me, but this isn't exactly my area of expertise.

"She and Tanya got separated a while ago, so Tanya's not sure how accurate her information is, but as Theme, Kate has some major power. Apparently, she hasn't been able to use much of it in our universe; however, if the Volturi were to get their hands on her, they could apparently alter the theme of the novel to something like, 'we should all bow down to our new overlords,'" Rosalie pauses to fix me and Leah both with a red-eyed stare. "And I will not be bowing down to anybody." (Rosalie prefers when people bow down to her.)

"No disagreement here," Leah shrugs, and Rosalie simply nods instead of, like, tearing off her head or something. The two do seem remarkably close, for their species being archenemies and them both being somewhat of psychopaths. "Though Edward might have Sue bowing down to him sooner or later."

"I believe we've passed that point already," Rosalie says, frowning over at me. Um. Help. Did I really have to be separated from Edward? "Perhaps character development can instill Sue with a spine while we're here. Now then, Tanya also believes that the Volturi may have sent one of their best agents out after Kate in order to ensure her recovery—"

"You mean like, one with an actual name?" I can't help interrupting. Which I instantly regret, but Rosalie just looks over at me and sighs.

"Yes, Sue, one with an actual name. A rather well known name, in fact, though I doubt you've heard it since it seems Edward neglected to tell you anything that might have actually been of use before he went and vamped you. His name is Alec, and he's the twin brother of Jane. Like her, he possesses a fairly impressive special ability, but his works in a rather opposite way from hers," Rosalie explains.

I screw up my face in thought. "So he's… a masochist?" I say.

Rosalie slams her head into her tray table.

"God, I knew I should have separated you from Edward earlier. Or killed you or something," Rosalie says, exasperated. Leah looks like she might be attempting to restrain laughter. "No, Sue, a masochist is what you are. And maybe what Jacob is."

"Hey!" Leah glares across the plane aisle at Rosalie, before letting out a sigh. "Well, maybe just a little."

"Regardless, Alec's powers, rather than causing pain like his sadist of a sister's, remove it. Along with all other sensation," Rosalie says, as a flight attendant passes by and I snag another package of peanuts. She kinda gives us a funny look, because we've stopped caring what we say, but meh. First class and all. The flight attendant moves on.

"Hmm," I say thoughtfully, tearing open the package. "That sound like it might be distressing."

"Kind of," Rosalie replies. "However, Edward suggests that because of your own freaky mind, you might be immune to it, which is another reason you were sent on this team. So, as much as I'm sure I'm going to regret saying this, we'll be counting on you, Sue."

I can practically feel my eyes going wide and sparkly. I even forget the peanuts for a minute. They…they are counting on me?

"Oh, look there's the regret. Wonderful," Rosalie sighs. "It's likely that he's brought some brute force with him in the form of generic Volturi guys, so we will have to be on the guard for them as well."

"How lovely," Leah says, matching Rosalie's sigh. "Alright, so what's our plan? Do we have any information that might direct our search?"

"Nope," Rosalie says, snapping the folder shut.

"Oh, okay. Then how do you suppose we go about locating Kate? An entire city is a pretty wide area to search," Leah asks, raising an eyebrow at us.

"Go outside and look for the sparkle?" I suggest.

Leah gives me the I-don't-understand-how-Jacob-was-infatuated-with-you-for-two-hopeless-years face. "That would only work if any of our targets went outside."

"Which they very well might," Rosalie says thoughtfully. I kind of gape at her a little. Usually by now she'd be insulting me. "Your mistake, Leah, is in trusting in the common sense of our kind. Take us for example. I'm sure, at some point, Sue and I will end up going outside in the middle of blazing Arizona day for some completely pointless reason, like to go buy new shoes or visit Sue's mother or something."

"Oh my goodness we have to visit my mother!" I gasp, latching onto Rosalie's arm. And then I immediately let go a second later. She just kind of looks at me, and then slams her head into the tray table again. The guy in front of her turns to glare over the seat, only to realize that Rosalie is _scary. _

"Why do I say things like that?" Rosalie groans, after dealing with the guy.

"Please, please, please?" I beg, turning to Leah, who can't quite seem to decide if she's amused, or disgusted. Leah looks that way around us a lot of the time.

"How about we do some investigation into murder sprees that have been happening in the city?" Kate says, _completely ignoring me_ and speaking to Rosalie. "Kate is at least pretending to be a vampire, and the Volturi definitely will be vampires, which means they have to be getting food from somewhere," Leah suggests.

Rosalie shrugs. "Sounds like probably the best plan we'll be able to come up with," she says. Hmmm.

"Hey guys, you know who probably knows all the latest Pheonix gossip including but not limited to murder sprees?" I say, with a little slyness I've borrowed from Edward in my voice.

"No," Rosalie says, shaking her head. "Leah, shut her up before she says it."

"You're sitting next to her," Leah says, shrugging.

"Oh right."

"My mother!" I say, before Rosalie manages to tear my arm off or something. That_ is_ one of her favorite threats.

"Sue, dear, you know that just dealing with you nearly gives me a stroke or high blood pressure or something that would matter if I was human," Rosalie tells me. "Whatever makes you think I want to deal with your mother on top of that?"

"Besides, wouldn't your mother be a little curious about your new look?" Leah says doubtfully. Hmm, well. Charlie didn't really notice too much because he never really pays attention to what I look like. He's always busy watching sports and I'm always busy making out with Edward. Besides, he's a _guy. _If he thought I looked different, he'd just suspect I got my hair cut or something. But Renee…

"Probably won't notice a thing," I say confidently. "She'll just think it's a new look I picked up here in Sporks."

Man it's a good thing I have a such a ditsy mother. And a kind of psychotic dad. Thankfully I don't take after either of them! Edward and I so would have been better parents if we hadn't handed our daughter off to a baby killer shortly after her birth (something which I entirely blame Edward for).

"Fine, whatever," Rosalie says, leaning back in her chair and closing her eyes. "What do I care? We'll go see your crazy mother—she was the one who started that fire at your wedding, right?—and who knows, maybe it won't be the complete waste of time I'm expecting. And then when that fails, I can talk to some connections of mine in the underground and we'll see what they know."

"Yay!" I shout, clapping my hands and grinning. Rosalie gives me a sideways glare, and resigns herself to enduring the rest of the flight.

* * *

><p>Phoenix is just as hot and bright and sunny as I remember it. Leah has to grab my arm to keep me from running right into the sun while we watch the bags and Rosalie goes and steals a car. She told me that it's a skill I'll have to learn soon, if I want to have any right to call myself a Cullen. Apparently even Jasper is a master of the art, although Alice usually does the honors.<p>

She pulls up in a red convertible remarkably similar to the one she left behind in Sporks. Leah scoffs a little at the impracticality of the open topped car, though Rosalie and I are both wearing large sunglasses and trench coats that hide everything but a small portion of our faces.

Besides, I seem to recall the last time we were here, Alice, Jasper, Liaf, and Edward didn't really much bother with precautions. But Edward was also wearing a skirt, so people just kinda thought he had some sort of disorder.

We drive off, getting a fair amount of stares from airport bystanders (even incognito, we're still pretty impressively flashy). Rosalie doesn't quite seem to trust me with driving, so I sit in the passenger seat and give her directions following the familiar way to my old home. I really hope my mom hasn't managed to burn it down in my absence. Oh dear. Hopefully the Cullen house itself was enough for her.

We park the stolen car in my driveway, and I skip out and up to the front door. Rosalie and Leah follow behind me at a slightly less enthusiastic pace. I ring the doorbell, already imagining the joyously glorious reunion, but after a moment, it seems that no one is coming to the door.

"Hmmm," I say, frowning.

"Her car's in the driveway," Leah says, pointing to the battered looking wreck next to the shiny red stolen convertible. "You'd think she'd be home."

"You wouldn't happen to have a key, would you, Sue?" Rosalie asks. I shake my head.

"Nope, gave my spare to my stepdad," I say.

"Alright then," Rosalie says. "Leah, do you have a brick?"

Leah wordlessly hands her one. I look at Leah, and she simply shrugs. Obviously.

"Excellent," Rosalie says. "Heads." And then she hurls the brick through my front window.

"I feel that I would have protested this course of action had I known about it prior," I say, as Rosalie brushes aside the shattered glass still left in the window.

"Please, Sue," she says, rolling her eyes and stepping through, "I—" she cuts off abruptly, and then says, in a very different tone, "Well now, what do we have here?"

Oh, that's not ominous at all.

"What is it?" Leah says, instantly on the alert.

"You guys might want to come in here and look," Rosalie says. Leah hops right in, and after hesitating a moment, I follow.

However, I hit the ground sooner then I expect. Looking down, I find myself standing on the black cloaked chest of what appears to be a vampire.

"Think it's a Volturi Guy?" Leah asks.

"I think there is a distinct possibility," Rosalie says dryly. "It looks like he got a brick to the back of the head, and possibly some glass shards to the neck. But you might want to get off him, Sue, it's likely he's only stunned—"

In one rather fast maneuver, he's standing on his feet, holding me by the ankle.

"Help," I say.

"Volturi Guy E," he introduces himself, looking to Rosalie and Leah. "You are better than Aro's records lead us to believe. I didn't expect you to notice that I was waiting to attack any who came in the door. But you are still not good enough!"

His other hand comes up, suggesting that I am about to get my first experience being torn into little ity-bity vampire pieces. But before he can do anything, Leah's got her water gun out, and nails his arm.

And nothing happens.

"Hmm," Rosalie says. "That's unexpected. It seems you're out of luck, Sue."

"Did you think we would really fall for the same trick more than a few times?" laughs the Volturi Guy. Well, yeah. We fall for the same tricks all the time. "Where do you think holy water comes from?"

"That's actually a really good question," Rosalie says thoughtfully. "We've just been getting ours from the giant vat Carlisle keeps in the basement."

"You actually do have a basement?" I ask incredulously. Rosalie gives me a look that says this is not the time and that's a stupid question anyways.

"You fools, it comes from the Catholic Church!" Says the Volturi Guy, swinging me around for emphasis or something like that.

"Gasp!" Leah says. "Why does that matter?"

"Who's the head of the Catholic Church?" he asks, grinning. I'm really glad I'm a vampire, because a human would be red-faced and have a splitting headache at this point. As it is, I'm rather uncomfortable with the situation.

"Oh," Rosalie says with a sigh. "That would be the pope. Who is Aro."

"Exactly. And as such, he has gone and unholyed all the holy water!" Volturi Guy E says triumphantly. We all just kinda stare at him.

Leah's the first to actually be able to reply to that. "Can he even _do _that?" she manages.

Rosalie thaws, and then shakes her head. "Well, really, the only question we have left is, why not? Leah, looks like we're back to the old fashioned way."

"Fine," Leah sighs, and then she begins stripping.

"Woah, I'll have you know your little 'old fashioned way' won't work on me!" Volturi Guy E protests. "I am happily married!"

"Your poor widow," Leah says, morphing into her wolf form and pouncing.

Her lunge knocks him off balance, and I manage to scamper clear before any of the real tearing starts. I bound to my feet next to Rosalie, thinking that that didn't go as badly as it could have.

"We should probably stop her before he dies," I say to Rosalie, as we watch Leah do her job. "He might know where we could find Kate."

"Hmm," Rosalie says. "Well, as much as I hate giving the 'take them alive' orders, I suppose you're right. We can always kill him later. The reverse doesn't work nearly so well. Hey, Leah—"

She doesn't get to finish her sentence. Suddenly, she's dodging as another Volturi Guy appears and charges at her. Volturi Guy F, going off previous indications. Which is a funny and slightly unfortunate title, when you think about it.

"So you must be Sue Cullen?" The Volturi Guy says to me. "Your mother sends her regards."

Oh, right this is my mother's house. And the Volturi Guys are here, and she isn't.

That's probably bad.

* * *

><p><em>What now, SMeyer? You're not the only one who can use fancy framing techniques. <em>

_The difference between Sue and Jacob as narrators is that Jacob says stupid things sarcastically. Sue says them in full earnestness. _

_So it's come to my attention that these double chapters are kinda freaking long. I think I might cut some of the next few chapters down a little, just so I don't end up with a lot of filler. But they'll still be longer than normal chapters, and hopefully continue to amuse!  
><em>


	18. Life and Death

"What did you do to my mother?" I scream, going into one of those panic attack modes that everyone is always tell me I shouldn't go into. It's not like _I_ can help it. My vision goes a little red, and I grab Leah's brick off the floor and chuck it as hard as I can at the head of Volturi Guy F.

Being a newborn vampire and all, it turns out I can throw quite impressively hard. The brick appears to dent his forehead before flying off and breaking another window. Oh look, unintentional property damage. I really am living up to the Cullen name. Edward would be so proud.

"Well," Rosalie says, straightening out of her fighting crouch and walking over to inspect Volturi Guy F. "Your throws have gotten much better. Your interrogation techniques, however, could use a bit of work."

"What?" I say, before looking down at the unconscious Volturi Guy, who doesn't look quite up to spilling the whereabouts of my mother. "Oh. Um. Oops."

"Yeah," Rosalie says. "But he should wake up soon enough. Now take these, and don't let them get anywhere near your neck. You know. Just in case." And she tosses a pair of pale cylinders at me. It takes me a few seconds to get that these are the arms of Volturi Guy F I'm currently holding. Oh, I see, Rosalie disarmed him. Get it? Dis-_armed_. Man I'm so funny. Or slightly hysteric. One of the two.

"Hey, Leah, how are things over there?" Rosalie calls absentmindedly as she pokes the Volturi Guy, waiting for him to wake up.

In response, the severed head of Volturi Guy E comes rolling towards us.

Leah rejoins us shortly in her human form.

"So, without holy water, looks like we're relying on the slash and burn method, right?" Leah asks, looking at the sparkly white pile that is the rest of Volturi Guy E, and Rosalie nods. "Sue, would you happen to have a fireplace here?"

"Oh, yes, right in the living room," I say pointing. Mostly used for decoration purposes and all that, you know, 'cause it is _Arizona_.

…I wonder if I should tell my mother the ashes in the fireplace are her kidnappers after we rescue her, or if that would just traumatize her more?

"Right, I'll go get a fire started while you two take care of the questioning," Leah says, walking off. Over her shoulder, she says, "you might want to keep an eye on the body bits, Sue, just in case they reassemble and try to kill you!"

Reassuring thought. I turn to stare at the sparkly white pile of body bits. It is not nearly so fun a pursuit as it sounds.

"Well now, looks like our friend is waking up," Rosalie says from behind me. "This should be good; interrogations are always fun."

"Ugh… my head," groans Volturi Guy F as he wakes up. "Also, my arms. Would you happen to have seen where they went?"

I turn for a moment to wave one at him, and then return to my guard duty.

"AH, charming," he says. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to give them back?"

"Why don't we ask your friend what he thinks? Oh wait, we killed him. And I am holding his severed head," Rosalie says. I'm kind of glad I can't see her right now.

"You know, if you guys hadn't killed Volturi Guys A and B, they would so be shutting you down right now," Volturi Guy F says. "This scene is getting pretty gory."

"Then it's a good thing we killed them, yeah?" Rosalie says. I hear a match striking. So she's playing with fire now. I must admit, as much as I would be losing my stomach contents right now if I had a stomach, I have to admire her technique. "But it's all good. Maybe if you answer some questions for us, we'll put you and your buddy back together. Instead of putting you in the fire."

"I'll never talk!" He spits.

Which is really dramatic and all, but I can't help giving him another look and asking, "You're actually loyal enough to the Volturi to die for them?"

"You know, that's actually a really good point," he says. "So what can I tell you ladies today?"

"Why don't we start with why you felt the need to kidnap Sue's mother?" Rosalie says. "Killing us gets rid of some of your enemies, but kidnapping her serves little purpose. Unless there's something you want from us?"

"Um, yeah," he says, sounding like he really wishes he didn't have to be the one explaining all this. "Well, you know how Aro is, right?"

Who _doesn't? _Aro's one of those people whose reputation proceeds him. And generally causes people to stay far, far away. "I do, in fact," Rosalie says dryly.

"Well, see, he kinda wants Sue. For his collection," Volturi Guy F says. Apologetically.

I make a kind of coughing sputtering noise. Rosalie gives a snort of disgust. "_Why_?" she says. And in a weird way, I'm vaguely insulted by the incredulity in her voice.

"Apparently she's got some freaky power or something," says the Volturi Guy quickly.

Oh. Not quite what I was expecting from Aro. Well, that's not too bad. But what does he mean, power?

And then Volturi Guy f adds, "also, she's kind of young and stuff and Aro mentioned how he was curious about the one who, 'could steal my dear Edward from me.'"

Eew.

"Well, how charming," Rosalie says. "So there are now two things at stake: Sue, and Theme. Am I also correct in assuming that you currently have Theme, disguised as the vampire Kate, in your possession?"

"Yes, Alec took her and Sue's mother. He said he was going to get to a safe location-I don't know where-and from there book a flight to Volterra. He should still be in the city, so if you hurry, you could get to him before he leaves," says Volturi Guy F. "But you'll probably have to defeat Alec if you want them back."

"How fortunate," Rosalie says. "We were planning on doing that anyways. Right then, Leah! Is the fire ready?"

"Indeed it is," Leah says, sticking her head into the room. I feel rather proud of the job I've done in watching the sparkly shreds. They haven't killed anyone while I've been watching them.

"Wonderful," Rosalie says, standing up. "Then let's burn these two then go pay a visit to Alec."

"What?" gasps Volturi Guy F. "But you said you wouldn't kill us!"

"I lied." Rosalie shrugs. "It's been done before. Sue, you grab the other guy while I drag our armless friend over to the fire."

This is kind of macabre, but I think I'm getting used to that. I kneel to gather up the body bits, but before I can, a visitor appears in front of me.

"I won't let you do that, Rosalie."

"Please tell me that's not who I think it is," Rosalie says, without turning around.

"I'm afraid it is," I say.

"Throw a severed arm at him and see if he goes away," she orders. I do. He doesn't.

"You can't run from me forever, Rosalie," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, floating closer to her.

"I kind of can too," Rosalie says, turning finally and placing her hands on her hips. "I do have eternity and all that, and only Emmett to spend it with."

"And the rest of our family!" I chirp. For some reason, that doesn't seem to make Rosalie feel any better.

"You can't kill them," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, following after her as she drags Volturi Guy F into the living room.

"Do I get a say in this?" Volturi Guy F says. "Because I say you _shouldn't_ kill me."

"Look, I have a job to do here," Rosalie says, glaring over at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "And that job involves the removal of all interferences. A category into which the Volturi Guys fall. A category into which you are now falling into quite neatly. Honestly, what is your problem? Who died and made you my conscience?"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley looks at herNot even her irony gets to him, which is kind of weird, because I remember him as a spineless coward that even I bullied. "I'm not just your conscience; right now, I'm acting as the collective conscience of this whole parody. Because let's face it, name one other character in this series that presents a good moral attitude."

"Um, well, Carlisle… oh, well, no, he is kind of a murder and served as Aro's partner at one time," Rosalie's eyes narrow. "In all senses of the word." A collective shiver runs through the room. Even through Volturi Guy F, who is now eying the fireplace with a fair amount of fear.

"See?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "I knew there had to be some purpose to me lingering on this earth after I died in that car accident. And after seeing how cruel and heartless you all were, I finally found it. I'm going to change the world!"

A light begins to come into his eyes. Leah looks a little confused, Rosalie looks a little murderous. I'm a little weirded out, because this is kind of a strange conversation as we're attempting to toss our unconscious prisoners into the fire. And he's _still talking. _

"Well, I say that, but mostly I just am attempting to keep you on a slightly higher moral ground than the Volturi," he says, giving a little spectral shrug. "Which shouldn't be too hard, since Aro is the creepiest of creepers to ever creep, but while you don't play the sex offender angle, you certainly pull off the murderous psychopath angle."

"I just have a job to do, Ghost, which the removal of obstacles. A category into which these fall," Rosalie says, gesturing at Volturi Guy F, slumped at her feet, and the pile of Volturi Guy E, in the next room. "A category, coincidentally, into which you are also falling."

"So violent," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, frowning. He does that quite well. Probably because he's dead. Not too many living souls would try that. "And killing helpless, cooperative prisoners? That's pretty low, Rosalie."

"Hmph," Rosalie snarls, crossing her arms. "It's self-defense. They did break into Sue's house, kidnap her mother, and then try to kill us." Right. My mother. Freaking about about that. Leah rolls her eyes at me.

"We both know that's a lie, Rosalie," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "If it was self-defense, you would have stopped by now. You didn't act to defend. You acted because _you like killing things._"

"A girl needs a hobby," Rosalie says drily. "Particularly when she has eternity to occupy herself. Now, would somebody get him out of the way so I can kill these guys already?"

"No!" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley protests, flying over to float in front of the fire, which is a really effective gesture, I'm sure. (And seriously, as entertaining as this banter is, shouldn't we be _saving _my _mother_? I don't know what I'd do without her, considering the deep and meaningful relationship the book portrays between us.)

"Actually yes," Rosalie says, hefting up Volturi Guy F, who squeaks in a vaguely amusing way.

"So it's come to do this," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighs, before looking directly at Rosalie. "If you are to have any hope of finding Theme and Sue's mother, you cannot do this."

"Not moving me," Rosalie says, dragging Volturi Guy F closer to the fire. (He whimpers.)

"Um," I say.

"Don't you understand?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, shaking his head. "You're chasing after _Theme. _And by the laws of theme, if you become worse than the Volturi, you cannot win."

"What? That makes absolutely no sense," Rosalie says. "You're suggesting that we make our theme, 'We're screwed up, but at least we're better than the Volturi?'" She looks at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley's deadpan expression. "No," she says.

"It's a better theme than, 'submit to your gorgeous sparkly pale boyfriend and you can have your super happy ending with unicorns and rainbows,'" Leah says. Yeah, definitely! Who would want that?

"Or, 'Bow down to the Volturi,'" adds the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Good point.

"No," Rosalie says, a protest now.

"You know what is right, Rosalie," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says placidly.

"I can't believe you," Rosalie tells him, shaking her head. "_I can't believe you."  
><em>

And then Rosalie drops the Volturi Guy, and begins to walk away.

"Oh, hey!" Volturi Guy F says. "Now that the adrenaline from the imminent threat of death has worn off, I suddenly remember that Alec said something about a burned out ballet studio! I bet he's waiting there with the prisioners."

"You're _joking," _Rosalie says. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley mutters something that sounds suspiciously like _karma, _and Rosalie glares at him. _  
><em>

"Oh hey that reminds me, I have to get back to Alice!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "Man, you guys wouldn't believe what is going on there, it's so awesome! But I'll have to tell you later bye!" And then he fades away.

"Have I told you guys how much I hate him? Like, right now, I hate him as much as I do Edward. And I hate Edward a lot," Rosalie says.

"Are we going to go rescue my mom now?" I ask Rosalie and Leah, and there's just a little hint of the _vast sea of panic _I'm experiencing in my voice.

"Yeah, yeah," Rosalie says, "let's just get out of here." She gives my living room a glare like it just killed her dog or something.

"Is it alright to just leave them here?" Leah says, looking down at the armless Volturi Guy F and the pile of Volturi Guy E.

"You know, believe it or not, working for the Volturi really isn't that great of a job," Volturi Guy F says. "In gratitude for sparing my life, I promise I won't try to kill you again. I think E will agree once he pulls himself together."

"_Guys," _I say.

"Fine," Rosalie says to the Volturi Guy. "We're out of here, and you're free to go. Unless you say a word about this to anyone, in which case the fire would love to have you."

He nods quite dramatically, and we make our exit through the window.

* * *

><p>"Ah, memories," I say, looking at the ruined husk of the ballet studio.<p>

"My goodness, Alice really did a number on this place, didn't she?" Rosalie says, inspecting the charred walls.

"That's kind of what Alice does," I say with a shrug. "And Carlisle and Edward were still in the place at the time, too. It was great. I bet we can find James's ashes in there still!"

"As thrilling as that sounds," Rosalie says, "do remember that we have a mission to do here. Leah, now might be the time to go wolf."

"I miss my gun," Leah says with a sigh, but still she darts off for some bushes to go phase in. A few seconds later, a silvery grey wolf rejoins us.

"Alright, then, here's the plan," Rosalie says. "We go in there as stealthily as possible, hopefully taking Alec by surprise, and then when that fails, we really hope that Sue is less useless than she looks. And then when she's not, we wait for the inevitable villain-y taunts and wait for an opening."

"Well, suppose that's better than, 'charge in and hope for the best,'" I say. Trying to be optimistic and all.

So the three of us begin creeping all ninja like into the ruins of the ballet studio. I don't know about the others, but I definitely feel like a ninja. It's pretty sweet. Although, I don't recall Edward ever doing any of this stealthy stuff. Oh well, I suppose different vampires have different ways of doing things, yeah?

We're about to round the corner into one of the practice rooms when Rosalie sticks out an arm, blocking my way forward. Leah edges forward a little to peer out the door beneath Rosalie.

"What is it?" I say in the lightest of vampire whispers. Which is pretty fricking quiet, if you've never heard one before. Rosalie just shoots me a quick look before turning forward again. Apparently, this should be obvious, since there isn't too much to find in a burned out ballet studio.

A moment later though, a voice issues from the room, making seeing mostly unnecessary. "Look," says the voice, sounding like it belongs to a young boy. Except, you know, a vampire young boy. "I just want one ticket for a flight to Italy, along with passage for two oversize bags. Yes, they'll be roughly the size of an adult human female. Surely that can't be too difficult to arrange. No, I won't hold, who do I think I am? I—argh!"

"She put you on hold?" another voice says dryly. This one is older and female, but also vampire. Kate, I assume, the Goddess Theme.

"Yes!" snarls the first voice. That must be Alec. "Honestly, how hard is it to book a flight? Much easier than these idiots make it, that's for sure! And to top things off, Aro had to go and vamp me and my sister while we were still children. No one ever takes me seriously!"

"Such a hard life you have," says Kate. She sounds sarcastic enough to make Rosalie happy. "I'm sure if you were to ungag your other guest, she would pity you too."

"Oh, whatever," Alec says dismissively. "You didn't want to listen to her whining any more than I did. I swear, that woman never shuts up. I sure hope this Sue isn't as chatty, or I'm going to have to ensure I'm never at headquarters at the same time as her." That has to be my mother they're discussing!

I give Rosalie a questioning look, my eyes probably all big and sparkly with the desire to save my mother, and she sighs but then nods. She, Leah, and I all get ready to launch our attack. Although I still don't really know that much about actual vampire fighting. All I've really got is that one should do as much damage as possible.

"You sure complain a lot for a villain," Kate comments.

"Blame Aro for vamping me too early," Alec says casually. "I never matured. Like Peter fricking Pan."

One of Rosalie's fingers goes up. Then another. I wait, tensed, for the third one.

And then her hand freezes.

She doesn't turn around, doesn't look at me, or react when I poke her. I look over at Leah to find her unresponsive too. Which, at this point, I'm pretty sure is _bad._

I look up to find Alec grinning down at me. He has a smile just like his sister's. And his sister's sends people to the floor, writhing in pain.

"Um, hi," I say to him. "I'm looking for my mother. Could you help me find her?"

"No," Alec says. "Haven't they taught you how to banter yet?" he asks me.

"They haven't taught me much of anything, really," I say, getting to my feet. At least I'm taller than the brat. "Except property damage!"

And then I lash out, slamming the wall I was crouching against with my fist. It shatters, already weakened by fire damage, and the wreckage falls on top of us. I quickly shove my way free.

"Ha!" I say. "Take that, Alec, I—"

"Just destroyed a wall," he says, annoyed, popping out of the wreckage of said wall. "And set the pieces falling on your helpless companions. Congratulations. Now, is there anything else you want to do or can I tie you up and take you back to Aro now?"

Crap! So we were at least right in that Aro's freaky mind powers don't affect me. However, we never discussed possibilities in which I was free and also useless.

"Sue!" My mom calls. I look over to see that the wall separating the hallway from the dance room, where the two happy hostages were being kept, also happened to be the wall I just destroyed. I see my mom has somehow managed to gnaw through her gag.

"Oh, uh, hey mom," I say, looking over at her, and the blond vampire who must be Kate. She looks thoroughly unamused with this whole situation.

"Sue I was so worried these mean people kidnapped me and I was so scared and they said they were after you and these guy named Aro wanted you for his collection and the way they said collection made it sound really not good and I was so worried and I'm so glad you're here and not in his collection and why are you sparkling and where's Edward and the short kid in the black cloak is such a meany and—"

Kate body slams her, the best she could manage with her arms and legs tied. She sits back up, blows some hair out of her face, and says to me, "So, you've come to rescue us, huh? Can't say I'm impressed."

"Seconded," Alec adds.

"I'm going to kick his butt, just you wait!" I promise Kate and my mother. "We've totally got a theme right now and everything! We're slightly more moral than the Volturi now!"

"Better, I'll admit," Kate says with a sigh. "However, I don't see how that's going to do you much good here. Why don't you try something along the lines of, hero girl gets really awesome and saves us?"

"Okay," I say, looking back to Alec, "but how exactly do I do that?"

"It's easy enough," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, appearing from thin air. "You simply believe in yourself!"

* * *

><p><em>You know what's better than <em>twilight? _Harry Potter. I got to go to the midnight showing of the last movie, and had tremendous fun. And that hug. _That hug. _  
><em>


	19. Sue Actually Does Something

"Oh look it's you," I say to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Why are you here?"

"I'm taking the part of the wise old sage, who kicks the main character into shape and tells them how to be awesome," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says seriously, floating in mid air beside me.

"No really," I say. He sighs.

"I'm the only one who can teleport, and thus practically the only one who can show up at this point," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "But I'm pretty sure I can talk you through this, so it's all cool."

"Seriously?" Alec says, looking pretty thoroughly ticked off now. "That totally just used up my evil banter time. And I was going to gloat about how much better I was then you, and how I awesome was, and how you were fools for challenging the Volturi, and... but no. Looks like I'm just going to have to skip right to the bashing your brains in part."

And then he charges at me.

"Alright," I say. "I am now engaged in hand to hand combat with a ten year boy. What do you propose I do, oh great sage ghost guy?"

"First off, don't die," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley advises me. Helpful bugger. "But look, you're not going to beat him, because for all he looks like a middle schooler, he is a highly skilled vampire with a couple centuries worth of experience to him. While you really are an eighteen year old girl who is simply copying moves from various video games."

I curse. Are my moves really that recognizable? Oh well. "If I can't beat him, then how do you propose I go about winning this for everyone?"

"Use the force, young padawan," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says serenely.

"What the sith?" I say, dodging another strike from Alec. Man, the brat is _fast_.

"I mean, use your special super magical ability," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "Use it to save the people who actually can kick this kid's butt."

"I'm older than both of you! Combined!" said kid snarls, going for my face. I parry, but his fingernail scrapes along my cheek, drawing blood.

"Well, that's all very nice sounding and all, but I have no idea how to do that," I say. Because honestly, the middle of a fight is not the best time to be suddenly acquiring new abilities. What does he think this is, a shounen anime?

"Character development! C'mon, you can do this. Your only other option is to get really really angry, like it says in the script. Do you really want that?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says.

"Kind of, yes. You know, I'd like to, like, win, and _not_ be sent to join Aro's collection," I say. And plus, if I lose, I lose to a _ten _year old, and how much would that suck?

"Well, unfortunately, it was the threat to your child that made you angry in the script, and I don't think that's going to work here," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says as I leap over a strike from Alec and temporarily take refuge behind the ruined husk of a wall. "The only other thing that could make you that angry would be a threat to Edward."

"Okay, sounds good," I say. "So how do we go about creating such a situation?"

"Edward's kind of in Chicago, so we most likely don't," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, floating along behind me as I go sprinting down the hall, Alec right behind me ("Foolish little girl! Come fight me!" he screams). "Are you just going to hide behind him again? Because I thought that things were supposed to change now that you're a vampire. Before, you at least had the excuse that you were squishy and thus couldn't get involved in vampire fights. But if you can't do this _now_... aren't you just weak?"

What! Me, _weak_? Well, certainly, he's right about the whole being squishy thing, but I've never been weak, have I? I haven't been hiding behind Edward this whole time, _have I_?

(Cue flashbacks through the whole _twilight_ series)

... um.

So this whole time, I've really only existed through my relationship with Edward? Well, _crap. _

That's like two whole years of my life. Good thing I've got all of eternity to learn how to be awesome on my own. Like Rosalie! (Except I don't know if the Ghost of Tyler Crowley would approve of that, but who cares!)

"Seriously, are you alright?" asks that Alec kid, who I now realize has been poking me as I've been standing there inner monologuing/flashbacking. The hallway I was running down apparently circled back to the start, and at some point, I stopped next to the wreckage of the wall from earlier. "This is the weirdest time ever to space out, just saying."

"Alright, I got this," I say ("Wut?" Alec says). And then I grab my magical-mental shield-thing and fling it out towards Rosalie and wolf Leah.

"Why is there a wall on top of us?" Rosalie says as she and Leah batter their way out of the wreckage. "You know what, never mind. So is it Alec's evil banter time yet?"

"Actually…" I say, standing there, holding Alec's wrist to stop him from poking me again. Rosalie and Leah look over. They both look pretty impressively surprised—should I be insulted?

"Wait, no way," Rosalie says. "You actually did this. You _actually _managed to free us?"

"Um," I say. "Yes?"

"Well, who would have guessed it," Rosalie says, shaking her head and walking over to where Alec and I were grappling. "I suppose being surprised by anything anymore is foolish, but still. Miracles and all that."

She grabs a fistful of Alec's black cloak and holds him up in the air. Rosalie's probably got about two feet on the kid.

"You have no idea how insulted I am right now," Alec says.

"And more importantly, I don't care," Rosalie says. "Now, there are plenty of things I could do to you right now. A few hours ago, I would have been starting a campfire with your remains and preparing some s'mores. However, that is apparently frowned upon now, so instead I think I'm just going to stake you to a wall. We'll see how long it takes you to escape. Maybe you can repent your evil ways or something while you're hanging there."

"You know, that's still not really too much better than outright murder," I say, backing away from the fighting, and looking over to my mother, who's staring at us just a tad wide-eyed.

Rosalie shrugs. "This is more mercy than I've ever shown anyone ever. Take what you can get."

"I'll get you all for this!" Alec says as Rosalie ejects her stakes from wrist holsters (nifty! I wonder if I can get ones like that?) and gets to work.

"I'm sure you will," Rosalie says. "Maybe I should toss you in an orphanage next time."

He snarls back at her.

Leah, meanwhile, ducks around the corner and steps back out in her human form. "Perhaps you'd like to help me with the hostages, Sue?" she asks, raising an eyebrow, and I nod and scramble over the wall wreckage towards them. Leah and I quickly undo the ropes.

"Um, so, hey mom," I say as my mom stands up and shakes her wrists. She opens her mouth to speak, but really, no one wants to deal with that. I quickly talk over her. "Yeah, I know things have changed a lot but I think they're mostly for the better now. Mostly. And I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but it's… um, dangerous for you to know and so I can't tell you anything. Unfortunately. Tragedy. So yeah, well, we have important Cullen-y type things to go do. So, um, yeah, bye!"

I grab Leah and Rosalie (who's admiring her still snarling masterpiece) and Kate, and we sprint off. Alright, so maybe leaving my mom in the middle of a burned out ballet studio after her kidnapping with absolutely minimal explanation is not exactly the best thing I've ever done, but hey. You know, even I don't like dealing with her for extended periods of time. Like more than five minutes. There is, after all, a reason I moved to Sporks. Aside from simple masochistic tendencies.

"You guys make a weird rescue party," Kate tells us. "Not that I'm not grateful or anything. I'm just really, really amazed at the fact that you succeeded."

"We are, too," Rosalie says. "Oh yes, we are too."

"I knew it all along!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, appearing next to us. Looks like he never lost his old love of sudden appearances. The only response he gets now though is a bunch of glares.

"Don't think that this means we're cool, ghost," Rosalie tells him sharply. "I still think you are the most obnoxious, annoying, irritating, insufferable, pretentious, preachy, and didactic spirit I've ever had the misfortune of encountering. And I still can and will exorcise you once I get a chance."

"But…" he says, trailing off expectantly.

"But nothing," she says, punctuating her words with a glare. "Now then, Kate, we're fully aware of your role as a super special goddess of the universe and all that fun stuff, and we've struck a bargain with your sister, in which we save all of you and the world and everything, and in return, you guys don't then go and destroy said world. Does that sound like something you can agree to?"

Kate blinks a few times. Some people might call Rosalie a little blunt. But we are almost back to my house and the stolen car in front of it at this point, and she likes to conduct negotiations quickly. Actually, she prefers not to negotiate at all, but that's beside the point.

Finally, Kate just shrugs. "Well, I suppose you guys did just rescue me and all, and it definitely was torture being there with Alec as well as that other crazy hostage. I'll have to hear the details and speak to my sister first, but I might just agree to your deal. If nothing else, you do seem to making some progress. At least you guys are trying to do something right."

"Isn't it wonderful!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "You should have seen them before! I mean, the torture room that Rosalie has in her secret base is_ so_ well equipped-"

"Shouldn't you be off with Alice and Jasper, Ghost?" says Rosalie in an icy voice that really is more threat than reminder.

"Oh, right!" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "Oh, man, you have no idea the sheer _craziness _that is going on there. I mean, it's just so mind-numbingly _incredible _that I—"

"Leave," Rosalie says. "Now." Yeah, that's a little abrupt. Yup, she might have actually kind of listened to him, but I don't think that Rosalie is ever going to be best buddies with the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Besides, you know, he's been getting way too much camera time, considering he doesn't even sparkle.

"'Kay," he sighs. "Well, I'll probably be back later to join in the final battle!" he says, immediately perking up. "Bye!"

And then he fades away before Rosalie can strangle him. Her lip contorts up into a snarl. "One day, Ghost. One day. Everyone in the car!" she barks at us, and we all leap into the car. Even Kate, who looks a little afraid of what she just got herself into. Rosalie slams her door, speeds off, and that's the end of our adventure in Phoenix.

* * *

><p>"Wow," Rosalie says, as we open the door to the Cullen house. "Looks like we're not the first ones back."<p>

The Cullen living room is rather more chaotic than it normal is. Which is saying something, because I've seen plenty of interesting happenings there in the two years (or whatever) that I've known Edward. There's various vampires (that are probably gods in disguise) everywhere, chatting and drinking bottles of blood. Yes indeed, we've got quite the impressive gathering going here. Maybe we won't get our faces totally smashed in by the Volturi. That would be nice.

"Kate, how good to see you!" Tanya calls, walking over to us through the crowd of vampires/gods. "And Rosalie, Leah, Sue! You actually managed to not die! And I felt a surge in my power about... half a day ago? Did you actually manage some character development?"

"_Sue? _She achieved character development?" Don Santa says, walking into the room. Weird. I can't say I was expecting to see him here, of all places. And his beard still looks ridiculous. "Why, this calls for a drink!" he holds up the tray in his hands, which is full of wine glasses that definitely do not contain red wine.

"We've really done nothing but drink since we got here," laughs an unfamiliar dark haired vampiress, sitting on the couch. Judging from the slight flush in her cheeks and the slur to her words, the claim seems to be true.

"Which means we should _drink more_," Don Santa says. "I've got an awesome recipe for super bloody marys that we have to try out."

"Are you all gods?" Rosalie asks. Even she looks a little amazed. I doubt there really have ever been so many vampires gathered together in one place without killing each other. Or killing every human nearby. It certainly does seem that their tastes are the same as ordinary vampires.

…Sometime, I'm going to have to ask Carlisle where he gets all this blood from. Even if I'm pretty sure the answer won't be pretty.

"Yes indeed," Don Santa says in answer to Rosalie's question. "I'm Humor, pleased to meet you." He manages to do a flourishy little bow without spilling his tray of drinks. Yes indeed, miracles never cease. Rosalie raises an eyebrow.

"Excellent," Rosalie says, turning to look over the assembled gods. "I would ask you all to introduce yourselves, except I really don't care and I would probably forget all your names immediately. So I'm just going to refer to you as the literary gods in the future. I'm going to go back to my room now and plot some evil things to make up for any good deeds I may have committed while listening to the ghost of a guy who died crashing a van into Sue. Also, I'm taking this," she grabs one of the glasses off of Don Santa's tray and heads for the stairs.

"Awesome." Leah sighs. "Of course she would just abandon me in the middle of a crowd of vampires. Even if they aren't actually vampires."

"We do a very good job of pretending," Don Santa assures her, passing around his tray. It disappears fast enough.

"Is that the werewolf girl?" A female voice calls from the center of the room. "We were told this belonged to you."

The crowd shifts aside to reveal Seth sitting there on the couch, apparently fast asleep. A half-eaten plate of bacon rests on the table next to him.

Leah slaps a hand to her face. "Man, we totally forgot about him, didn't we?"

"Just a tad. He didn't seem too broken up about it," Carlisle says, emerging from the crowd. "At least, not once we got him bacon. The only reason he's still here is because he has about as much of a life outside of us as Sue does, and he doesn't want to go home because your mom is flirting with Sue's dad."

"Lovely," Leah says, her face a portrait of disgust. (Probably similar to my own expression.) "Putting aside creepy parental relations, I'm so incredibly pleased that Seth's so willing to let his guard down in the middle of enemy territory."

"Oh?" Don Santa says, raising an eyebrow at Leah over his glass of red liquid. "We're enemy territory now?"

"We've got a temporary truce right now, but I keep hoping for Jacob to get his violent urges back. No luck yet," Leah sighs, taking a seat on the couch herself.

"I don't know, you might want to hold off on that sentiment until Jacob's group gets back," Carlisle says.

"They're not back yet?" I ask. Because this could potentially be worrisome.

Carlisle shakes his head. "For that matter, neither are Alice or Jasper. But really, odds are fifty-fifty for Alice and Jasper coming back at all. Edward, Jacob, and Liaf, on the other hand... well, they'll come back, I'm sure. It's just a question of how much damage they manage to do in the meantime."

"Ah," I say, thinking about how much damage they could possibly do to their surroundings and to each other.

It kinda makes my brain shut down.

* * *

><p><em>And tada! Here's the end of Act III. Next week-ACT IV. Duh duh Duuuuuuuuuuuh!<em>


	20. Awesomeness

"_Now then, Aro, perhaps we can be honest with each other?" I say casually, inspecting my manicure and weapon in one glance. Remembering the quick lessons Rosalie gave me on being intimidating, and all. "You've manufactured quite enough conflict already. We're going to take our story back from you, one way or another. So make it easy on yourself, and return Conflict to us. Then we can go home, and you can get back to running the Catholic Church," I allow my face to split into a sneer, "_into the ground."

_"No one insults my popedom!" Aro snarls, taking a few steps forward. But Jane is there, catching his arm before he can inadvertently launch us all into war. _

_ "Aro, sir, please remember that you're only acting as pope because you like the hat. And also the tour groups that you get to eat. You're not even actually catholic. You probably shouldn't let them get you so worked up," she says in a monotone. I would be worried about her taking the sting off my taunt, but I know who I've got watching my back._

_ "Hey, sadist, nice rear—ARGH!" Edward screams as Jane turns her bland expression on him._

_ "I am wearing a cloak. And facing towards you. You can't even see my rear," Jane says flatly, watching Edward scream in response to her powers. And her voice has just the tinest hint of something that might be smugness. _

_ Except then Edward abruptly stops faking his scream and smiles. "Fair enough," he says conversationally, "but I imagine I've probably seen nicer before. Like on Rosalie!"_

_ The cry he gives when Rosalie hits him is entirely unfeigned. _

_ "Next time," I say, too quietly for the Volturi to hear, looking over my shoulder and giving him the small, scary grin that Leah and Rosalie taught me, "I won't shield you."_

_ "Well, well," Aro says softly, recovering from the shock of seeing Jane's powers not working. Jane still looks like she might actually make a facial expression. "Looks like you children have been making use of your time. Talented little creatures. I can't wait to add you to my collection."_

_He pauses for a moment, as if waiting for someone to say something. And then he frowns. "Oh, yes, that's right. You _killed _my mouthy minion. Yes, why don't we count that as your crime instead of the immortal child thing?"_

_I kind of gulp and look over there forces, and back at ours. "For the sake of our old friendship, Aro, give up!" Carlisle shouts, like the little pseudopacifist he is. _

"_Ah, Carlisle, shouldn't I be saying that to you?" Aro says goodnaturedly. "I see that little army you've assembled behind you, full of those who would claim to be gods. But do you honestly trust them? Had we not captured this little thing here," he gestures back to the coffin, "then they would have already destroyed our story. We saved you, and what are we greeted with? Rudeness! Why, I never! Join me, Carlisle, and together we can rule the galaxy—"_

"_As lovers?" Edward sniggered. _

"_Don't be jealous, dear Edward. I would make time for you too," Aro says. _

_A shudder runs through our ranks. Except for Emmett. Who laughs. _

_Weirdo. _

_Tanya, behind me gives a polite little cough. "Forgive me for cutting into such an… engaging conversation, but our black cloaked friends seem to be in possession of information as outdated as themselves. Through their _tenacity—_" by which she means our idiotic stubbornness and sheer dumb luck "—these young vampires have shown us that there is no need for us to destroy their world. This world has changed, old man, so why don't you just go die already?" _

"_We really do corrupt everyone who spends too much time with us, don't we?" Edward says._

"_Not such a bad thing," Rosalie shrugs._

* * *

><p>ACT IV: IRONY AND EDWARD CULLEN<p>

* * *

><p>Okay, Sue's the one with dependence issues, not me. Besides, it's not like there's any reason for me to miss her, now that I can't eat her anymore. I was so busy freaking out about being a father (I hate kids I can't eat) that I didn't even consider how much I would lose by vamping Sue (although, really, I was going to have to do that eventually. Can you imagine the fangirl RAGE we'd get if Sue didn't get vamped at the end? It would be <em>hilarious<em>). Well, too late now to do anything about it, now. And after all, there are plenty of other girls out there for me to… ahem, eat with. Just have to make sure that Sue doesn't find out. Scary vampire wife is bad.

Plus, you know, there are other things I can do with Sue now. Continuously, according to _breaking dawn_ canon. Because I'm sure you definitely want to know about vampire sex lives. Thriving as they are.

_Anyways_, I'm definitely not freaking out as Liaf launches the jet into the air (well, yes, I am, because he definitely should not be flying a jet, ever. He had one flight lesson before joining us, and he never managed to get off the ground. Of course, the wolf and I would probably be worse, so Liaf it is).

"Man, vampire, you don't like being apart from her, do you?" Jacob says, that smug little dog. I mean, honestly, I won! I ground his foolish little snout into the ground, because I got the girl and he _didn't_. So why does he get to be so happy? Mutt. Can't even lose well.

"I am simply worried about what she will get up to in the company of my sister and the wolf girl," I tell him icily, remembering the fact that I am nearly seven times his age. I am superior. Luckily, he does in fact understand my fears there, thanks to his ties to both the wolf girl and Rosalie.

Even with access to his head, I still don't understand the relationship between him and Rosalie. They bonded, I suppose, over those charming attempts on my life. Sounds like the only time anyone would be able to interact with Rosalie.

You know, Carlisle still doesn't believe me when I tell him about that little scheme the dog and Rosalie pulled. Or maybe he just doesn't care.

People are so mean to me.

"Yeah, whatever, Pretty-Boy," Liaf says. Now his thoughts, those you should see. Not quite as bad as Jacob's got there for a while, but still very impressive. Much more tempered, and the violent images more sophisticated. Thoughts can be works of art, too, after all. "You're just upset that Sue's unpregnant now, and she took off too fast for you two to have any fun."

He wounds me. Truly. I certainly was not thinking anything of the sort. Certainly not.

"You're just upset that there's no lady midget vampires around for you," I shoot back. "Except for like, Alice." And no one wants Alice, except for Jasper. Apparently. I'd tell you what their heads were like, but honestly, I try to avoid their thoughts as much as possible. Alice just gives me a headache—she's all bright colors and high pitched noises—while Jasper is just kind of a black hole. With a giant sand worm in the center.

"Should we really be so close to those trees?" Jacob asks a bit worriedly, looking out the windshield of the plane. He's only had the privilege of flying Air Edward once, at my bachelor party. And he spent most of that flight finding creative ways to forget it was my bachelor party. Ah, young love. Crushing it remains the greatest pleasure on earth.

"If you have to ask, you probably don't want the answer," Liaf advises. Sound advice, that. Questions always cause trouble, because you never get the answer you want.

"Oh, good," Jacob says, perhaps just a little paler now, as we snap a couple branches off a passing tree. _Why, why do I keep involving myself with vampires? _His thoughts say. "So, Chicago, huh? That sounds like a completely random place to go."

"Why, yes it is!" I say, not really wanting to give the dog the distraction he's looking for, but also not being able to resist the chance to turn to conversation towards myself. "It is also a completely random place for me to be born! In fact, if the author wasn't having so much trouble thinking of random places to send us, there would be absolutely no reason for us to go there!"

"What are you talking about?" Jacob asks, raising an eyebrow at me. He's no longer looking out the windows. Tragic.

"Oh, nothing at all," I say, with just the perfect amount of innocence and mystery. Man, I'm so awesome. I'd tell you the ladies agree, but I've killed almost all the ones who would know. "I actually really don't know anything about the city, since I haven't been there for like a hundred years. However, I am relatively certain that there are bars there, and that's probably all we need."

Jacob rolls his eyes at my last comment. "So who is this Irony guy pretending to be, anyways?" He asks, probably trying to be the goody-goody and focus on the task at hand.

"Oh hey look at that bird," I say, pointing out the window. Jacob's head swivels and then immediately snaps back when he sees that, if anything, we've gotten closer to the trees. Haha, sweet success.

"I hate you," he groans.

"Irony is currently taking the form of the vampire called Garret, who is currently unaffiliated with any coven," I say, flipping through the cute little dossier Tanya fixed me up with. (Speaking of Tanya, man. I was married to her for like two whole days, and she never even told me that she was a god intent on destroying our world because she didn't think I was a good enough character? And she didn't even love me enough to attempt to kill Sue at the wedding? Hmph.) "The Volturi apparently thought his power would be particularly effective against us, and thus sent out some of their best people to find him. Among the forces are one Demetri, a rather skilled tracker, and one Jane, a rather skilled sadist." I can vouch for that one myself.

"I'm guessing that we'll probably end up fighting them sooner or later?" The dog says, still determinedly not looking out the windshield. Hohoho, what joyful opportunity. And Jane thinks she's a sadist, does she? Well, actually, she doesn't, I just call her that, but _still_.

"Well, it would be rather pointless for me to inform you that they are going to be hunting the same quarry as us, and then for us to never see them, yes?" I say to the wolf. One. Two. Three. "Oh my god Liaf, watch out for that huge building we're going to smash into!" I scream.

Liaf swears, swerves and hits a tree (because we're still in the middle of the forest, meaning there really aren't any trees around), while Jacob screams and grabs _my _arm. Which is less than desirable, because he's a guy and _I like women, _contrary to what Aro thinks. Not to mention those annoying gossipy teenage girl things. Shudder.

I really have to think of something better to do than to keep going through high school over and over again. I entirely blame that environment for any minor flaws that I may exhibit now. Before all that, I was a really great guy, all sweet and nice and crap. Really. You would have loved me. Of course, you would still love me. Or you would _die._

"What the hell, vampire?" Jacob growls, presumably to cover up him abruptly dropping my arm and scooting away. Since he's thinking _oh dear god I hope no one saw that. _

"Sorry, false alarm," I say, shrugging. "It seems I'm not the only jumpy one though, eh, dog?"

He glares back at me. "You know, vampire, Sue's not here to protect you."

"Go on, try and kill me," I say, taunting, because _no I don't need my wife to protect me, thank you very much. _I was killing long before this pup was even born.

"You know, Pretty-Boy, this is your jet I'm flying here," Liaf says. I don't think he even knows my real name. "If I crash it, you're the one who's paying for it."

Actually, Carlisle is, but still, I've mentioned how elegantly violent Liaf's thoughts are already, so I decide it's best to not press the issue. I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to try Liaf's patience on later occasions.

"Besides," Liaf continues, "weren't we in the middle of attempting to do something productive and discussing our mission in Chicago?"

"Oh right," I say. Drat. I hate being productive. Which is why I do it so rarely. "So yes, we've got the Volturi Guys and good old Sir Irony wandering around Chicago, and that's the extent of our information. We need to kill the first and procure the assistance of the second."

"So how are we going to do that?" The wolf asks. Because clearly I know everything. (I know _almost _everything.)

"We set a trap, of course!" I say with a grin. Both Liaf and the dog give me surprised looks (although I'm pretty sure Liaf would do much better if he kept his eyes on the airspace), and their thoughts are astoundingly amazed that I actually sound like I know what I'm talking about. How foolish of them, to doubt me.

"Set a trap?" the dog says, challenging now. "How do you propose we do that? We don't actually have anything they want. Unless you're thinking of offering your body to that Aro dude."

Now that sets me to shuddering for a good five minutes. The dog is a little grossed out by that idea himself, but is mostly being a smug jerk because he doesn't know what kind of _painful _and _traumatizing _memories his statement evokes within me. But I, with my typical grace, manage to recover my composure and shake my head.

"No, no, my foolish and slightly slow canine companion, consider for a moment just who it is that we're chasing," say I.

"Irony," he says, giving me that look that suggests he really has no interest in going along with my games. Sadly, that seems to be the general opinion. Much tragedy is my life.

"Exactly," I say, "which means this act is going to be filled with so much irony that we're going to be drowning in it. Which means that no matter what we do when we get to Chicago, Irony will find us, because _Irony is always watching_."

"Which means what?" _You psycho, _he finishes mentally.

"Which means that when we get to Chicago, we are going to go find us a nice bar full of pretty girls that aren't my wife, and we are going to enjoy ourselves until Irony shows up and it all goes to hell." Simple, really. I wonder why I am the only one who ever thinks of these things.

"Good of plan as any," Liaf says, cutting off whatever Jacob was just about to say. The dog is not as experienced in these matters as we are, and clearly does not understand the opportunity that has been presented to us. He's thinking something along the lines of, _That is the worst plan ever shouldn't we do something that will actually work? _

We could, of course, but then this wouldn't be _twilight,_ now would it?

So Liaf lands the jet on a private airstrip (well, more next to it, but the jet didn't roll over completely, so I'm happy. The dog looks like he's about to lose everything he has consumed in the last week, though), and we go to catch a cab to bring us to a hotel. Not that Liaf or I actually need the room, it's just convenient to have a place to stay, and change into my going-to-a-bar-to-feed-on-drunk-chicks outfit. It's nice, dark, and stain resistant. And I look pretty sexy in it too.

That being done, we grab the dog and drag him out the door and down the street to the bar we picked out on the way here. Suitably seedy looking—we are creatures of the night, after all. And I'm sure that it can't be worse than that bar back in Sporks. At least there will most likely be no lumberjacks here.

"Ooo, lovely," Liaf says, whistling appreciatively as he takes in the décor. Low lighting, smoke filled interior, lots of leery glares—just our kind of place. Well, kind of. A lot of people are not appreciating my charming clean cut looks (and also underage, but whatever). And they're making fun of my hair. Just because it's such a beautifully fabulous shade of bronze, people gotta hate on it. Oh, woe is me.

Nonetheless, I stride right up to the bar like I fricking own the place (which I very well might: operating seedy bars on Carlisle's money is one of my hobbies). Jacob and Liaf follow behind me, and I resist the urge to laugh as Liaf hops up onto his barstool. I know from experience that he does not appreciate people making fun of him for being vertically challenged. Even if making fun of those less fortunate than me is also one of my hobbies.

"Vampire, do you really think this is a good idea?" Jacob hisses, seeing all the glares aimed our way. "If nothing else, there's the fact that you look seventeen, I _am_ seventeen, and Liaf is like three feet tall."

Liaf kicks him in the shin. The bone probably cracks a little, but he heals fast. I'm not particularly worried.

"Please, do you really think I left home unprepared for this eventuality?" I say, with a shake of my head and a beautiful flourish of fake ids with my right hand. "You're actually twenty seven, my good friend Remus Lupin," I say, handing him the fake ID with his face on it.

He looks it over. "This name," he says, staring at the card. He doesn't seem as angry as he could be. He was probably expecting worse. Which I could fully deliver, but I was going with a theme here.

"Why, yes of course," I say, taking my own id and handing the other to Liaf. "You of course remember me, Cedric Diggory, and our friend Dobby."

"Dobby?" Liaf says, taking the id. "My name is Dobby?"

"Yes," I say. Interestingly enough, his thoughts have gone completely blank. Somehow, I cannot feel this to be a good sign.

"I see," he says. Five seconds later, I have fallen off my stool and appear to have lost an arm. Hmm. Distressing.

"What can I get you fellas?" The bartender asks, shambling over in our direction. Authentic looking guy. He's even got an eyepatch.

"Something strong, please," Jacob says. The bartender doesn't even look at his fake id, just stumps off to go get the drink.

"I see you kept that wand you took from the _Harry Potter _universe," I observe, seeing as Liaf has it in hand, and it is still smoking from the blast that separated my arm from my body. I really should have seen this coming. People always lose their arms in bars.

"Oh, so I did," Liaf says. "I probably can fix that, if you just give me your arm."

"No thank you," I say, because I know full well he doesn't have the slightest idea how to go about doing that, and I want to remain in one piece. And not turned into a frog or something. The idea crossed his mind. I regain my bar stool, and through a lot of tricky maneuvering and some very skilled applications of my teeth, I manage to tape my arm back to my shoulder. It hardly looks like anything is wrong once I put my sleeve back in place. The fingers are still a little twitchy, but certainly that can be used to my advantage.

Our canine companion now seems well on his way to getting drunk. I suppose I really shouldn't have brought him to a bar, considering he is underaged and all and has had quite enough trauma in his life with me adding to it, but morality's never really been my strong point, and the kid just keeps thinking, _thank god for booze, _so I figure I'm justified.

Besides, some of the cute ladies down the bar keep eyeing him, and I figure he serves quite well as _bait. _To be perfectly honest, he actually looks older than me (freaky weird aging crap) and he is like two feet taller (freaky weird growth spurt crap). Apparently there are some ladies who value those traits over bronze hair and sheer sparkling _perfection. _Not many, you understand, but some. And in those cases, having a highly intoxicated werewolf lure is just dandy.

"So you look like you're totally forgetting the reason why we came here," Liaf says, taking a sip from a glass that yes, does contain human blood. Did he bring it himself, or did I just make a really good choice of bar? This requires further investigation.

"Please, Liaf, I don't forget." I forget to remember. "I just never cared in the first place."

"That sounds about right," he says, and takes a sip of his blood.

And the night is young, yet.

* * *

><p><em>I heart Edward perspective. In spite of (or because of) him being a total jerk. And really dramatic, evidently.<em>

_I really should have put this into first person ages ago, because narrators like Edward and Jacob make my life so much easier. _


	21. Oh The Irony

"You realize that we're all too drunk now to do anything about either the Volturi or Irony if they were to show?" Liaf asks me. At least, I'm pretty sure it's Liaf. The only people who ask annoying sarcastic pointless questions like that are Liaf and Rosalie, and I'm pretty sure it's not a woman in front of me. I scared all the women out an hour ago. And most of the men, too. In fact, pretty much everyone seems to have left except for me, the annoying person in front of me, and one giant lump in the corner that I suspect was the dog at some point or another.

"Of course I do," I say, "that was my intention all along." It very well might have been. I'm devious like that. However, I have forgotten to remember the reason I felt that we should get so terribly blasted in the middle of our secret mission. Probably my antisocial personality disorder acting up again, oh dear. I am so terribly remorseful.

"You just wanted to get out of doing work, didn't you, Pretty-Boy?" the charmingly shrill little blur thing in front of me says. Which I am now nearly positive is Liaf. Unless some dude is trying to hit on me through the use of diminutives.

I don't actually know the answer to his question, but that does sound like me, so sure, why not? "Hey, I do find that problems tend to solve themselves when I ignore them." Kind of. Liaf's thinking of a fair number of counter examples too. Like the interdimesional travel events. And all my various debacles with Sue.

"That probably doesn't say anything good about your problem solving skills," Liaf grunts, walking over to kick Jacob awake. Ah, good old fashioned methods.

"You should see my problem creating skills, though!" I say, blaming liqueur laced blood for making my voice sound so dreadfully bright. Although, going off Liaf's thoughts, he _has_ seen plenty of problems I've skillfully created. He just lacks appreciation for my art.

"I'll pass, thanks. Now why don't you get your sparkly self over here and drag the dog back to the hotel? You're the one who keeps taking him to places like this even though he's underage," Liaf says. It's a mark of the place that the bartender doesn't even blink at the comment. Of course, considering the large amount of Carlisle's money that has now found its way into his pockets, I'm not terribly surprised.

I step gracefully off my bar stool (certainly not staggering like a drunken lout, oh no, not me, never) and make my careful way over to Liaf. I manage to somehow maneuver Jacob into something resembling a proper dragging position (I'm dead sure that these wolves are doping. Perhaps I'll plant evidence to that case in the dog's house and then send good old Chief Swan in sometime when the world isn't ending. Vengeance, you know) and motion Liaf to the door. Certainly, I am not going to be opening a door with two hundred pounds of wolf occupying my attention.

Except, before I can get there, the door opens by itself, and in walks our good friend Irony.

(I think.)

"Hello there, I was just wondering—" he begins to ask that delightfully amicable bartender of ours, except then he catches a glimpse of our little party and looks all pale and freaked out and stuff. "Bye," he says, quite politely, before turning tail and running for all he's worth.

"Not so fast, now," I say, still drunk and happy and all, and then I throw the lump of dog I'm dragging at him in a quite remarkable display of my wonderful vampire strength. The dog hits him better than any brick ever could, and he's down.

"Excellent way of securing his assistance, Pretty-Boy," Liaf says, running forward towards our kindly little god. I must agree, after all, because I am really quite the genius.

"Dear sweet god, this thing is heavy," Irony groans as Liaf and I stop beside him. "And it smells like wet dog."

"Close," I say, "it's actually drunk dog."

"If you guys are with the Volturi, then please, screw off already," Irony says, casting a red eyed glare up at us that is oh-so-intimidating, considering it comes from under a quite unconscious werewolf. Ah, threats. They're so cute.

"I'm really rather insulted that you would group us with the Volturi," because honestly, does he see us wearing black cloaks? We have vastly superior fashion sense, "but even if we were, I feel that we have the slightly stronger position in this negation." Slightly.

"You can't blame me for being suspicious, man," says Irony, attempting to struggle into a more dignified position before realizing that that simply is not in the cards right now and just laying there. "I mean, wouldn't you be running from the Volturi if they were after you? I've seen what kind of things they do."

That makes two of us. Although, going off his thoughts, he hasn't seen half of what I have, and he's already traumatized. The Volturi have a way of doing that to people.

"Well, lucky for you, Pretty-Boy and I are not just not-Volturi," what an elegant sentence, there, Liaf, "but we're in the middle of actively opposing them. We're rounding up gods right now to help us defeat them in a super dramatic battle that will _actually happen_." As opposed to one that _wouldn't _actually happen. Come now, Liaf, who would write chapter and chapters of set up for a battle that didn't actually happen? _Alright, everyone, let's all go home now? _Ridiculous.

"Oh, how interesting," Irony says. "Why did you throw your companion at me?"

"It seemed like a good conversation starter," I say with a shrug. That, and the fact that I am flat out wasted. "Regardless, it seems that we have interests in common, so perhaps we can at least start having a civil conversation?"

"Works for me," Irony says. "Now, could someone please get the drunk dog off of me?"

"Sure," Liaf says, and begins kicking the dog in the side until he grunts and rolls over. Oh, man, what a lightweight. I probably drank as much as him (even if my source was a little secondhand) but you don't see me getting a broken rib and not even waking up. I offer Irony a hand up, since Liaf is a little inadequate for the job.

However, before he can quite get his balance, I nail him as hard as I can, right across the face. A beautiful right hook. Knocks him straight back to the ground.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Liaf says, observing our new friend and his predicament, "but you really suck at diplomacy, Pretty-Boy."

"I said a long time ago that I would kill Irony if I ever met him," I say with a shrug. "I feel under the present circumstances that that would be counterproductive, and so I felt that punching him was the next best option."

Liaf slaps a hand to his face. It seems to be a gesture people use a lot around me. Along with this one other gesture. "Alright, time to get you back to the hotel room to sober up."

"You know that won't make me any less annoying," I tell Liaf. Irony, meanwhile, is sitting up and swearing and looking generally displeased at life.

'Yes, I know," Liaf says with a sigh. "But I'm still waiting for you to be sober enough to realize you're wearing women's clothing. That will at least give me something to laugh at."

Oh dear, I do appear to be in someone's minidress. I wonder how that happened. I'm also a little curious about what became of my going-to-a-bar-to-feed-on-drunk-chicks outfit. Certainly, there's no one else that can pull it off as well as me. I imagine I'll be rather distressed by this turn of events later, but I don't find I care much at this particular moment.

"You guys are crazy, you know?" Irony tells us, getting to his feet on his own this time. I do love it when people learn not to trust us.

"You have to be pretty crazy yourself, you know," Liaf says, prodding me over to the dog, presumably to resume dragging him. "You are Irony, after all."

"Yeah," he says, with a casual shrug. "Some people might say that. It seems that you three, despite being a bunch of drunken psychopaths, have done your homework. The name, however, is Garrett."

"Whatever you, say, Irony," Liaf says, because sometimes he can be annoying like that. "Why don't you follow me back to where we're staying, and we can put these two to work facing the consequences of their actions, while you and I discuss the current situation."

Hmm. That sounds ominous somehow. Nonetheless, I shoulder the wolf and began dragging him after our friends back to the hotel.

* * *

><p>So several hours later, I am very much regretting my previous courses of action (which by this point, is actually a pretty familiar routine) and very not happy that I seem to have ended up in women's clothing again. And someone who I suspect may be short and evil and now in possession of a very short life expectancy has taken it upon himself to hide the rest of my clothing so that I am now hungover and unhappy and stuck in an orange flower printed minidress. Probably just jealous of how well I pull this off.<p>

Even if I generally would not choose to wear it.

The wolf isn't too much better off, although he seems to have retained his original clothing (I suppose no one was going to go tearing his shirt off, since _he never wears one that jerk_). He too appears to be generally feeling regret, probably for listening to me. He certainly wouldn't be the first one to feel that way.

"Dear god, why do we engage in so much rampant drinking in this parody?" Jacob groans from the bathroom of our hotel room.

"Because it makes this drivel easy to write?" suggests Garrett, sitting on _my _hotel bed. I glare at him from the chair.

"What?" Jacob says.

"Nothing," Garrett says. "Alright, so your little friend here has explained to me everything that's happened with Tanya and the agreement you've made with her." Liaf, who had turned to regard the television, takes the little comment less than well. In fact, I'm relatively certain that he would be turning Garrett inside out if he wasn't fairly important to our plan to avert the destruction of life as we know it and thus is on our very (_very_) short list of people we do not want to offend. Short, of course, because it's next to impossible for us to avoid offending people. "Now, obviously, I'm all up for helping you guys save Conflict considering she's my comrade and all and her sister is really, really, hot—"

"Which sister are we talking about now?" I interrupt, because this conversation now seems to be veering into my area of expertise and thus I actually have a reason to care.

"Well, Conflict-or Irina, as you might know her-has two sisters," Garrett says, looking over at me. "Tanya, and Kate, Goddess of Theme. And I definitely would not be adverse to _discussing themes_. If you know what I mean."

"Oh, is that so?" I say. "My wife is in the middle of tracking Theme down right now."

"Is that a good thing?" Garrett asks. Considering what he's seen of us, it's probably a valid question. Considering what I know of dear Sue…

"Probably not," I say with a shrug. "My sister and the wolf's girl are with her, and that also probably does not help." And no, I am certainly not thinking about what those scary, scary, women things could be teaching my sweet little Sue who is supposed to do everything I say. _Shudder._

"Oh god, I don't want to think about Leah right now!" Jacob says, his voice seemly locked into groan-mode. Mine would be too, if I was with that wolf girl. she's another one of those violently minded people.

"Anyways," Liaf says, turning away from the television and looking like he's getting another one of those vampire headaches that seem to be an unavoidable part of hanging with us, "now that we've found you, Garrett, we can head back to Sporks."

"And we didn't even have to fight the Volturi!" The dog says, walking into the room apparently for the sole purpose of giving me the I'm-right-and-you're-wrong-so-I'm-going-to-rub-it-in-your-face-because-I-don't-like-you look.

I get that one a lot.

"Not so fast, my slightly bizarre new friends," Garrett says, holding his hands up. I shoot the wolf the premature-bro look, maybe flavored with a little triumph. "See, I like the sound of what you're doing and all, but you'll forgive me if I maybe have some doubts as to your competence in completing these matters."

Now, here's where I would get all indignant and shout how "nobody insults our competence!" But I'm only that much of a liar when there's a pretty woman involved.

"You're forgiven," Liaf says dryly. "Now can we move on?"

No, Liaf, that would be silly. "What I'm proposing is a little test," Garrett says, giving us a little smile that you know is bad news because nobody here smiles like that for any good reason. "It should be easy enough for a group of would be world savers such as yourselves." He's sending us on a sidequest, isn't he? I _hate _sidequests. "If you guys can get rid of the Volturi following me, then I'll consider you to be lucky enough of idiots to have a chance at not totally getting me killed."

"And if we refuse to go hunt the sadist down?" I say (and definitely do not whine) because really, dealing with sadists is usually not my idea of fun.

"Then you guys can go face the Volturi without Irony on your side," he says with a shrug. "Your choice."

Why that dirty little… I glare at him, but really, what kind of choice is that? Without Irony, I'd probably be dead a thousand times over. And probably _wouldn't _have almost died a thousand times over, but that's beside the point. Looks like I'm an effing sidequester now.

"Fine, fine, we accept your terms." Liaf sounds as exasperated as me. "And how do you propose we find these Volturi?" Because I'm guessing he doesn't just want to go sit in another bar waiting for them to show up. Tragic.

Good sir Irony simply looks at his watch. "I'm pretty sure they'll be showing up here shortly. Tracking me, and all." Oh, of course. How good of him to give a little heads up. We probably would have had to fight them regardless of whether or not we agreed to his deal. See, this is why I hate talking things out—it just wastes time before we get to the fighting.

Just then, the door bell rings and a monotone voice calls out "Room service!"

I only dignify that with a roll of my eyes. Considering the wolf appear to be attempting to turn his stomach inside out, I think it's safe to assume he did not order anything to eat. And considering that all the other inhabitants of the room are vampires, we likely did not order anything to eat. I can only assume the message the sadist is trying to send here is _look at how incompetent we can be and we're_ still_ going to capture you_.

What a cute little girl.

"Go away, Sadist," I call, "I don't want to deal with you right now."

Liaf pinches the bridge of his nose. "Pretty-Boy, would it kill you to stop being counterproductive right now?" Pfft, counterproductive. I'm being _honest_.

Sadist, meanwhile, kicks the door down and turns her little sadist glare on me. And yeah, the whole writhing on the floor in pain thing I could do without, but it's totally worth it just to keep calling her that.

Besides, it takes my attention away from the hangover headache.

"Cullen," she says, once I finish begging and pleading and all that really embarrassing stuff I always do when I'm being tortured. I grasp at the couch to pull myself up. "We've come for the god. But since you're here, as per your habit of showing up at the worst possible place, we might as well take you into custody too." Behind her comes that Demetri jerk, along with two generic Volturi Guys. Oh how fun.

"What a tempting offer, Sadist," I say. Cue return of torture, more gasping and screaming, offering to sacrifice Esme to her if only_ please god make it stop_, and then more clinging to the couch for support. "Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass," I say, in a truly impressive recovery of my dignity. You have no idea.

"You have to have some kind of brain, Cullen, or you would have ceased breathing years ago and made my life so much better," Sadist continues in her charming little monotone. "Use it, for once. Do you really think this is a fight you can win?"

Well, now that she mentions it, our pal Garrett there is standing back, his arms crossed—clearly saying that he's not going to get involved in this little game because of his delightful little test. So we're outnumbered. The wolf has staggered to his feet, but he's still looking a little green around the gills. Liaf's fine, but I must attest to not necessarily being in the best shape myself, what with the hangover and getting hit twice now by the Sadist power. Which is, by the way, another advantage on Jane's part. I can read their minds of course, but it doesn't do me too much good. Jane is just thinking about how she's going to nail me with her stupid ability once the fight starts, and the others are thinking about tearing our limbs off. Oh, what's that the Sadist is thinking?

"We can't use holy water?" I gasp. Mostly for effect, but Liaf swears, his hand already on his holster.

"Why not, Pretty-Boy?" he demands. Sadist answers him, however.

"Aro unholyed the water. Tragic for you guys," she says with a shrug. "Now, I think it's unconditional surrender time, yes?"

Why yes, it probably is. However, I've never been much of the accepting-unconditional-surrender type. In general, actually, I'm more the run-away-and-let-it-burn type. Maybe I can offer Jacob up as some kind of distraction? Not necessarily the most noble, but, you know, _like I care_. Of a greater concern is what Aro will do to me if I let Sadist capture me here.

I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be pretty at all.

"Well, Pretty-Boy, what do you think we should do?" Liaf mutters. Now, if I answered _sacrifice Jacob_...?

Only then Jacob goes and pins my arms behind my back and says to the sadist, "I can totally trade my life for his, right?"

Suddenly that punch I gave Irony doesn't seem anywhere near enough.

* * *

><p><em>You know, Edward probably has more justification than anyone for being mentally off. Hearing the thoughts of everyone around you, constantly, has got to take a real psychological toll. <em>

_Especially in a public high school._

_Meanwhile, I probably had a little too much fun writing drunk Edward and I should probably apologize for this chapter. _

_So, um, sorry.  
><em>


	22. Suprises Which Are Not Always Good

Sadist looks shocked. And by shocked, I mean her eyebrows rise slightly. "Dissension among the ranks?" she says in her slightly less monontone voice. "Unexpected. I thought we were the only ones who were rife with traitors."

"To be fair, half of our people are your deserters," Liaf says, tossing Sadist a shrug. "We're not exactly known for our loyalty. And Jacob and Edward are sworn rivals, after all. Like in the pokemon games. But still, I thought we'd gotten over that."

"Yeah," that traitor of a mutt says with a shrug, as he brings a stake up to point at my neck. "But you know, that doesn't mean I actually like the guy. This way, not only do I not have to fight outnumbered and outmatched against the Volturi, but I also get rid of one of the most annoying and narcissistic vampires on the planet."

"How could you, Jacob!" I say, using all the skills I learned while I was on Broadway (long story—a few years back) to sound innocent and betrayed. "You're like a brother to me, and yet you—"

He jabs the stake into my arm—which _yes_, does hurt, thank you very much—before returning it to my neck, sighing, and saying, "You were eyeing me the whole time Jane was asking for unconditional surrender. You would do the same to me in a heartbeat if you had the guts."

But… but…

Sniffle. I don't like evil Jacob.

"My, it looks like you actually hurt his feelings," Sadist observes, joy practically oozing from her monotone voice and expressionless face.

"More like his pride," the stupid dog says in a disgusted tone of voice. "He likes being the evil one. Or the anti-hero or whatever. Maybe we should just think of it this way, Pretty-Boy. It's justice. I couldn't kill you, but I can sure make you wish you were dead."

Justice? JUSTICE?

_Pretty-Boy?_

Sadist clears her throat and steps forward. "Hmph. You are a werewolf, are you not?" Sadist says, inspecting that fiendish, traitorous mutt holding me with a critical eye. Probably just fixing this scene into her perfect vampire memory. "It seems your kind is more intelligent that we gave you credit for. If you attempted to escape from us, it would be a simple matter for Demetri to relocate you. And then for me to…_ teach_ you better. However, we have no grievance with you, wolf, in particular, and so I will gladly let you go in exchange for Edward. You are free to go after you help us bring your former comrades to our hideout."

"Alright then, lead away," the filthy dog says cheerfully. Sadist gestures to the two generic Volturi guys before walking over to the door. That stupid smug face Demetri shoots me one last mocking grin before following on her heels.

One of the Volturi Guy walks over to Liaf, stake in hand. Liaf doesn't quite look thrilled to be captured, though he has far less torture to look forward to at the hands of the Volturi than I do. He might even be able to find a place in their whole new world order thing, seeing as the Volturi have always been good at finding work for _psychopaths. _

Which yes, does include myself at one point, but that was before I knew how _evil and heartless _of an organization they were.

Actually, that's a lie. It was before I was at the receiving end of the evil and heartless part, but regardless I have seen the error of my ways _and no, no, dear god no, they can't make me go back to that, back to _Aro.

"Man, you must really not want to go back to the Volturi," the idiot dog says to me, giving my neck a poke with his stake. "You're inner monoguing worse than Sue right now."

"You have no idea the kind of things Aro will do to me!" I plead—with dignity, of course, though I must admit to being a little strained by my complete and utter _panic_. "I'm too pretty to go back there!"

"Why don't you get your pretty self _moving_," that disgusting and amoral dog tells me dryly, prodding me over to the door. "Sorry, vampire, but if you seriously expected that everything between us would be cool just because I got Leah, you're almost as stupid as you look. Besides, this business with the gods was chancy at best, and now I've gone at got myself a place in the Volturi's new world order. Lucky me, huh?"

"Dogs are supposed to be loyal, aren't they?" I say in what is far too stoic and manly of a tone to be considered a wail as I am cruelly paraded down the hall towards the elevator. "Why are you the traitor?"

"Irony," that scum that is too scummy to even be considered a dog says simply.

"Cute," says good sir Irony himself, who has a stake to his own throat courtesy of one of the Volturi Guys. "By the way, you guy are doing a really crappy job of keeping up your end of the bargain."

"You have no idea how much I hate you," I say to Irony as the elevator arrives. "Almost as much as this son-of-a-laser-tuna mutt."

"_Laser shark,_" hisses the oddly ancestored animal as he prods me into the elevator. "My ancestors were laser sharks, and I am fricking proud of it."

"I had forgotten what a lively bunch all of you are," Jane says flatly as the elevator hurtles us down. "I am thrilled that I will be seeing you around Volterra from now on. Out of curiosity, Edward, do tell me where you got that dress."

"Wha—" I say, before glancing down and realizing that why yes, I am still in the orange flower printed minidress from my drunken escapades. Son of a— "This isn't even irony anymore. This is just life taking cheap shots at me."

"To be fair, your life could be so much worse," Irony says conversationally as we exit the elevator. "You could be a child in Africa, who lost your mother to AIDS and your father to war. You could have struggled for several years to scavenge scraps of food for you and your younger siblings, often going hungry, until one day you were drafted into the army to become a child soldier—"

"Seriously, like you're not annoying enough," I say, cutting him off. "And stop trying to make me put things in perspective. I lost the ability to do that about the time I started lighting fires of hundred dollar bills for the fun of it."

"My mistake, then," Irony says. "I'll let you go back to enjoying your karma."

Oh, yeah, karma. Something else I need to punch in the face. Or kill. Maybe I could kill Irony and say it was necessary in order to stop the Volturi from getting their hands on him?

But yeah, so anyways, our whole strange little parade heads out of our fancy hotel and climbs into the limo the Volturi have parked out front. After a long, fairly uncomfortable ride—in which Sadist quite politely offers the vile mutt-thing refreshment, and quite pointedly does not do the same for me—we arrive in front of some random unmarked building that I assume has a lovely basement that will be my home for however long it takes for Aro to wipe out the remaining resistance from my family and then come to collect Irony and I. How wonderful.

I'd almost just let the dog impale me through the throat and just end it already, but that's too much like something he would do.

"Alright, move along," Sadist says, ushering us out of the limo and into the shady unmarked building. In true evil doer fashion, the entryway is worn down and half lit, the lightbulbs flickering wildly in dusty glass fixtures.

"I will take him now," Demetri says, walking over to me. The dog steps off to the side to allow him to start tying a rope around my wrists. Only then the dog's hand flashes out and all of the sudden there's a syringe sticking out of Demetri's neck. In the next second he collapses and falls to the floor.

"So I'm slightly confused," I say, as everyone in the room just stares dumbly for a minute.

Then that fairly surprising dog drops the stake from my neck and throws it at Sadist. "Run!" he shouts, grabbing my arm and _pulling_, with what has got to be all his little werewolf strength.

I'm still slightly confused, but I take off after him. We dart out into the streets of Chicago, Garrett and Liaf hot on our heels.

We then go through a really exciting chase sequence and all that I totally would describe if I actually cared, but to make a long story short, the dog and I end up panting in an alley while we wait for the rest of our group to catch up. Liaf can't run as fast, you know, 'cause of his short little legs, but he has this knack for losing pursuit that is granted only to those tiny enough to fit into spaces meant for mice. The Volturi won't be catching us anytime soon—those black cloaks of theirs are seriously not suited for sprinting. Not like my minidress is.

"What _was _that?" I say, once I've recovered my breath—or remembered that I don't need to breathe. One of the two.

"In the syringe?" the dog asks, straightening. "Just a little poison Rosalie and I developed back in the day. It has the effect of knocking vampires out for a good three to five days. We don't have to worry about being tracked by Demetri for a while. Unfortunately, it's vaguely difficult to produce, so that one vial was all we had."

"What's it made out of?" Knowing Rosalie, infant blood. Oh, wait, we actually have a lot of that.

"A combination of her and my spit," the dog says conversationally.

"Wow, that's got to be the grossest thing I've ever heard," Irony says, walking into our alley and dusting himself off. Liaf comes right behind him, grumbling about how he could have just died in that alley all those years ago and then he wouldn't have to deal with all these psychopaths.

"Imagine it being injected into your bloodstream," that still obnoxious and apparently triple crossing dog says. Also, _ew. _I wish I could see Demetri's face when he hears he had that particular combination in his veins.

"Not thinking about that," Liaf says, with the stony face of forced denial. "Anyway, wolf, would you please explain what in Irony's name you just pulled?"

"Oh, yeah, right, the whole betrayal thing," Jacob says with a shrug. "Um, as you might have picked up by now, I was totally faking that."

"Good. Then I'll only have to break one of your kneecaps," Liaf says. See, and the funny thing is, he's dead serious. "Now explain to me why Pretty-Boy didn't know this." Oh, right, I'm a mind reader. Which could potentially make me an interesting character, if the only way it was ever significant in twilight was in that I _couldn't _read Sue's mind and thus found her interesting or some junk like that.

"Well, probably because I wasn't faking my intense hatred of him," the dog says with a shrug. "I'd love to turn him into the Volturi, especially now that I've seen the incredible panic they induce in him. The only thing stopping me from doing that is the fact that Leah would probably kill me for turning traitor. And also Rosalie."

"Well, that works, I suppose," Liaf says with a shrug. "But why did you feel the need to?"

"Look, we couldn't win against impossible odds like that. What do you think this is, some kinda video game? So I figured, all we really needed to do was take out Demetri, since he's their tracker. So I just waited for him to drop his guard, and then I hit him with that poison Rosalie and I made."

"Well, well," Liaf says, raising his eyebrows. "I'm actually vaguely impressed." Not that that's going to stop Liaf from breaking his kneecap, according to his thoughts.

"Wait wait wait," I cut in as this all processes. "So you're saying, that the only reason you were able to save me was because you hated me? And the only reason you had the means to do that was because you and Rosalie had spent all that time trying to kill me?"

"Yeah kind of," Jacob says, nodding at my appraisal of the situation.

"Man, I love my job," Irony says.

I spend like a minute glaring at him. Then I say "Can we just get out of here so I can begin forgetting this whole mess?" And seriously, if anyone tells Sue what went down here, I won't stop at their kneecap.

"Sure, sure," Liaf says, with that smile that says he is plotting evil things for the future. "Irony, I assume you are considering your end of the bargain fulfilled now? The Volturi are still out there, but they won't be tracking you anymore." See, it sounds like Liaf's actually asking Irony this, but when he says _I assume_, he means, _this is how things are_ _and you will agree or I will get violent. _

"Yeah, sure," Irony says. "If nothing else you guys are funny." Oh what a strong commitment to our cause.

"Then let us return to our hotel and collect our things!" I say, striding to the mouth of the alleyway.

"And while you're at it, you might want to consider changing out of that dress," Liaf observes. And my morning is now complete.

* * *

><p>"So," I say, "Am I crazy, or are those the pieces from our game of Risk on the board there?"<p>

Before me is spread out the _Battle Board, _as Tanya and Carlisle so grandiosely named it. It's basically just a circle drawn on a piece of paper represented the clearing littered with the aforementioned Risk pieces, and is in general so pointless and such a slapdash job that I suspect that we're not the only ones who spent the last few days drinking more than we really should.

"Of course not," Carlisle says, even though I can _read his thoughts. _My own chronic lying is entirely to blame on my lack of decent role models. "This is a very advanced piece of equipment that will enable us to triumph over the Volturi."

"Wow," the dog says, walking into the dining room behind me, "are we actually going to be able to do that?"

"Probably not," Tanya says with a shrug.

"We're working on it," Carlisle says, with a roll of his eyes. "We have a chance. Probably. Now that your group has returned, the majority of our force has assembled. It's just a matter of how to deploy them to best counter the Volturi."

"So what have you come up with so far?" the dog asks, looking down at the _Battle Diagram_. He's slightly less impressed with it than I am. Mainly because I'm surprised they even got so far as drawing a circle on a piece of paper. My family seems unusually motivated for once.

"We're just going to stand in a big group like a school of fish," Tanya tells us, her face as stony as it was on our wedding day. "And everyone will pray that they're not the first to die."

The dog laughs. Everyone just looks at him. He stops.

"Oh right, I picked the losing side," he says like the foolish mutt he is. "My mistake."

"What do you mean, the 'majority of our forces?'" I ask, remembering Carlisle's earlier remarks. "Does that mean someone's not here yet?"

"Alice and Jasper, of course," Carlisle says, exasperated. The usual tone anyone uses when talking about those two. "Not that that's any surprise. I knew we should have sent someone with them, but I just wouldn't feel right sticking anyone with that fate."

"Rosalie and Sue reported that the Ghost of Tyler Crowley claimed to have been in the company of Alice before he teleported to Phoenix, but obviously no one's going to actually believe anything the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says," Tanya says. "Regardless, the god we sent Alice and Jasper after was a relatively minor one, so it shouldn't matter too much that they're not there."

Seriously. I'm pretty sure Alice and Jasper would do more damage on a battlefield to themselves and us than to the enemy anyways.

"As for the battle, we'll just have to hope Sue's newfound powers, along with the abilities of the rest of the gods, are enough to tip the balance," Tanya continues, looking back to the _Battle Board. _On closer inspection, the Risk figures have little labels stuck on them indicating the name of a Volturi or Cullen member. I glare at the little Sadist figure (that is actually labeled Jane, but I'll fix that later.) "It's going to be messy," Tanya finishes grimly.

"Wait, I'm sorry, did you say _Sue's _powers?" I ask. "As in the Mary Sue that is my wife that is the most helpless and needy thing on the planet?"

"_Was _the most needy thing on the planet," says my worst nightmare, sauntering into the room (hint: it's Rosalie. And actually, no, she's not my worst nightmare.) "You should see her now."

I raise an eyebrow at Rosalie.

She sighs. "Okay, yes, actually, Sue's still pretty unbelievably needy. But she actually can use her mental shielding abilities for something more that just intriguing you now, so there's some slight improvement. And Leah and I have been teaching her some stuff so she won't just die straight off once the battle starts."

Okay, alright, breathe. They haven't completely corrupted my Sue.

"Our plan is to have Sue act as our negotiator," Carlisle says, drawing the conversation back over to the battle thing. "She'll talk to Aro while the rest of us prepare for her to fail and the actual fighting to start."

"And from there it's just smashing faces in, and hoping that you don't get smashed in return," Tanya adds.

"Yeah, sounds good," I say. "So we really can't do anything now but wait."

"Wait, and pray for a miracle," Carlisle says. "The battle will be tomorrow." We all stare at the _Battle Board, _everyone thinking about how tomorrow's battle could end.

And why are they all hoping I get killed in it? I swear, I am surrounded by _jerks._

* * *

><p><em>So I just spent an hour taking an online course about safe drinking, and then I go and write my parody which has recently (slash always) been full of copious drinking. Well, could be worse, I suppose. I could have been doing shots while I was taking the course. <em>

_Oh, yeah, this is the end of Act IV. Act V—the last act—starts next week. _

_Gasp. _


	23. GLITTER AND PINK UNICORNS!

"_I no longer see any reason why this world must be destroyed. We need only to take care of one little stain, and then I think our work here will be complete," Tanya concludes, and then she turns to me. Mutters of assent come from the crowd around us. Tanya looks grim, but determined. "I don't see any reason to drag this out further," she mutters. "Would you like to do the honors, Sue?"  
><em>

"_Oh, um, certainly," I say, and then I look back to Aro. "There's so much I could say at this point, but really, it's just time for you to die. Cullen army, attack!"  
><em>

_"Why Mary Sue, you little heretic," Aro says, shaking his head as everyone bursts into motion. "_This_ was most certainly not in the script."  
><em>

_Then I and the rest of the Cullen army charge right into the flow of black, and basically chaos erupts. Some of these god peoples can do some pretty wicked stuff, but I'm not going to waste time detailing a bunch of minor characters that neither of us really care about. I find myself dodging the occasional blows and concentrating on keeping my super duper awesome shield up. Our one advantage is that I can negate a whole lot of their special abilities.  
><em>

_Edward, taking full advantage of that, goes up and punches Jane right across the face. "Who's the sadist now!" He shouts triumphantly. _

"_I don't think that was really the best line you could have come up with," Rosalie says, before she glides back into the brawl.  
><em>

_Meanwhile, I find myself face to face with Aro. Oh dear. "You possibly might have outdone us in sheer insanity," he says, striking out. I fling my arms up to block. "Something I thought impossible."_

_I remember some of that combat training with Rosalie. _"Banter is a lot of fun," _she'd said, _"but nailing a bantering opponent is even better."

_So I do. _

_It's a nice solid hit, right across the face. Aro raises a hand to his cheek, and then looks at me disbelievingly. I shrug.  
><em>

"_My, my, Mary Sue," Aro says, recovering. We begin to do that whole dramatic circling each other spiel, as our respective armies war around us. "It seems you've come a long way since you were a little human girl jumping off cliffs for a hobby." _

_I growl at that. Can no one get over a little cliff diving adventure?_

"_But surely you must know it's not enough. Just look around you," Aro says, gesturing widely. And I can see, with my super vampire peripheral vision. It looks like Edward might have gotten nailed during some banter of his own, and two massive Volturi guys are wrestling him into a headlock. Rosalie too looks like she might have been picking one fight too many. Her language adds to the effect. The situation is the same for the rest of our forces. Which is bad. "You might be a surprising little bunch, but we have too much experience to be beat by you. This is the end."_

_And that's when I hear the roar.  
><em>

* * *

><p>ACT V: WE'RE ALL MAD HERE<p>

* * *

><p>Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey guys! RisingTwilight says that I, the super delicious and fabtackular Alice, get to be your narrator for the next three chapters! Isn't that WONDERFUL!<p>

I can tell by all your looks that you _totally _think it's wonderful. Because I totally think it's wonderful. And that means that you all have to think it's wonderful too! Because I'm a vampire, and I'll um, _fudging kill you if you don't agree with me. _

That's what Rosalie always tells me to say.

So anyways, I don't think this makes all that great of a story, compared to that one time when Jasper and I were catching ladybugs in the back yard and then we found a scorpion and Jasper suggested we put it on Sue's face so that both she and Edward could get a surprise and then we ended up getting to go to the hospital because scorpians are poisonous! Like me! We're cousins!

But I have another story I have to tell you, because even though the scorpion story went on for another 242 pages (not counting the sidestory about what became of the alien afterwards) and there were pictures that I drew in crayon and everything, this other one is kind of important too cause we got to go to AFRICA! I didn't even know that place was real! And Jasper came along! Say hi Jasper!

…

I know, right! I mean, Africa! So yeah, so our story begins as I'm flying my super duper hot pink jet off to Africa!

* * *

><p>"Look," says the Toaster, "I may be a toaster, but I have a GPS app and regardless I'm pretty sure Africa is to the West of us—or East, actually, either one will get us there—but flying South will only end us up in Antarctica."<p>

"Oh, how wonderful!" I say, turning to give the Toaster a smile. For some reason, he doesn't like that. Confusing. I return my attention back to the plane's flight. "Yeah, I know how much you love penguins, Jasper!" Just look at the way he goes on and on about them! Oh, that boy. He's so silly!

"Man, and you thought Sue and Rosalie were bad, huh, partner?" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says to the Toaster. He's such a nice guy too! And I mean, look at all the friends he has! Like Edward, and Rosalie, and Sue, and everyone else, and—yeah! I felt so bad after the last parody cause they were all homeless and stuff (Rosalie's evil hideout is no place for a young ghost and toaster) so I said they could come here and live on my jet. And I haven't regretted it!

"Oh, gods," groans the Toaster. "I though nothing could be worse than having to go along with Sue's suicide—"

"She says it wasn't a suicide," I break in, because after all, it's not nice to say such things about your friend who's such an expert cliff diver.

"After her _suicide_," the Toaster continues, "I couldn't imagine what would be worse—because, technically, I was rescued by the dog _too, _and as a former hallucination of Edward, do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?" the Toaster continues. "But it turns out that letting this little demon fly is just as bad, because I'm pretty sure _she's going to kill us all._"

"Don't worry, Jasper's taken flight classes!" I tell them. The Toaster sighs, which is a really funny sound. Too bad you aren't here to hear Jasper trying to imitate him. Jasper's really good at imitating people!

"I seriously don't think he's so much as blinked since we started flying south," the Toaster says, referencing Jasper, "Which was, in fact, three hours ago. Maybe we'll get to Mexico soon."

"Oh, I didn't know Mexico was in Africa!" I say. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley is looking at me a little wide eyed. Huh. Oh well, lots of people make funny faces at me, so I just make them back!

"You probably should change course, Miss Alice. Just turn to the West," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley tells me—in this really cautious, gentle tone!—before turning back to the Toaster and the subject of Jasper. "What I'm more confused about is why he's crouching behind the chair, as opposed to sitting in it. And how he's not toppling over, what with the piloting of Miss Alice and all."

"Jasper's special!" I tell them cheerily. He's such a cool person. Like, really really cool! _Ice cool._ I'm so glad I had that vision that lead me to the bar where he was hiding under the counter! Otherwise I would have just thought the place had a really big rat problem!

"At some point," the Toaster says, all slowly and dramatically and stuff, like he's trying to make a point or something. Point! "Special doesn't even begin to cover it. Edward is special. Sue is special. Alice and Jasper, they're, they're…"

"More special?" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley adds all helpfully. See what a great guy he is.

Ooo, there's this really cool bird outside the window and it's all bright blue and stuff!

"Did we seriously have to go along with these two?" The Toaster groans, clearly not appreciating the majesty of that pretty blue bird. "If they were alone, the only ones they could get killed would be themselves."

"I don't know if we can die," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says speculatively. Ooo, matters of life and death. I always love talking about those! I bet the afterlife is something like a giant slinky! "I mean, I'm a ghost, and you're a hallucination that's possessing a kitchen appliance."

"Well, yeah, but if freaky little hyper chick there crashes the plane, which is looking pretty likely, she could _scuff _my _finish," _says the Toaster, horrified, and I suppose that would be really bad cause he's really shiny! Shiny shiny!

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighs. "Well, we didn't really have a choice in the matter. I'm not sure if going along with Edward's group would have been any better, and Rosalie would likely try to exorcise me—again—and smash you."

"Serious hard feelings much?" says the Toaster with a shiver. Weird, I always thought people liked getting smashed. At least, that's what Rosalie and Edward always told me."Well, anyways, perhaps we should get to the details of this assignment, yes?" The Toaster continues. "And for the love of toast, girl, would you please point this plane in the right direction?"

But the right direction is never as much fun as the left direction! If I didn't want to go kidnap a cheetah so much, I would never listen to the meanie toaster. But I want Mr Fluffy, so I turn the plane (in a really fun series of flips and rolls!) to the West.

"Well, the case file is right over there, but neither of us can actually open it—" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, nodding towards the case file had been shut until Jasper so kindly spread all the papers out on the floor for them to read. Except they're looking at Jasper all suspiciously like they're sure he never even moved from behind the chair! I wondered why they didn't even thank him, the sillies. "Um, well," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, looking over the papers. "It's very odd when the ghost is not the strangest creature present in the room."

"Or the talking toaster," says the Toaster. "Deal with it. So what are we after here?"

"Well, it looks like we're going to Africa to find the literary god Deus Ex Machina," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, and then he pauses. "Why would there even be a god for that? Shouldn't any self-respecting writer avoid writing an ending that's resolved by a completely unexpected sudden appearance that just completely ties up all the loose ends without there being any actual meaning?"

"Why do you bother to question anything at this point?" the Toaster says, and I bet it would be rolling its eyes if it had eyes to roll! I like rolling my eyes and I can make them go cross eyed when I go like this and then it looks like I'm flying two planes! "Are we crashing?" The Toaster says, and it almost sounds as panicked and angry as the humans I like to eat! "Cause it sure feels like we're crashing."

"No, I think Alice just got distracted or something. We're following the right course now, though, and that's about all we can hope for," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "So, ignoring the obvious silliness to a deus ex machine ending, apparently this guy isn't part of the main literary god crowd, so while they were all out doing their jobs and stuff, he just decided to camp out in the middle of Africa. He's pretending to be a half vampire because it would have been a really important plot point if Rosalie didn't find babies so delicious, but we've already, um, _dealt _with the problems he would have resolved. You know, looking over all this information, I get the sense that this guy is probably not even that important to the whole stopping the Volturi plan. All Tanya's notes say on him is, 'weird guy. Somewhere in Africa. Has a African name that I don't even care to look up in the original script, so just call him Machina. Really annoying—always trying to fix everything.'"

"I don't get it," the Toaster says, and I don't either! We're practically twinsies! "If he's not important, why would they send Alice and Jasper to retrieve him-oh."

"Yup," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, and I spin my chair to see what it is that he's figured out cause it's cool when people figure stuff out and I've never quite been able to that, except he points forward and tells me to focus on the controls. I pout, and do a couple spins to get back at him. "They probably just sent our super special duo on this mission hoping they would get eaten by a lion in Africa or something, or at least wouldn't come back for a good long while." How rude! Mr. Fluffy would never eat me!

"Oh, wonderful. So we're on a suicide mission," groans the Toaster.

"Not a suicide!" I chirp. Because Sue is always saying stuff like that. I always tell her she doesn't have to lie cause we're family!

"Basically," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says to the Toaster, being distinctly NOT nice and ignoring me. I try and poke him only to realize that he's a ghost and also I am supposed to be flying an airplane. Although I don't know what everyone is complaining about, because the airplane dips like a roller coaster when I let go of the controls! "However, we've already established that we can't die, and I somehow doubt that either Alice or Jasper are capable of it either. So we might just be able to pull this off."

"Oh, that's wonderfully reassuring," says the Toaster. "How about Volturi? Any idea what we'll be facing?"

"Unfortunately, no," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, frowning down at that papers. "Tanya appears not to have particularly cared to provide us with that information, and it seems difficult to determine anyway because of the remoteness of the location. However, there is a note that the Volturi's witch twins are otherwise occupied, and they're pretty much the only members of the Volturi anyone cares about except Aro."

"Oh, well, that's a relief I suppose," says the Toaster. Although I don't know why, because that means we won't get to see either Jane or Alec! And I still have birthday presents to give them from thirty years ago!

"Oh, and one other thing," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "There's a chance that the Volturi could be after Alice and Jasper for their collection."

Jasper doesn't move at all, but his eyes snap away from the snufalufagus he was staring at in the corner to fix on the Toaster and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. They're that beautiful glowing unblinking red I love, like ladybugs or freshly spilt blood! I don't think the Toaster or the Ghost of Tyler Crowley fully appreciate them, because they both look really freaked out!

"He's looking at us," the Toaster hisses.

"I didn't know he could do that," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley whispers back. Neither of them take their (in the Toaster's case, figurative) eyes off Jasper. I love staring contests!

"Well make him stop!" says the Toaster.

"How?" says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Well, just answer his question already!" I say with a roll of my eyes. Silly gooses!

"What did he ask?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley asks, looking over at me.

I sigh. Some people are so bad at listening. "Ummm…. he said, umm… that he wants some peanuts!"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley just looks at me. "She's kind of crazy, yeah?" he whispers to the Toaster, I guess thinking I can't hear him but I totally can! "And that's not even a question."

"They vamped her right out of an insane asylum, what did you expect?" the Toaster replies. "Why don't you just go get the kid some peanuts anyway? It might stop him from freaking _staring _at us."

"I don't have real hands!" the Ghost of Tyler protests. "Besides, he can't eat!"

The Toaster snorts, which is also a very funny sound that Jasper is good at imitating. "Since when has that ever stopped vampires from trying to eat anyways? What's more of a concern is the fact that he's never opened his mouth before. Maybe it's like glued shut or something, and no one ever noticed."

But Jasper, at this point, gets bored of the game and so resumes protecting us against alien invasion. Those guys were sore losers anyways.

"So basically, all we know is that there's a half vampire that's actually a literary god hiding somewhere on the _continent _of Africa, and we have to find him. Also, there may be Volturi there, and they may be after half our party. How wonderful," says the Toaster.

"Yes indeed," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says.

"So how are we going to go about doing this?" the Toaster asks.

"Duct tape?" I suggest. It never seems to have failed before! But the two of them only give me looks and then go back to their conversation.

"Well, it seems like it shouldn't be too hard to track down a half vampire as long as we get close," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says thoughtfully. "I mean, this isn't Sporks. People who live in smaller villages should pick up on random strings of murders in which the victims are entirely drained of blood. They might even recognize the attacks as being due to a vampire. Or whatever their equivalent of the term is."

"Only getting close might prove to be easier said than done," the Toaster says. It's always funny when people think things over! I never get why they do. "I mean, Africa is a pretty big place." Wow. Bigger than Sporks?

"We'll just have to count on luck, I suppose," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighs. "It's not like either of us had any better things to do than go searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack." Oooo, that's me and Jasper's favorite game! Only, we call it, "find the most delicious human in the entire city."

"Unless," the Toaster says, voice filled with sudden speculation. Ding! Lightbulb over the head! At least, that's what Jasper says. "Hey, crazy girl!"

I guess that's me unless Jasper's a girl! "Yes, my cute little kitchen appliance?"

I bet it would be making a really cool face if it had a face to make! "Um. Uh, well, that little superpower of yours—you know, the visions thing, not any other weird abilities I'm sure you possess—can it lend us any help here?"

"Hmmm," I say, scrunching up my face in concentration. "Give me a second. Jasper, take the controls."

"Wha—no, don't!" the Toaster says.

Trusting the plane to Jasper's very capable hands, I slip into a vision trance. Distantly, I hear the Toaster and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley screaming about finding the autopilot or something. Sillies. They just have to trust Jasper. The plane levels out of its death spiral after a few seconds, so really, what was the point of them getting all worried?

I, meanwhile, am getting really good reception today! "Hmmmm, I see Liaf pulling the philosopher's stone out of his pocket…" I say, my eyes still closed.

"Try to get out of London and focus on Africa," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, sighing.

"I see the coming of a Chosen One…" I say.

"Too cliché," says the Toaster. "How about, 'how do we find good old Machina?'"

"Oh, holy crap!" I say, my eyes flying open. The Toaster is now lying on the ground, almost like he fell down, probably smacking into the autopilot button. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley is looking at me expectantly. Jasper, meanwhile, is doing an excellent job of flying the plane from his position crouched behind the chair, several feet away from the controls.

"What is it?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley asks me, eyes wide

"Starbucks and the I-Phone are going to team up and take over the world!" I tell them. Somehow, they don't appear to understand the sheer _evil _we're facing here, because the Toaster and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley simply sigh.

"Well, wonderful, that means will get to foil another ploy for world domination in a couple years," the Toaster grumbles. "However, we already have our hands full with one plot, so why don't we focus on first things first?"

I pout a little. If they end up becoming slaves to consumer evil, they have only themselves to blame. However, I close my eyes, trying to find the vision they're looking for. Honestly, people are so demanding.

"Oh, here's something," I say. "_'If you seek the one who is divine, you must chase after the sacred feline!'_"

"What the crap? That sounds like a fortune cookie reject," says the Toaster. "Aren't your visions usually clearer than that?"

"Yup," I say with a smile. "But this is more fun!"

* * *

><p><em>Alice muse is scary scary scary. <em>

_In unrelated news, this chapter wins the award for most exclamation points used out of any so far. _

_And um, sorry this chapter is so late. Life. You know how that goes. _

_So you guys realize there are now only four chapters left? Like, holy crap. I don't know what I'm going to do when this is over. I suspect I'll be dealing with more Life, but who knows? I might do some other kinda fanfic project. I like this site.  
><em>


	24. HI THERE!

"Oh, look," I say. "We're here!"

"What do you mean, we're here?" the Toaster says suspiciously. "We only changed course for Africa fifteen minutes ago, and before that you were flying on a direct line south. There's no way you could have gotten us to Africa that fast. Particularly when the plane's been on autopilot for the last five minutes."

"Jasper's skilled like that!" I tell them. Oh, those silly nonbelievers. They'll all get the burning they deserve one day! I wonder if Africa has ponies. I always wanted a pony, but Carlisle said I would just eat it so I ate the stuffed pony he gave me instead!

"Look, it's physically impossible—why does my GPS tell me we're flying over the Congo right now?" The Toaster says abruptly.

I smile.

"Ghost, what do you see out the window?" the Toaster demands. Since it's still lying on the floor and all.

"A lot of really green jungle, rushing up towards us much faster than it probably should be," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, looking all pale and ghostly at the sight.

"You mean one of the crazies managed to turn off the autopilot?" the Toaster practically shrieks. It's all high and tinny and sounds like a chupacabra! "How did they—I never even saw—god, we're all going to die, aren't we?"

"Probably not, but that doesn't make this any less terrifying," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, watching the jungle rush up to meet us. "Hey, you know what? I'm going to go check on Sue and Rosalie. See how they're doing and all. Bye!" and then abruptly, the ghost of Tyler Crowley is gone. How cool! I wish I could do that! Oh, wait, I _can._ I'm actually a certified ninja, you know. I've been alive a looong time.

"Oh why you little—" the Toaster says, sounding like one of his comrades just abandoned him to die or something. People are so dramatic sometimes. "When you get back here, I'm going to send you to your second death!"

I really want to ask him how he can do that, but our plane kind of impacts into the jungle and all the fiery explosions make it really difficult to be heard.

So I kinda blackout for a bit (and have these crazy dreams, you have no idea!), and when I wake up, I'm lying in the twisted and slightly smoldering wreckage of my plane and what appears to be the remains of several trees. Poor trees, they didn't deserve to go like this! And neither did Snookums—my jet, you know. He was a very good pink jet! But maybe if I bring Carlisle a couple of really nice stolen cars, he'll be happy enough with me to buy me a new jet! Luckily, I'm really good at stealing cars! I especially like the ones with fancy flashing lights on the tops!

The Toaster's lying a few feet away from me, and tragedy upon tragedies, its finish appears to be scuffed. It is slightly less shiny now. Sadface. I like shiny things.

"Hey, hey, Toaster," I say, crawling over to it. Good thing I'm made of vampire diamond substance that's like, super impervious to damage and stuff. Otherwise I might be dead, if not, like, bruised! And I'm still sparkly and shiny and stuff, because vampires are threatening like that! "Toaster, are you still alive! Speak to me, Toaster, speak to me!" I pause. "I wonder what movie I'm quoting there?" I'm sure glad that I've watched movies that tell me how to handle situations like this! Otherwise, I would just be trying to figure out what we should do now!

"Oh god," groans the Toaster. "I feel like I just spent a few days in Sue's head."

"Nope!" I chirp. I wonder what it's like in Sue's head? I hear it's a scary place! "We just landed! Come on, get up, I want to see what it's like in Antarctica!"

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I don't even know where to begin," the Toaster says. "Where's the other freak? Did we actually manage to kill him? Could we be that lucky?"

"Below you!" I say with a smile. Silly little kitchen appliance. The wreckage underneath it rumbles, and then Jasper stands up in a spray of debris.

"Yay you're still sparkly!" I say to Jasper. I wouldn't want for _his_ finish to get scuffed.

"Ah, you guys have no idea how hard my job is," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, rematerializing next to us. Good thing, too—I was getting lonely! "But it's very important. I think I'm making some progress with Sue and Rosalie."

"Why do you even bother?" the Toaster asks. I place it back on its pegs since Jasper knocked it over. "I know you've seen enough of Rosalie to know she's really nothing more than a psychopathic killer to the core."

"People said that about you," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley reminds the Toaster. I evidently know lots of people who could be considered psychopathic killers. Weird, huh?

"No, they said that about my original," the Toaster says. "And psychopathic killer is the least of things they've called him. I'm not quite as famous as he is seeing as I'm more or less imaginary and thus find it difficult to kill people." Wow, that sounds really trippy! "Although you can bet that if there was a way, I would kill you, ghost, for leaving me alone on that plane."

"You weren't alone, I was there!" I say. "And so was Jasper!" Who is doing reconnaissance right now by staring at the exact same spot!

"Hey, I'm dong really important work with Rosalie!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley protests. "You know, what the whole family really needs is a counselor, but I kinda think they'd eat any that tried. Still, you can't vamp that many emotionally scarred youth, stick them together with two 'adults' who have issues of their own, and expect them to come out perfectly normal. Which is how we got this!" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley flings out a hand dramatically to encompass me and Jasper. I wonder what he means? And what a counselor is. "Someone has to do something."

"Yeah, because they take your advice so seriously," the Toaster says, and he almost sounds like he doesn't mean it. Weeeird. "Well, regardless of your strange hobbies, maybe we should get out of the middle of the jungle and see if we can find anyone who knows about the possible location of our god friend. And possibly a phone," the Toaster adds, and it and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley look over the wreckage of Snookums speculatively. Well, the Ghost of Tyler Crowley does, and I bet the Toaster would too if it wasn't a Toaster! "I don't think we're going to be getting back to Sporks in this."

"Off we go, then!" I say, scooping up the Toaster in my arms (after all, we can't make the poor Toaster walk all on his own, now can we!) and skipping off into the jungle. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley spares a glance for Jasper, and then floats along after us.

"So, um, out of curiosity, Alice, do you have any idea where you're going?" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "And also, should we really leave Jasper there by himself? I'm worried he'll, um, hurt himself or something."

"Haha, don't be silly," I say. "Of course I don't. But everything's so pretty here, I'm sure we'll find something! And what are you talking about—of course Jasper's following us!"

"Um," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, looking around like he's pretty sure Jasper _isn't _following us. "Okay."

"This is officially the worst mission ever," the Toaster says. "And I bet the village we find—if there even is one around here, and we're not moving in the completely _wrong _direction—probably won't even have electricity or will use different outlets or something."

"Is that important?" the Ghost of Tyler asks. Cause, you know, I just hope the people there taste good!

"If I don't make some toast every once in a while, I get kinda antsy," the Toaster says. "Technically, it is in my circuitry."

"So what kind of toast do you prefer making?" I ask, because how often do you get a chance to talk to a real, living toaster! "'Cause I like—CAT!"

"Wha—oh god!" the Toaster says as I suddenly veer off into the jungle chasing after the kitty I just saw! "Just what do you think you're doing?" I guess he's kind of nervous because I can move really fast when I want to—almost as fast as Edward, who can move really, really fast when he wants to!

"It's Mr. Fluffy!" I cry, pointing ahead to the leopard.

"Please tell me you did not just start sprinting at a right angle to the path you were taking to go chasing a leopard!" the Toaster yells. "And what kind of name is Mr. Fluffy, anyways?"

"Don't insult Mr. Fluffy's name!" I say, 'cause no one talks like that about my new pet! But anyways, I have a game of tag to focus on now! I just love playing tag! Especially with vicious jungle cats! And I think the Toaster likes this game too, 'cause he's just screaming with exhilaration!

"Seriously, girl?" the Toaster shrieks. Maybe a branch kinda hits him although I'm trying to be really careful! "You realize that not only is this vaguely dangerous because you're just sprinting through completely unexplored territory because you wanted to follow a leopard, but we also kind of have a mission we're supposed to be taking care of?"

"Oh really?" Someone really should tell me these things! "What are we supposed to be doing?"

The Toaster only makes a strangled noise-weird! But then all of the sudden we burst out of the jungle into this beautiful clearing with a big lake and some sweet waterfalls and a really old and dark looking ancient ruin type place! Look at what a cool place leopard friend has found for us!

"Well," the Toaster says after a moment. "Interesting. Maybe we can spare a moment to investigate those ruins, and see if there happen to be any pawnable objects to be found?"

That sounds fun! I hope they're as sparkly as Jasper! Besides, I can see Mr. Fluffy lurking in the shadows next to the ruins, and I have to go catch him if I want to put his pink rhinestone collar on! Only, before I can go catch Mr. Fluffy, this voice interrupts us, sounding all deep and ominous like the speaker's trying to sound threatening!

"Well, well, well, look what we have here," says the man, and I turn around to see two black cloaked Volturi Guys standing right at the edge of the forest, where we just came from!

"If you guys are here to steal our treasure-" the Toaster threatens from beneath my arm. I give it an admonishing look. That really is no way to speak to our guests.

"Please," interrupts the second Volturi Guy. "First, allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Volturi Guy I!" Hehe, it rhymes.

"And I am Volturi Guy J!" says the other.

"Our leader will be so pleased to hear that you found our trail," continues Volturi Guy I. "I mean, he was skeptical at first that your party would even be capable of tracking us, and it certainly wasn't the easiest thing arduously setting up all the clues that would lead you from the airport across half the continent to our base here, but I told him it would work! Even if it did take us all of the first two acts to do it!"

"Which technically only covered like three days in the story," the Toaster mutters.

"Oh, did you really do all that?" I ask the Volturi Guy. That sounds like a lot of work! "We just crash landed like a mile away and Mr. Fluffy lead us here!" Only Mr. Fluffy disappeared when the Volturi Guys started speaking. I'll have to find him later, or what else am I going to do with this collar!

Oh well, I suppose I'd find something.

The Volturi Guys, meanwhile, are staring at me with something akin to horror. "I-you mean you-but-argh! Do you have any idea how long that all took to set up? And then you just-" Volturi Guy I calms down and took a few deep breaths. "Alright. Calm. Calm. We don't have to tell him, anyway. Well, here's how it is-wait, when did he get here?"

The Volturi Guy, who appears to be not quite as calm as he wants to be, points over my shoulder to Jasper. "Hmm?" I say, because it's kind of a silly question. "He's been here the whole time."

"And we actually want these guys on our side?" Volturi Guy J mutters. The other one just gives him an annoyed look, which is bad because comrades should work together!

"Hey guys why do you have to run so fast-oh," says the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, flying out of the jungle, only to see us locked in a confrontation with the Volturi Guys. "Um, hello," he greets the Volturi Guys as he floats over to stand next to the rest of the group.

"Great," sighs Volturi Guy I. "I'm sure this is exactly what our organization needs. Wonderful. Well, if you guys think you can manage it-and somehow, I doubt you can-just give me a second to explain all this before you go charging into the ruin."

Why would he ever think we would do something like that? I give him a look that I know from experience is filled with wide-eyed innocence, because I'm filled with wide-eyed innocence, and nod at him to go on. He looks at me a little skeptically, but hey.

"Alright, so you already would know all this if you'd just followed our clues like you were supposed to," and he sounds a little frustrated when he says the last-I hope we didn't make him mad! "But basically we've captured Deus Ex Machina, and are holding him inside this ancient temple here," he helpfully points to the only ancient temple that can be seen. "If you want him, you have no choice but to go in there and find him. But just so you know, our leader is waiting for you."

"Oh, wonderful," says the Toaster. "An obvious trap."

"Yup," Volturi Guy I says with a shrug. "But you know, like I said, no choice if you want the god."

"Well, maybe we don't want the god, yeah?" The Toaster practically sneers at the Volturi Guys. Which is rude, so we can't have that!

"Thank you for your help!" I say, giving a little bow to the Volturi Guys, before I turn and sprint into the dark and creepy entrance of the ruins. The Toaster is screaming something, but I can't hear so it obviously must not be important! Jasper and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley follow right behind me. For a while it's all crumbly walls and Indiana Jones and stuff, but then the scenery begins to change.

"Oh, wonderful," the Toaster says. "Miles and miles of labyrinth-like empty corridors. Seriously, aren't there any better uses for all this space? More to the point, aren't there any better uses for all this money?"

"You should ask Rosalie," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley advises. "I mean, her hideout is mostly empty corridors too. I think it's just a ploy to create space for filler conversations between the main characters."

"Kind like we're doing right now?" asks the Toaster.

"No, I—hey…" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, his ghostly face wrinkling with thought.

"We're main characters?" I ask. It's always been my dream to be a main character!

"I suppose we are," the Toaster says. "That's actually kind of scary."

"Really?" I ask. "Why—ELEVATOR!" I go sprinting down the random empty hallway and dive into the elevator. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley isn't far behind—though looking a little exasperated that I keep randomly sprinting off!—while Jasper brings up the rear. I wait until he's safely in before I press all the buttons.

"Is that really necessary?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighs.

"Yup!" I give him a big smile, and then whistle as the elevator makes a whole bunch of stops, opening up to empty corridors each time.

"This is kind of ridiculous," the Toaster comments as we're approaching the top. "Didn't this leader guy want us to find him?"

"Maybe he's attempting some psychological trickery or something," suggests the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Yeah, right. This is the Volturi we're talking about here," the Toaster says. "They're probably just being annoying." Only just then, we get to the top floor, and again the scenery is different. We all step out of the elevator.

"Hey, this place is actually pretty spiffy," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley observes, looking around. There are even, like, light fixtures and carpets and stuff.

"I think that's just the Volturi's style. The place in Italy is the same way-freaky entrance, posh interior," the Toaster says knowledgeably. "Of course, that's probably bad because that means we're in a Volturi hideout."

"It worked out fine the last time we were in one!" I say, remembering those good times when Sue and I were trying to stop Edward from killing himself. Yup Yup.

"Dude, the last time we went to a hideout, Sue and Edward were both freaking out, we had to deal with _Aro_, Liaf killed their hot receptionist, and then we had to deal with you driving the popemobile," the Toaster says. "It was not fun, not at all."

"What are you talking about?" I say to the Toaster. "You mean, you didn't think that all of that was fun?" I've never quite understood how other people think. I guess it's cause they're all so weird!

"Not at all!" the Toaster says. "And not only because I had just lost my speaking part to Edward. I mean, are you seriously going to say you like talking to that creep-bag Aro?"

"Really, my dear toaster friend? You wound me," says a voice from the open door at the end of the hallway, and for some reason, everyone seems to freeze at the sound of it.

"Please tell me that's not who I think it is," the Toaster says.

"I'll go check!" I say with a smile, before skipping into the room.

"No, girl! Not while you're still holding me!" the Toaster says. "I seriously had to go with your group, didn't I?"

"Oh, hi, Aro," I say, looking around.

"Hello, there, dear Alice," Aro says.

* * *

><p><em>This chapter is dedicated to my friend Smiley, who is always asking me if I want to go steal a cop car with her. <em>


	25. MY HERO!

"Hello Aro!" I cheerfully greet him. "I haven't seen you for ages! What have you been up to?"

"Hello, dear Alice," he says, his face crinkling into that smile that Liaf said was creepy and Edward said made him feel 'like his soul just got raped.' I don't know what Jasper thinks about it, cause he won't even talk to me about the Volturi, but I think it just makes him look like the grandfather I can't remember because he sent me to the insane asylum to get electroshock therapy and lobotomies! "Just the usual murders, plotting to add gifted young children to my collection, and enslaving of gods and subsequent application of their powers to commit unspeakable deeds of evil."

"Oh," I say, "why does this room look like a fancy jail?" Cause, you know, to one side there's a sitting area, complete with a really pretty rug and some comfy looking couches, and then to the other side there's three things that look suspiciously like jail cells, with bars and doors and stuff. Aro's at a desk on the far side of the room, sitting all imperiously and staring at us, where we stand in the only door.

"Why, that's because it is a jail, of sorts," Aro says kindly. He's so nice to be answering my questions! "Is my good little friend Jasper with you?"

"Um, uh, no," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says from where he and Jasper are out in the hall. "And you should probably, um, come look at the shiny rocks out here, Alice. As opposed to remaining in that room talking to the bad man."

I frown and open my mouth to correct the Ghost of Tyler Crowley—because yes Jasper's here, silly ghost, and I'm talking to Aro right now so the shiny rocks can just wait their turn! Only the Toaster quickly cuts me off, saying to Aro, "well, um, we better go check out those shiny rocks. So sorry to have to run so fast, but Alice will, uh, give you a phone call or something and you can talk then. Well, let's get out of here, Alice!"

I give him a glare—why doesn't anybody want me talking to Aro? Except I don't get to speak—_again, _it must be rude Wednesday or something—because the Ghost of Tyler Crowley and Jasper are suddenly being herded into the room by Volturi Guys I and J.

"Now, now, fellows, be nice. The boss is trying to talk to you," Volturi Guy I says, giving the kind of smile I think most people would consider unsettling. "Why don't you be nice and indulge him a little—hey, where did Jasper go?" the Volturi Guys look around frantically for Jasper. Hehe, told you that no one was quite as good at surprise hide-and-seek than Jasper!

"Oh, relax, he's just hiding behind the couch," Aro says with a sigh, standing up from his desk and taking a few steps forward. "Oh, my good old friend, have I really scared you that much?" He goes to walk even closer, but Jasper _hisses _at him, which is distinctly not his usual reaction and I _know _I've taught him better manners than that! One of the Volturi Guys lets out a low whistle.

"Wow, boss, looks like you really messed that one up," says Volturi Guy J. Aro spares him a glare that's almost like Rosalie's!

"Please, he got no worse treatment than any of the others in my collection," Aro says, turning back to Jasper. "I assure you, all that touching was solely for purposes of reading your mind." One of the Volturi guys sniggers a little, and Aro shoots another glare their way. I wonder what was so funny?

"Seriously, boss, I gotta say, your power is kinda… awkward," Volturi Guy I says, doing the right thing and trying to mediate the conflict. "I mean, it just gives some people the wrong impression. Or the right one. You know."

"It's not my fault that Meyer made my character basically a bigger creepier than Edward Cullen!" Aro says, throwing his hands up the air. "You think I wanted to be a sadistic pervert? Well, maybe I did, just a little. But really, deep down, I just want to be loved!"

I run over and give him a big bear hug. "It's okay, Aro-ro," I say, patting him on the head like the abandoned kitties I find when I'm sulking in dark alleyways looking for dinner. It's kinda hard cause I have to reach waaaay up, but you know, it's important to do things like this right! "I love you."

Aro kinda blinks down at me, and then gets kinda a dazed look in his eyes and staggers a little as I release him cause I guess he was reading my mind! "Erm, uh, thank you, Alice. I suppose. Now then, my minions, would you please put all of them in the cages so I can make my evil villain speech?"

"Dibs on the girl," Volturi Guy I says, running over to me while Volturi Guy J curses and looks at Jasper in trepidation.

"Um, I think I better go check on how Rosalie and Sue are doing!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, vanishing into thin air. Wow, he's really impressive, being able to think of others in a situation like this! Only, the Toaster doesn't seem to think so because it calls him a really rude name!

"Would you please step this way, miss?" says Volturi Guy I, gesturing towards one of the cells, and really, how polite! Of course I skip right over there, and he takes the Toaster from me before shutting the door. And then he locks it, which is weird, because you only lock someone in jail cells if they're your prisoner!

"Dude, you're going to have to come help me with this," Volturi Guy J says. I can just barely see him, standing by the couch, since the side wall of my cute little cell blocks my view. I've got a really good view of Aro grinning though!

Volturi Guy I sighs. "Maybe if we just kinda come from two sides, like we're catching a cat or something. Alright, slowly, slowly…" I can see them slowly creeping towards the couch, cause I guess they're playing hide and seek with Jasper now!

"Now, now, Jasper, you know I won't hurt you," Aro says, using the same tone of voice Edward always does with those girls he kills. Something about it seems to rub Jasper the wrong way, because suddenly there's a lot of growling and hissing, and I can see the two Volturi Guys dive behind the couch before there are a lot of crashes!

"Oh my god, my arm—"

"no, stay away from his teeth!"

"What the—no, don't let him—"

"there, there, pin him!"

"Oh god, really, my other arm?"

It goes on like this for a while before I can see a blur of paleish skin and snarls dart out of sight into one of the other jail cells, and then the sudden clanging of a barred door shutting.

"See, now that wasn't so hard, was it?" Aro says, clearing his throat as the two Volturi Guys, looking a little worse for the wear, step back into the middle of the room and my field of view. "Now then," and he takes a few dramatic steps forward, "as our guests are secured, it is time for me to give my villain speech!"

"Oh, splendid," groans the Toaster. Sounds like he got a jail cell of his very own!

"Now, now, you odd little manifestation, be a good audience," Aro chides him. "After all, I have to leave shortly, if I want to have my army ready to go attack the rest of your little friends."

"That doesn't sound very nice," I say, twisting my lips into a frown. Army and attack are on the not nice words list!

He gives a little laugh and smiles over at me. "Dear, special little Alice. Well, now that you and Jasper have finally joined my, ahem, 'family,'—rejoined, for him!—I suppose you'll learn sooner or later: I am not a nice person. Although I can be quite… generous with my favorites." What's he talking about? Aro is as nice as Liaf!

The Toaster makes a kinda choking noise, which is really impressive since it doesn't have a throat! "God, Aro, seriously, do you have to be such a creeper? Like, that's really sick and twisted. As are you."

"See," Aro says to me, "he has the right of it." Then he looks back towards the other jail cells. "And like I told you, blame Meyer, not I—we're just satirizing her implications. Now, as I was saying, I shall be departing shortly back to Volterra, where I will gather the full might of the Volturi around me and then we will depart for Sporks." Which is actually kind of funny to think about, because imagine forty vampires in matching black cloaks all on an airplane! Aro kinda looks over at me in a concerned sort of way because I'm stifling laughter, but then appears to decide it's part of the territory and continues. "There, we will face the mongrel army the rest of your family has gathered, and we shall crush them."

Hey, that also doesn't sound good… it even makes me forget about all the Volturi trying to get through airport security. "Oh, don't worry, we won't kill them all," Aro continues, smiling over at me. "We will save a few of the more… _gifted_… members of your family. Provided, of course, that my subordinates have not already managed to capture them, which I would like to say that I doubt, only at this point I kind of expect. What is certain, however, is that you three—forgive me, two and a half—"

"Hey!" says the Toaster.

"I was referring to Jasper," Aro says.

"Oh, that makes sense," the Toaster says. "Continue."

"You all will _not _be participating in this final battle. You will be staying right here while I go and destroy your family. And they certainly will fall, without you two there to assist them. Perhaps I will even use your disappearance to taunt them with. Oh, yes, they also won't have the assistance of Mr. Machina, who's in that cell with the Toaster there," Aro adds.

"Wha—oh hey, there is an unconscious person in the corner," the Toaster says, surprised. I suppose it isn't everyday when you find a _living _body in the room! "…that's kinda creepy."

"Just the way I like it," Aro says, grinning widely. "But yeah, so I'm just going to have you wait here for a couple of days or so, and then when I get back with the blood of your family on my hands, dragging Sue and Edward along behind me—and maybe Carlisle will come too, because anyone who pretends to be that good has to have a _killer_ dark side—then we can discuss the terms of your admission into the Volturi. _Forcibly, _if need be."

"Will we have to fill out paperwork?" I ask anxiously.

"No," Aro says.

"Okay good," I say, relaxing. Paperwork is the devil!

"All you have to do is pick if you want your cloak to be black or what looks like black but is actually a really really dark navy blue," Aro says. "And swear your undying loyalty to me on this cursed artifact I found lying around a couple years back. New policy, you know, because you won't believe how many deserters we've had over the last couple hundred years or so." Aro almost seems to _glare _at Jasper as he says the last. "Well then, I have a family to go slaughter, so you all just sit here quietly and decide on your cloak's color! Toodles!" Aro says, and then he strides out of my sight. But his footsteps pause in front of what must be Jasper's cell.

"Good to have you back, old friend," Aro says quietly, and then he's really gone. The fancy jail cell place seems really quiet for a long moment. Luckily the cell I'm in is really nice! There's an arm chair and a bunch of cheap romance novels and a minifridge stocked with bottles of blood so I don't get hungry while Aro's off killing the rest of my family!

"Well," the Toaster says. "Pardon my French, but we are really f—"

"Oh my goodness these are all angsty teenage vampire novels!" I exclaim, going through the stack of books. "What quality reading this is!"

"Honestly!" the Toaster hisses. "Oh, wonderful. Of all the people to get stuck in jail with, it had to be you two, now didn't it? I mean, these bars are probably just plain old steel, and I'll bet either of you can break through them if you wanted to."

"Why would we do that!" I say, shocked. "That would be rude!"

"Yes, I imagine that's what Aro is counting on," the Toaster sighs. "Look, girl, do you have any idea what Aro is going to do to you? _Aside _from killing your whole family? And more than that, what he's going to do to Jasper? And Edward? And Sue? Because no matter how cocky or lucky the rest of the Cullens are, this could easily go very badly. The Volturi have the numbers advantage, and technically, we have had a main character die, which means the rest are free game now."

"Oh, wow, that doesn't sound good!" I say.

"It doesn't," the Toaster says, speaking to me like he thinks I'm a puppy or something! Silly, even if he can't see me, I'm still a vampire! "So really, under the circumstances, you might have to be a little rude, and break through these bars, alright, Alice?"

"No," I say, crossing my arms. I won't be rude to nice Mr. Aro! The Toaster sighs.

"Fine then. We can just sit here, ensuring the destruction of your family and also probably the world, as well as your conscription into the evil organization responsible for it all. What a wonderful life you've chosen for the sake of politeness." Hmph. I'm certainly not going to listen to something that's being so rude! I turn back to the novels—I'll talk to the Toaster later, when it can behave itself.

Only, a few pages into some wonderfully engaging prose that certainly doesn't sound like all the other novels in the stack, I realize something's wrong. "Jasper?" I call, worried. "Are you alright? You're being really quiet!" I mean, usually by now he'd be singing or something!

The Toaster—which is really being rude, I'm sure his mother The Oven had to have taught him better!—lets out a snort. "Girl, I don't know if you've ever noticed, but Jasper never talks—"

"I'm alright, Alice."

And for a moment, there's just silence. Then—

"_What?" _ The Toaster says, being the rude little thing it is.

"Jasper!" I say. "Good! You had me so worried there!" 'Cause you know, Jasper only goes all quiet like that when there are really bad things happening!

"Sorry, Alice," Jasper says all quietly and politely! That's my Jasper for ya! "Unfortunately, darling, the Toaster is right. We need to break out of here."

"Well, I'm glad someone is finally seeing some sense—no! What am I talking about? Just what is going on here? Who are you?" the Toaster says, going into quite the rage. I really hope he doesn't have toaster amnesia! I don't know what to do about Toaster amnesia!

"I'm Alice!" I say, because I bet he's all confused because of the amnesia!

Only, he makes an annoyed little sound, and says, "I know that, girl. I'm wondering who this clown is pretending to be Jasper. Is there someone in the little freak's cell too?"

"No, no, you're just confused because of the toaster amnesia," I explain to the poor confused little toaster. "But trust me, that really is Jasper!"

"Okay, talking to you is not helping," the Toaster says. Hmph! I was _trying _to help him. But if he's going to be a rude McRudie pants, then I won't! "Besides, you can speak for yourself, can't you?"

There's a long pause, since I'm pouting and neither of them are saying anything, and then Jasper says, "…I can now. But in this case, perhaps I should show you."

"What is that supposed to—" the Toaster begins to say, only there's a horrific grating sound kinda like someone is tearing a barred cell door off it's hinges—which happens to be a sound I know very well! Only, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be hearing it now.

"Hey!" I say. "What did I say about property damage!"

"Sorry, Alice," Jasper says. "But it's necessary in this case. After all, what Aro is trying to do will make a lot of people unhappy."

"What!" I say, jumping to my feet. "It's not good to make people unhappy!" Nice guy or not, we have to stop him! I crash through the bars of my cell, cause it's faster than using the door, and run out into the main room. Jasper's already standing there, looking at the Toaster through the bars of its cell.

"Holy ****," the Toaster says.

Jasper shrugs.

"I'm not about to let Aro have his way again," Jasper says to the Toaster, which seems really obvious to me but the Toaster's kinda slow and all! "Apparently, this means I get some character development of my own."

"Even when you are making sense, you two just plain _don't make sense_," the Toaster groans as Jasper proceeds to break him out of jail—quite literally! "When this is over, I swear, I'm finding a nice girl who needs a new toaster to settle down with."

"You do that," Jasper says, lifting up the Toaster. "Right now, however, we need to go save the world. Would you like to come with us? Your alternative is to stay here and wait until someone—or something—skulking through the ruins finds you. Your choice."

"Devil I know, yeah?" grouses the Toaster. Which is a fun word. _Grouses. _"I'll come with you."

"Good choice," Jasper says, tossing the Toaster back to me. "If you don't mind getting that, Alice, I'll go take care of our friend Mr. Machina back there."

"Kay kay!" I say, shaking the Toaster (which I don't think it really likes it, but it's a lot of fun!) and watching as Jasper moves to the other occupant of the cell and gives him a couple slaps on the cheeks. Thanks to my super vampire vision, I can see when his eyes open.

"Where—where am I?" Machina groans. "Who are you?"

"I'm Jasper Cullen," says Jasper (duh), "and that's Alice. You're in a Volturi hideout. Do you remember Aro capturing you?"

"Unfortunately," Machina shivers. "Where is he?"

"Gone," Jasper says. "We're going to go stop him. The Volturi are currently facing off an army of our friends and family, as well as some of your friends. Will you come help us?" Isn't Jasper wonderful? Look at how quickly he summed up the situation and everything!

Machina frowns for a moment, then nods. "Sure, why not? You guys kinda cleared my schedule for the rest of the day, anyways. Only, I'm not too sure about the whole walking thing. I've been in here a pretty freaking long time."

"I'll help," Jasper says. Even helping the disabled! He's such a catch.

"Um, not to burst your newfound heroic bubble or anything," the Toaster says from my arms, "but just how do you plan on getting out of here? Our jet, in case you don't have any memories from your catatonic time, is completely totaled." Cata—catatonic? Sounds like a drink. Made of cat's blood. Which is not very yummy, I'll tell yah.

"Yes," Jasper says, as he pulls Machina to his feet. "That's kind of hard to forget, all things considering. However, Aro, while being completely creepy and psychopathic and also number one on my _to neutralize_ list, is not completely lax. He will have left Volturi Guy J and Volturi Guy I behind, as well as someway for them to get out of here if they needed to."

"You have no idea how much you're scaring me right now," the Toaster says. "That actually makes sense. Kind of. Well enough for our crappy plotting. So we just go find them, and then make them take us to their ride?"

"Even better," Jasper says, he and Machina walking out of the cell. "We just wait here until they get bored of whatever it is that Volturi Guys do with their spare time, and then they'll come here to taunt us. At which point we beat the crap out of them. Alice?"

"Right-o, Jazz!" I say, giving him a mock salute before dropping the Toaster on the couch and dragging a chair and a large chunk of stone wall over to the door. The good old fashioned dropping a really heavy object on the next person to walk in the door trick!

"This is still weird and I'm still freaked out to be talking to you, but you seem to have gotten us much farther than I was anticipating," the Toaster says to Jasper while I'm busy holding that chunk of wall in the air. "But do you really think we'll be able to stop Aro from enacting slightly less than righteous slaughter of your family?"

"We will," Jasper says, and the determined look in his eyes is so cute!

* * *

><p><em>Being sane. The new insanity. <em>

_So sorry about the late chapter, I kinda forgot to mention that I was going to be in New Mexico with no interwebs access for a week last chapter. Slightly complicated matters.  
><em>


	26. LET'S SAVE THE WORLD!

And so back we go to the battlefield-that place of white snow, covered now with spreading stain of dark, inky-black...

Except for the cloaks that are not black, of course, but a very very dark blue that _looks _black. These are slightly less intimidating to Sue's vampire eyes, because she can pick up the slight differences in shade, but really, she looks around and she sees _dark, _all around her family, friends, and some people she is now proud (kinda) to call acquaintances, and she has the sinking feeling that things are somewhere between very-not-good, and time-to-throw-yourself-on-your-sword-so-Aro-doesn't-get-to-keep-you. It is a vaguely uncomfortable place to be. Sue surreptitiously tries to catch Edward's eye, seeking the suicide sign.

"You might be a surprising little bunch," Aro says to Sue as they exchange blows-so close to her, and yet she can't quite manage to kill him. Apparently, living for a thousand years has taught Aro how to fight better than an eighteen year old newborn. Go figure. "But we have too much experience to be beat by you. This is the end."

And Sue thinks that maybe, just maybe, he's right. Because a lot of those black cloaks are sprawled out flat on the ground, but her side still doesn't have the advantage of numbers. Even Sue can see that they are cornered. That's the suckish thing about fair fights—they can go either way.

Aro smiles, and Sue is positive that that is the absolute freakiest thing she's ever seen before ever and she has seen a vast amount of freaky things in her life (most, but not all, occurring after she had met Edward and Alice). "Now, Sue dear, you know this doesn't have to be the end. You and your mate are rather talented after all, and the Volturi would welcome ones with your gifts into our ranks. You would be doing very valuable work, you know—helping to keep the peace and all that." He gestures vaguely.

Sue looks pointedly around her at the current carnage, then back to Aro, and she raises an eyebrow. From the stories she's heard, the Volturi have distinctly less noble ways of occupying their time. "This is a fight to the death, Aro," she says. None of them want to live in whatever sick world the Volturi will inevitably create.

(Which yeah, is pretty noble sounding for Sue, and she's so glad that this is what all her character development is going into.)

"Unfortunately, Sue dear, you don't have a choice," Aro says, stepping forward. Red eyes—that's all Sue sees before there is a sudden loud roar overhead and everyone looks up to see a jet streaking through the air.

* * *

><p>So we beat up the Volturi Guys just fine and everything, and make them take us to their jet, which is this super spiffy thing which goes really fast, and I get to be the one to fly it because Jasper explains <em>I've been in a catatonic state since the invention of airplanes, Alice<em>, whatever that means! Only for once, Jasper seems a little nervous about me flying, too! The Toaster give him knowing looks (only not really, cause, you know, the Toaster doesn't have a face, but I bet it would be giving a knowing look if it could!), while Mr. Machina just sits in the corner looking like he wishes he had a stomach so that he could throw up!

We go speeding towards Sporks, and I guess it's all urgent and we're doing important stuff and I'm HELPING!

"So, yeah, now that you are actually capable of social interaction, you might want to learn how to operate a motor vehicle," says the Toaster to Jasper. "Because no one else in your crazy family is capable of it."

"Yes," Jasper says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I remember that. I can remember most things from before, I just wasn't… thinking clearly."

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it," the Toaster says. "So seriously, all it took for you to get over severe mental trauma that basically left you a freaky empty shell was a few taunts from Aro?"

"A few taunts, the imminent demise of my family and by extension the world, as well as the promise of being returned to what caused the trauma in the first place? Yes," Jasper says, still sounding exasperated. As well he should, he's been working awfully hard these last few hours, and that's not good for anyone! "I'll admit, it's a little Freud, with all the repressed memories and stuff, and a little convenient plot twist, but what did you think this was, a story with a paid author? Regardless—"

"Hey, guys?" Machina says, kinda nervously. "There's a mountain ahead."

"Hmmm?" Jasper says, and then turns to look out to the windshield. He appears to agree with the Machina's assessment. "Alice, darling, just what do you think you're doing?"

"Stopping!" I say happily. I'm stopping the quick way, since Jasper said we're in a hurry!

"Oh, of course," Jasper says, looking at the mountain we are seconds away from plowing into at four hundred miles per hour. He hands the Toaster to me, and then grabs Machina in one arm and me in the other. He then kicks out the windshield, and jumps out of the plane.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I cry as we fall. The Toaster joins me in screaming. Falling's so much fun! But we don't even fall that far, anyways, cause I was flying really close to the ground! We hurtle down towards a clearing, landing with a loud thunk and creating a small crater.

"You people are _insane,_" Machina gasps, as Jasper lets us go.

"That, bro," groans the Toaster, more than a little beat up after two plane crashes in less than twenty-four hours, "isn't even the half of it."

"Well, out we go!" I say, scrambling up out of the crater. "We gots a world to save!"

I spring out of the crater, and step out into the white snowy ground. And I blink at the sight before me.

People should _tell _me before they decide to go have picnics!

"Hi, Sue!" I say, waving to her, since she and Aro are the closest ones to me. "Why wasn't I invited?"

_"Alice?"_ Sue says, and from the disbelief in her voice, she clearly wasn't expecting me to come to this party! Whispers of _Alice _run through the rest of the crowd. Looks like the whole family's here, along with a bunch of random minor characters and generic Volturi guys!

Behind me, Jasper's climbing out of the crater himself, the Toaster in hand. Machina's not far behind. Both their eyebrows raise at the sight of all the vampires before us.

"Well now," Jasper muses. "Isn't this convenient?"

"Ironic, some might say," says a sandy-haired vampire with a sardonic grin, before a girl next to him elbows him in the ribs and Edward glares at him.

"How did you guys escape from my hideout?" Aro says, glaring at us. "The heroes are never supposed to escape from the trap and arrive at the last minute to save everyone from certain doom!"

"You!" Sue rounds on Aro, cause apparently she doesn't like Aro either! Weird how he's such an unpopular guy, since he's so nice! "I should—wait," Sue suddenly whirls back to us, her red eyes wide. They fix on Jasper. "Did you just talk?"

Aro mirrors Sue's expression. Everyone else does, for that matter. Everyone stares as Jasper sets the Toaster down and walks forward, straight up to Aro. He looks at him for a second, and then punches him right across the face. Aro's sent sprawling in the snow.

"Why do people keep _doing _that?" Aro groans from the ground.

"Jasper!" I say, disapprovingly. "That's not very nice." Edward lets out a low whistle, his eyes still wide. Everyone else is frozen.

"Machina," Jasper says, ignoring me, the jerk! "Can you use your power?"

"Uh, yes," says the literary god, kinda looking at Jasper like he's not sure what to expect. People are acting really weird around Jasper today! "But, um, you'll have to get Conflict free first. Her power's canceling mine out."

"Lovely," Jasper says, red eyes fixed on Aro, who's climbing back to his feet. "Sue, I'll take care of him. You go and destroy that coffin, alright?"

"You're kind of scaring me," Sue says, tentatively. Then she shrugs. "But I guess this is also part of my main character duties, huh?"

Jasper smiles. "Quite right it is. Now go!"

With that word, everything breaks into motion again. Sue darts forward, weaving through the Volturi and Cullen forces which have resumed their battle. Jasper lunges at Aro again, but the Volturi Leader is prepared this time, and blocks Jasper's strike. They quickly become enmeshed in a back and forth exchange of blows. I don't want to be left out of the fighting, so I go and tackle a couple Volturi Guys! I'll tell ya what, they definitely weren't expecting that!

And then all of the sudden there's a great crack of splitting wood, and a sudden explosion of light, that makes me blink cause I have really good vision!

"A flash of light, man?" I hear Edward say. "How cliché."

And then there's Irina's voice, saying, "Oh, thank the gods!" A couple of the assembled literary goods throw back _you're welcomes. _

"DEUS EX MACHINA TIME!" Machina's voice rings, echoing over the crowd. I turn to see him raising his hands into the air. "Literary god powers ACTIVATE!"

And then at one, all of the literary gods are engulfed in an aura of light—which is almost as sparkly as I am! You know, between the sun and the snow and the vampires and the godly light, we could cause a normal person some serious eye trauma here.

"Just when I thought this couldn't get worse," Edward mutters. That same sandy haired vampire from before, now engulfed in white light, smirks at him.

"Hey, take it for what it is, Pretty-Boy," he tells Edward. "And what it is is your—and everyone else's—salvation." Which sounds pretty hard to argue with, ya know!

"We will now pronounce judgment on the Volturi!" Tanya declares, stepping forward. She gestures, and ropes of light wrap around all Volturi present. She stops in front of Aro. "I should kill you for trapping my sister like that," she says scornfully, her words clear to all. "As well as various other _unsavory _activities that I've heard about." She spares significant looks for Edward and Jasper—along with a glare for Carlisle, who looks distinctly unapologetic and just shrugs. "However, I have been informed that that is not how we do things anymore, as well as the fact that the Volturi, at some point or another, did important work in helping to maintain the secrecy of the vampire world. Thus, their sentence is as follows." Here Tanya pauses—I guess for effect or something!

"The Volturi will not be disbanded, nor will they be executed and their heads all be mounted on pikes, as some have not unjustly suggested." I think Edward looks a little sad! "Instead, we of the literary gods—perhaps with some help from the Cullens, if they so desire—will be working with the Volturi to _thoroughly _reform the organization and make them into the peacekeeping force they should be."

"Oh," Aro says, a little surprised, I think. "Well, that's not too bad—"

"More to the point," Tanya says, silencing him with a glare. "It has not escaped our notice that the current head of the Volturi, Aro, is responsible for the vast majority of the corruption to be found in the Volturi. Thus, he is hereby stripped of his position, and we will be exiling him to Africa to work with orphans—_who he cannot eat—_until such a time when we judge him to be suitably repentant."

"Orphans in Africa?" Aro says, red eyes wide. Looks like today is just not his day. "but, but, that's cliché too! You can't do this to me!"

"Oh?" Tanya asks, raising a brow. "Does anyone here object?" I almost raise my hand, but Jasper gives me a _look_, so I guess I probably shouldn't! No one else does either. Tanya smiles. "Looks like I can." And then she snaps her fingers, and Aro vanishes into a shower of light. It's really pretty! Another one of the literary gods vanishes too, probably to go watch Mr. Aro.

"Now then, as for the rest of you!" Tanya says, rounding on the remaining Volturi Guys. "We're all heading back to Italy for some nice long lectures on why you shouldn't listen to the orders from psychopaths!" And all the Volturi guys groan as they and most of the literary gods burst into light. I don't know why—it sounds fun! A lot of the gods wave to us as they disappear. Finally, only Tanya is left in the clearing with us and the wolves, the glow around her slowly fading. She turns to us, and shakes her head.

"Well, now, aren't you all quite the incredible bunch," she says, putting her fists on her hips. "I'm really glad we didn't kill you all when we had the chance."

"We're glad too," Carlisle says with a smile. "Looks like everything worked out, huh?'

"Say that after we get done sorting out the Volturi," Tanya says with a wry smile. "Well, I imagine we'll be in touch, so I'll just say see you later. You have our gratitude." And then she too fades into little glittery sparkles. We all just kinda look at each other.

"So," Sue says finally. "What now?"

"Easy," Edward answers. "We go party until the world needs us to save it again!"

* * *

><p><em>Aaaaaw.<em>

_Sorry for late chapter. No excuse. Lazy. Forgot. _

_You may notice there is one more chapter to go-that'll be the epilogue, next week. _

_Holy crap. Can't believe I'm here. _


	27. Epilogue: The Story

EPILOGUE: THE STORY

* * *

><p><em>And so throughout the land, a story is sometimes sung, of unexpected and great heroes, and a battle they bravely fought…<em>

* * *

><p>"You can't honestly think to keep me here," Aro says, glaring up from the meal he was preparing for the orphans. Really, of all things, they had to take his huge fancy jungle-temple hideout, and turn it into a home for refugee children and orphans? He was <em>using <em>all those empty hallways and sitting rooms! And then to make him cook and clean and _read _to them? _Wearing a pink frilly apron?_

Now Aro knows how all those people he tortured felt.

"I'm a god, old boy," Tanya says, smiling over at him and twirling her hand a little. Sparks shoot out of her finger tips. "A very angry god whose sister you imprisoned. I can do whatever I want." And she gestures for Aro to continue his work, then turns her attention back to her book. "Remember, you're here until the good deeds reform you, so you might want to start trying for some remorse."

"I hate my life," Aro whines a little under his breath. And he then feels a little bit too teenage for a thousand year old (former) vampire overlord.

* * *

><p>"So you didn't go and get completely and absolutely wasted in Chicago, and possibly make out with girls who are not me?" Leah asks, looking flatly at Jacob over their picnic. Really, he should have known it was a trap when Leah said she wanted to go have a picnic on the beach. Leah <em>never <em>wants to do anything unless it involves weapons or suffering or _pain_.

"No, of course not, babe!" Jacob says, cringing just a little. He's pretty sure Rosalie's been teaching Leah torture and interrogation techniques. "I mean, I was with Liaf and Edward, and do you really think that they would let me do anything like that?"

"Yes," Leah says, with what Jacob is now calling her Medusa stare. "Now stop lying, or I'll plant this knife in your face."

And here Jacob had thought she'd just brought the knife along to spread the butter.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I was so drunk that I don't actually remember anything that happened, so it really didn't mean anything to me!" Jacob says hopefully. Leah just looks at him.

There are sometimes when it is unfortunate to have a werewolf as a girlfriend.

* * *

><p>"Rosalie," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "We can talk this out."<p>

"See, what you've failed to understand in all these years or what felt like years that I've known you is that _that_ is the problem," Rosalie says, not looking up from the lines she's drawing on the ground in chalk or the book she held open with one hand, titled _easy exorcism: make your problems disappear! _"I don't talk things out."

"And look at where that's gotten you," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "Let me ask you a serious question, Rosalie. Are you happy?"

"Ghost," Rosalie says, standing up and looking at the design she's drawn on the floor of one of the rooms of her hideout, "Shut up."

"You've got a very long life ahead of you," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says. "You might want to take this opportunity to go figure somethings out for yourself. Eternity is a very long time to live when you're not sure what you're living for."

"Seriously," Rosalie says, "shut up." She steps into the middle of the circle to activate the exorcism.

"I knew this time would come eventually," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley says, talking really more to himself now than to Rosalie-soliloquizing to the air. "I am, after all, just the spirit of a minor character lingering on after my appointed time. I would have to move on one day, I knew, but still, there was so much I hoped to do. I want to leave the world a utopia. An enlightened age. Something glorious and beautiful and pure. Alas, the grave calls and I find myself powerless to resist. Farewell, world. I give you my thanks for the days I've spent on your visage."

"You are still such a weird kid," Rosalie says, as the circle suddenly flares with light and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley abruptly bursts into sparkles of light that slowly die away. The light fades, and Rosalie is left in the silence and quiet of her empty stands there for a moment still glaring at the spot where he was. And then she sighs and begins gathering her things up.

"I don't need you telling me all that nonsense," she mutters, "I can figure it out for myself."

* * *

><p>"Now son, are you really sure you want to do this?" Carlisle asks, as the group stands outside the Cullen mansion. "You know you always have a home here."<p>

"Would you please stop acting like a father figure already?" Jasper says with a sigh. "I know full well that you're just as bad as any of the Volturi. You're just less obvious about it than Aro was."

"Who, me?" Carlisle says, fluttering lashes over blood red eyes. Esme, standing next to him, smiles gently.

"Furthermore, you'll only saying that because it gives some kind of sick enjoyment to pretend to be nice. Anyways, someone needs to go to Volterra and start sorting through the mess that the Volturi currently is, and it might as well be me. I do have experience managing groups of bloodthirsty vampires."

"Alright, whatever, you're way less funny now that you're not hiding in corners anyways. But do you really have to take Alice? I need her to steal cars! I swear that enough money to build a secret base has disappeared in the last year or so!" Carlisle says.

Jasper sighs and looks behind him to where Alice is sitting on the hood of a yellow convertible and talking to the Toaster that she insisted on bringing along. "I really don't trust anyone else to watch her. She has gotten into a fair number of _situations _in the time I was out of things. Besides, we are kind of like married."

"Oh," Carlisle says, pausing. "You know, vampires can get divorced too."

"Bye," Jasper says. He turns to Esme and gives him a hug. "You know, in the two hundred thousand words of this parody, maybe ten of them were spoken by you. I'm pretty sure the talking refrigerator magnets had more lines. Have a nice life. Mom." And then he turns and walks over to the car.

"Take care!" Esme calls, waving, as he climbs into the driver's seat. "Remember to write!"

"What were you guys talking about?" Alice says, smiling, as Jasper starts driving off, relishing in the fact that he can now drive now, and even competently.

Jasper returns her smile. "Nothing at all, Alice darlin'."

* * *

><p>"You know," Sue says, looking up at the old, brick building. "We could have taken that money and gotten a condo in Hawaii instead."<p>

"Or we could have taken my family's offer to build us an adorable little cottage in the woods," Edward says, smiling, standing next to Sue.

"You know well as I that they only made that offer because they didn't want to deal with us living in the same house as them. And because Esme has a decorating fetish or something, I don't know man," Sue says, clutching her sun parasol a little tighter. And yeah, she doesn't really know how she and Edward could stick out any more, being all pale and dressed in black and sheltering from the sun under her pretty umbrella but that's alright _because Sue accepts herself now. _

(And also she can rip out the throat of anyone who annoys her now, not that she _would, _of course, but it's still a bit of a confidence booster.)

"That's the only reason Carlisle paid for us to come here," Edward says, looking down at her. "The getting us out of the house thing, not the Esme decorating fetish thing. Although I haven't seen our new house yet. Oh dear."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Sue says dismissively (although in a few hours she'll find out how wrong she is). "Now then, are we going to go do this?"

"I'm ready whenever," Edward reminds her. "It's not _my_ first time going to college. You're the one who's having a tremendous case of the nerves."

"Oh yeah," Sue says, looking down at her hands (shaking, yup) before looking back up to the dignified building with a banner reading _registration _strung above its entrance. "Why did I decide to do this again?"

"Because college parties, my dear, rock," Edward says. Obviously.

"I feel like that's maybe why you agreed to come with me," Sue muses, "but I don't like parties, remember?"

"I thought you got over your weird social awkwardness around the time you started having to deal with all our supernatural company," Edward says.

"No, not really," Sue says, watching as a group of what seemed to be her future classmates brushed past them into the Dartmouth registration building. "I can deal with freaks fine, but I kind forgot how to deal with normal people."

"Seriously, you two are still standing here?" Liaf says, walking up to them, and drawing more than enough stares due to the combination of his height, all black clothing, and large floppy sun hat. Sue would be really, really glad once they started getting crappy east coast weather. "I've already dropped all your stuff off at your fancy new house—which Esme did _such _a lovely job on, wait till you see—and found a great spot to tie up the horse and carriage. Oh, I bought a horse and carriage, by the way. And you guys still haven't even registered yet?"

"Sue's nervous," Edward says promptly.

"College is a frightening thing for people my age!" Sue says defensively.

Liaf rolls his eyes. "Yeah, so's saving the world. From Aro. Woman up, and get in there. You were the one who decided that maybe you should actually decide to do something with your life instead of looking pretty."

"Which is my job," Edward says.

"You're right," Sue says, squaring her shoulders and facing the building. She's pretty sure that this whole plan was bound to hit some snags—both of the supernatural Aro's-escaped-Africa-and-wants-revenge kind, and the more mundane I'm-failing-class and Edward's-facing-date-rape-charges kind, but she's moving forward now. She links her arm with Edward's, and off they go to register for college.

* * *

><p>…<em>but the lives they lived after? That's another story altogether.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Yesh, I'm late again, which is really crappy on the last chapter EVER, but I did just start college myself (which guess where the inspiration for this came from) and also I didn't have this chapter prewritten like the last ten have been so EXCUSES.<em>

_So random epilogue is random, but the story really ended last chapter and this is just basically me saying goodbye and having some fun. My little characters are all grown up now, and they don't need me anymore! Sniff._

_Now onto a more drama queen note: OH MY STARS IT'S OVER. Yes, it's just been a fanfiction side project, but holy crap two years and as Jasper said, two hundred thousand words. That's like, a lot. You guys have no idea how incredibly grateful I am to all of my readers. You've made this so much, and I love you all! Thank you all so much. (cue teary hugs) In particular, thanks to everyone who reviewed, but those of you who've just been there reading rock as well._

_I don't plan to do anymore _twilight_ fanfiction (in fact I might just sell those _twilight_ books now gwahahaha) but I might post random stuff for series I actually like. And maybe maybe I'll do some edits on this and like actually put line breaks on _Insert Fail Symbolism Here_. Cause I didn't actually figure out how to do that until T_aylor Lautner Shirtless_, haha We'll just kinda see, yeah?_

_Catch you guys later. It's been a blast._


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